More drama from the queen I am so used to

 

Today started off well, after a wonderful meeting with the Operations Manager at my little job. She said that they are extremely happy with me at the Chambers of Commerce and that I seem to be doing my job as a facilities assistant for them very well.  There are no complaints whatsoever for everything that I have done so far and it seems that most of the complaints that were popping up before, were actually mostly directed at my friend who introduced me to the job.

Hubby said that they would appreciate my integrity and willingness to do well and it seems he was right! When I started the job alongside my friend, I felt that I would just be helping her out occassionally. Now that she quit, I am working more hours and have a part-time contract. It couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. I very much enjoy working alone and just getting on with it, whilst also exchanging a few brief conversations with the staff that are there daily.

After my shift this morning, I came home and slept for over 3 hours. Instead of waking up and feeling refreshed and happy, I received a call from my mother who wanted to have a serious conversation about my brother.

She started off by saying ‘I wanted to ask you some questions and I ask that you answer as honestly as possible”.

After this introduction, I knew the drama was going to start..I also knew that she must have found out certain things and wasn’t happy with me at all!

She asked me whether I knew that my brother was researching narcissism? I said yes…

She also asked me whether I was the one that dared to plant the seed of telling him (a vulnerable adult with special needs & limited emotional & mental capabilities) about narcissism? I said yes..

She asked me whether I knew that he was calling her a narcissist? I said yes..

She asked me ‘whether I agreed’ and I said yes.

I also told her though that despite my brother’s special needs and limited mental & emotional capacity, he is still very much able to distinguish between what feels right and what hurts him…That she just needs to accept that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her…

She is pissed off I messed with their relationship and helped him see the reality…

She also insinuated in a childish way that she spoke to his carer and that they are discussing ways of protecting him from me, because he is getting so much worse by isolating himself away from his family..(meaning her) and listening to the unnecessary things I am sharing with him..

He hasn’t isolated himself from his family…Only from her…He talks to me all the time about his finds in narcissism, the art classes he does and how I recommended art as a form of therapy and how they have helped him feel better..(of course I didn’t share this with her..) She is so envious of our closeness and relationship..

She said that it is ridiculous that we think she is a narcissist…that her psychologist who she has known for awhile, only told her that she has mild depression…That if she were a narcissist, she wouldn’t be capable of caring so much for her children and hurting so much..that she wouldn’t have friends…etc etc…Any sane psychologist, knows not to confront a narcissist, by telling them they are a narcissist..

3 of my therapists have confirmed to me that my parents are narcissists through psychological testing..

My mother is always either the victim or a mother just like any other, who has sacrificed everything for her children.

Covert Narcissists wearing the Martyr’s mask–

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays the martyr role so convincingly that most people believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of their extreme self-sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist’s well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being.

Dr Linda Martinez-Lewi – The Narcissist in your life

 

She is pissed off that I wasn’t strong enough to keep my own thoughts to myself and that I had to tell my brother. It’s funny how she still sees me as weak, when in actuality she is the weak one..

I have helped my brother see the light and he has finally made sense of everything that he always sensed all along..My mother has probably harmed him more than she has harmed me, as she has attached herself to him too much because of his special needs. He has been on a pedestal in her eyes due to his disabilities and my mother feels like she sacrificed everything to support him..In part, this is true…Having a special needs child changes everything. It causes a huge imbalance in any family, it causes stress in the marriage and any siblings in the family can feel neglected, unimportant or parentified. She is still a covert narcissist however and nothing will change that unfortunately.

My brother is finally on a healing journey and even if his special needs don’t allow him to completely understand every single detail about narcissism, he at least feels validated, understood, feels that he can protect himself and can make his own decisions..He may be a vulnerable adult with limited intellectual capacities and obsessive tendencies but his heart knows what feels safe and what doesnt! No one can take that away from him…

♥

 

 

 

Why you must stop obsessing over the narcissist

When your relationship with the narcissist in your life comes to an end, you will go through a very tumultuous recovery period. You will feel like your world has been turned upside down and your mind and body will be going through withdrawal.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being addicted to a drug. They take over your life completely and when the relationship ends, the recovery process becomes an endless battle of fighting the obsessive thoughts and questions you are left with. The trauma bond created is excruciatingly hard to break.

In most cases there is no real closure, as you aren’t ending a relationship with a healthy person. When you are not understood and validated and your feelings are dismissed with guilt-tripping, controlling and manipulating behaviour, it is extremely diffucult for your mind and heart to feel peace.

Eventually however, and after you have spent a long time recovering from this toxic sort of ‘break-up’, there comes a point where the obsessing must come to an end. The introspection and deep inner work must begin. The grieving must take a different direction.

This video is about the importance of reaching that point in your healing.

It is of course, far more complicated if you were unlucky enough to also have a narcissistic family but in general the process is the same.

Realisation →Grief→Obsessing→Trying to make sense of their behaviour→Understanding & Acceptance→Grief→Introspection→Grief→Moving on

Love Athina ♥

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It’s over..

…and so the final healing begins..

I just sent the last ever letter to my father, the last attempt to make contact…the last time I will ever spend time bargaining and fantasizing in my mind about how to say the perfect words, in hope that he will finally ‘get it’!

The difference this time is that I know he won’t get my words and there is no more hope left.

I also suspect that he won’t understand that this is the end of our relationship and he most likely won’t respect it! He doesn’t understand boundaries or healthy discussion, so it might take him awhile to fully realise what has happened if at all..

Below is what I wrote..

I wrote it mostly for myself, so I could get it off my chest, so I could feel good about my last words to my father..so I could feel empowered..

I received your letter and unfortunately I see that nothing has changed.

You didn’t take the things I wrote to you seriously.

My concerns were of no interest to you whatsoever.

My feelings once again didn’t matter.

The worst of all, is that you once again used emotional blackmail against me to get me to do what you want.

I don’t deserve to be treated this way!

I have been nothing but supportive to you over the years and you obviously don’t appreciate me!

The only thing that you are right about, is the fact that I am cutting off all contact with you from now on.

You aren’t who I thought you were. I no longer have the words to express how saddened I am.

Please don’t contact me again from now on!

Your personal life choices and those choices alone are responsible for the current state you are in.

Love just isn’t enough sometimes.

Take care

A.

I don’t feel any different yet..I don’t feel relief..I don’t feel free..I am hoping this will come with time..I am anxious and feeling guilty, which are the side effects of breaking free from a narcissistically abusive parent.

The side effects are similar to those of breaking free from a cult. When you have had constant programming from an extremely young age, it is very hard to remove those words from your mind.The hardest thing for me personally, is the false guilt & toxic shame that narcissists so nastily manipulate into your conscience.

General symptoms of withdrawal from a cult include confusion, depression, disorientation, insomnia, amnesia, guilt, fear, floating in and out of altered states, suicidal tendencies and emotional outbursts. Going ‘No contact’ with an abusive individual has similar effects. I am currently experiencing nausea, depression, false guilt, anxiety & fear. With time I know the intensity of these feelings will pass..

Hopefully now I really have the time and space to heal..It might be that I still get letters in the post or phonecalls, but as long as my phone is on flight mode and I return the letters unopened, he can’t hurt me anymore..

I am hoping that he doesn’t involve lawyers again..Even if he does however, I am in a different country, so I am relatively safe..

I’d like to finish this post with the words of my therapist…

You are the one sitting in the director’s chair of your life. You get to decide who plays a part in your movie and who doesn’t 🙂

Thanks once again for reading!

Hopefully  I can continue my day as productively as possible now.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love Athina ♥

Another Hitler leads America.

Waking up to the news of Donald Trump as president this morning is truly disappointing. Am I suprised? Not really…

Brexit was already disheartening this year, and as someone who is half Scottish, half Greek I feel extremely saddened by the ignorant hatred the world seems to be enthralled in.

Here in Germany, it is hard to ignore the similarity of Trump and Hitler..

History is once again repeating itself..Humans will never learn..

Malignant narcissism is destructive..Trump has no ounce of remorse for his actions and his statements have been openly racist and misogynistic.

In my eyes, people are equal, no matter what race, class, disability or sexual orientation.

I have friends and family that are diverse and I have the greatest respect for the empaths & open-minded people of this world.

I am very concerned about the future of this world and where it is headed once again..

Every single person in my life who has NPD has been hurtful, disrespectful, manipulative & controlling..

This includes both my parents, ex-partners, ex-friends and ex-employers.

It is completely understandable for this reason to not feel comfortable with most politicians of this world. They are the ones that have the most power to make decisions in our world and this is where the fear lies..There is already racism and war going on every day and so many people are already suffering irrevocably.

Humans are the biggest destroyers of our world..

I feel deeply saddened to be one.

A stranger’s kindness means the world

How many of you can relate to meeting people that you hardly know and feeling touched by their kindness & empathy. Empathy isn’t something that can be faked. It shines through!The way a person talks, the way they smile or the way they listen can recharge your lonely batteries and fill your heart with hope. A true gem of a person is loved by many and is also incredibly sensitive and emotional. They are a thoughtful, gentle person who offers to help without anything in it for them. They do it because they feel your need, they sense your struggle and they are fulfilled by offering what they can.

I’ve experienced this feeling with my therapists and with very distant family. I’ve experienced this from wonderful doctors in moments of illness. I’ve experienced this from complete strangers on the street where I once fainted due to heat stroke.There are many moments in my life which have been made easier and more bearable due to people who have genuinely cared. Some of these people I am also privileged to call my followers on this blogging platform and other social media.

When someone understands you and there is a true connection, it is treasured. Unfortunately this isn’t felt with people who have NPD, even if they are family.There is a huge difference between helping someone with money, donating to charity or supporting someone with superficial means. This isn’t the same as having true empathy.

I am very much aware of the difference over the years as I instantly feel energised and supported if I am with the right people and low and depleted when in contact with toxic people or family members.

The love of strangers can sometimes save us from utter devastation and complete self-destruction. I value these people more than they will ever know. I value YOU!

If you are in the mood for a wonderful film that will possibly bring tears to your eyes, then check out the link below::

http://gimmeshelterthemovie.com/

 

 

Narcissistic parents hate it when you set boundaries..

I have heard all of these said by both my mother and father. My mother especially said that I was acting like a completely different person when I started setting boundaries. That I am not the daughter she had always known. That I am not the caring and thoughtful daughter that she could so easily abuse all my life.

Narcissistic parents will even accuse your significant other or your therapist to be the one that is turning you against them and that they aren’t healthy.

What are your expreriences?

Narcissistic parents are ………………..

When healing from this type of abuse, you are more vulnerable to being ‘shamed’ further by people who don’t understand the trauma you have endured. This can be by anyone, including psychologists, life coaches, ministers, family & friends.

In my experience,the best thing you can do is find a trauma therapist who has a lot of experience in dealing with clients of this type of background. It has to feel safe and it is always best to find someone by recommendation, especially through people you trust or who are on a similar journey. I can see a lot of very helpful blogs on here, that offer valuable information on healing from trauma and some of them are even professional coaches. It is also very helpful to find someone that has also suffered narcissistic abuse in their own personal life and then trained as a counselor. They have a deep level of empathy and that is what you need. Validation of your pain, your anger, your grieving and assistance in working through those feelings until you feel better able to cope with the trauma and complex stress you still carry with you.

I myself am not a psychologist. I studied Psychology in my final year of school and will be starting a masters in Art Therapy next year. When I see another person suffering or in a situation that is similar to the abuse I have endured, I want to reach out and minimise their pain, by offering support & a listening ear. Most survivors of abuse want to help others, as they know how painful and destructive it can be.

I am working through so many layers of trauma at the moment, I am constantly having nightmares of abandonment, betrayal and cruelty. I am starting EMDR to deal with my multiple traumas and so far I’ve only had 1 session,as a practice session, to deal with my fear of flying and for my therapist to see how quickly my brain reacts to the treatment. It was exhausting and I had a panic attack that same evening, but that is because I am still processing so much recent trauma from my father’s suicide attempt.

I am realising how delicate I am from all the traumas I have endured repeatedly and also how much more hypervigilant I am compared to the average healthy person. I am learning to have so much more self compassion for myself and it has been very helpful sharing my experiences on here, alongside other bloggers and survivors of abuse.

Thank you to all of you who share your thoughts & are with me on this journey!

Healing from childhood trauma is a layered process..

Healing from childhood neglect & abuse is a very long process. When I started therapy at the age of 16, I never would have thought that I’d still be healing at 33. The difference of now and then is that I have matured, become more self aware and have learned a lot more about the depth of my parents’ abuse and now know about npd. I have also found very useful resources on websites about growing up with a disabled sibling and how much that can also affect you. One of the most useful websites I came across was the one below:

http://www.sibs.org.uk/adult-siblings

It lists all the problems that adult siblings deal with and all the feelings that a child sibling experiences. When I came across this website I cried with relief and validation. Even though my mum had started her own special needs charity for my brother and other special needs children like him, she had never sat down with me when I was a child and asked me how I felt about my brother. I mean I had arguments with my brother and had so much frustration and cried many times. My mum tried to comfort me but wasn’t able to validate my feelings. Instead I had to sweep it under the carpet and be strong as my brother was the vulnerable one that needed more attention. It is still this way and always will be. I never got to grieve the loss of a ‘normal’ brother. I am finally also doing that now in my healing. Each member of my family needs to be grieved. This is such tough work!  Luckily now, I no longer need my mum or dad’s validation. I have a good relationship with my brother, even though I will always wonder what it would have been like to have a normal brother, who would look out for me, comfort me and be a good friend. Despite this, I am happy I have a brother. He has taught me patience, kindness for those with special needs and of course empathy.