I have been feeling a little unsettled recently..
PTSD Nightmares have creeped in again and have been rather frequent over the last couple of weeks..
Ever since the confrontation with my mother about my brother knowing she is a narcissist (through a little help from me), my subconscious has been trying to process the hypervigilance and tension I felt the day of that call…Although I don’t take my mother that seriously anymore and I am very good at distancing myself from her stern manner & ridiculous threats, my mind is nevertheless brainwashed into being affected…
As much as I am wanting to sustain a reasonable relationship with her, so I can still be part of my extended family on her side, I still have many things that I choose to keep hidden from her as a protective measure.
Dealing with her narcissistic disapproval or anger, is something best avoided as I don’t want to partake in the narcissistic dance of drama that she so desperately craves.
One of the things I was keeping hidden, was of course the fact that I told my brother about her narcissism. That is now out in the open and I managed to settle things right down with her. The second part of my life that is hidden from her is the fact that I have a Coaching certificate, 2 blogs and a youtube channel, which all focus on healing from narcissistic abuse.
These things have been part of my healing journey and are a big part of wanting to give back to others on a similar journey. Spreading awareness of narcissistic parental abuse is something I am obviously deeply passionate about.
I have many parts of my life that I choose to keep hidden from my abusers. This is the sensible thing to do. Now that I am no longer on speaking terms with my father, the only confrontation that may come up in the future, is if my mother finds out about my youtube channel..
Although it isn’t listed under my full name, I do use my husband’s surname instead of my own. This is something she could easily search online and would lead her to my youtube channel. This obviously makes me a little uneasy but when the time comes, I know I will able to deal with it constructively.
I started doodling again recently.When nightmares of punishing looks, abandonment, fear & anxiety start dominating most of my nights, I end up feeling a little disheartened. This is when art becomes my therapy once again…
I feel that my doodle seems a little chaotic, which I guess is a good indication of how I am feeling inside at the moment.
Thanks for reading
Love Athina ♥