Never criticize a narc..

When reading about narcissists, we learn that behind the mask they portray to the world, there is a very fragile self. These individuals want to always be in control and pretend to themselves and the world that they are strong, powerful, successful, caring, generous & selfless.

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In reality, these people are weak, lack empathy and are incapable of deep emotions, especially intimacy and self-awareness. They really don’t like criticism and the more someone criticises them, the more they will fight back, manipulate, confuse and throw a tantrum. They don’t want anybody ruining the image they have so desperately fought all their lives to sustain. If you do not do as they say and continue to tell them that they are sick, crazy, abusive, neglectful etc they will get even angrier or emotional and will try to hurt you even more, to the point of ‘discarding you’ as if you were a piece of trash.

This can happen to absolutely anyone the narcissist has a relationship with, as well as their children.

In my case, when I confronted my mother for the first time after 32 years of holding my emotions in, she became really nasty. I told her that she never put me first, never treated me in a very loving way and that my feelings didn’t matter. I told her that I was sick of her undermining my emotions, that I was sick of her calling me demeaning names and that I was generally very upset that I couldn’t tell my own mother my truest emotions. She started crying on the phone and had a complete meltdown. She put the phone down saying she couldn’t hear anymore, even though I was the one in pain and crying so hard I couldn’t speak properly.I was once again left to feel completely distraught, unloved and unheard and once again her emotions mattered more than mine.She was acting suicidal to her family, because I had hurt her deeply and told them that something must have been seriously wrong with me to act so out of character. This of course really meant that she couldn’t understand how I could turn so against her and that I must be the crazy one. It is never her fault.

Her reaction of having a melt-down is what is known as ‘narcissistic injury‘, as I threatened her self-esteem by telling her that she wasn’t a good mother.

After about 2 days, she called me again to see if ‘I had calmed down’ (as she put it)and to see whether I would become the compliant child she had always trained me so well to be. I told her to speak first and she said that she was disgusted at how ‘vile & hurtful’ my words were towards her and how she had never spoken to her mother, the way I spoke to her. She continued stating her disapproval while at the same time I could feel my own anger and hurt rising to the surface again. I interrupted her and repeated the same things I had told her initially, in the first phone call. Suddenly, she explodes into this screaming fit on the phone and was saying ‘ You are never welcome in my home again’ and some other incoherent stuff..This is what is known as ‘narcissistic rage’ .

‘A perceived threat to the self esteem of a narcissist is categorized as an episode of narcissistic injury. When symptoms of anger or irritation are expressed in response to a narcissistic injury, it results in narcissistic rage’.

At that point I cancelled the call..I’d had enough abuse..and until this day I am rather happy to ‘never visit her home again'(even though she has invited me back)…I’m not a thing that she can dispose of whenever it doesn’t suit her..I am her daughter and I deserve respect, love & validation.

Narcissists are experts at playing the victim and making it the other person’s fault. It’s incredibly infuriating for the other person caught up in their web of lies and it is completely inexcusable for anyone to tell the narcissist that they might be wrong. They are the king/queen of their family, social or professional circle and everyone has to cater to their needs, their wants and their timetable.

The most upsetting thing about these people is that no matter what you do, you will always lose…..So the only solution is to play along and comply or choose ‘no contact’. The latter is obviously the better option for you emotionally..

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18 thoughts on “Never criticize a narc..

  1. I’m sorry for your troubles; I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to be forced to distance yourself from your parents for the sake of your own well-being. I completely agree with the last paragraph of your post; I’ve had some family members who would continually act in a similar manner; no matter what I tried, or how they appeared to act differently for however a short period of time, they would always revert to their old ways. Eventually, I just stopped communicating with them, even though that is seen as a horrible thing in my family. Surely there must be a way to help people with problems like these without endangering our own mental well-being?

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    • Im sorry to hear you also have had experience with people in your family that are this unwell. Unfortunately people that are really high on the spectrum of narcissism can’t be helped..they usually avoid therapy..and even if they go, they usually stop going once the therapist tries to dig deeper and to help them understand in the nicest way possible, that they might need to change their behaviour towards others. It is very hard to go no contact in the family..other family members dont understand and will most likely tell you that you are being too harsh..at the end of the day though, your well being is more important than family that doesnt understand.

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  2. This is really clear and so insightful…Reading it I see i have behaved narcissistically myself when criticised in the distant past..At the same time I’ve had a very similar interaction with my Mum but not to the point of no contact…I’ve never been that brave….ive been accused of being abusive when really just trying to express pain and hurt.
    Thank you so much for posting this..♡

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have also had fleeting moments of behaving narcissistically in moments of criticism, cos it just hurt so much being criticised. Old traumas would pop up..and I tried to defend myself..Luckily I became aware of this through therapy and corrected it..its also good you are aware… Narcissists arent aware..ever! And they refuse to be..take care x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for sharing that. I guess that is what makes us not fully narcissistic just narcissistically wounded. We choose to look at defensive patterns, grieve, heal and change which means facing our wounding and vulnerability. Narcs cannot do this.

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  3. You were brave to confront your mother, kudos to you, but you must admit you knew in advance how she would have reacted. I’ve never confronted my mother because this is EXACTLY how she would have reacted, only in her case I would have received a cruel, vicious letter the next day pouring her emotions out on paper about how I was such a disappointment to her and how could I treat her like this, blah, blah, blah. BTW, I finally cut ties with this woman, enough is enough and I can breathe now. Thanks for posting this. Deb 🙂

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    • When I confronted my mother, I didnt know she was narcissistic at the time (found out shortly after) but I knew she would fall apart..I knew it would be pointless…Th good thing that came out of it is that I grieved a lot in therapy and now I feel much better..I dont need her approval anymore, or need her in my life..thanks for commenting and Im glad you aren’t in contact with yours anymore.x

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  4. Thank you so much for posting this. It gives so much recognition and insight. After reading this one and the post about narcissistic abuse I read it to my partner and it helps him as well. We’ve both experienced narcissistic abuse and it just leaves you with so many questions. It really helps reading your posts, thank you. I think I can accept it more now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Completely understand and agree that no contact is the best choice emotionally. I will never contact my ex step-dad again, even if he is on his death bed. I will be sharing this with my husband in hopes he can get a better understanding of what I went through… it is so hard for me to put into words. Thank you for your writing. 🙂

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  6. its horrible that she would ttreat her own flesh and blood like that. but then i suppose she didnt care, narcisists generally dont care about anyone except themselves. i’m glad you stood up to her though, you should be proud. XX

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    • Thank you for your comment. I guess standing up to her was the start of my ‘proper’ healing and grieving. I have done a lot of grieving over the years in therapy but never to the degree I did last year. I now feel much lighter and much more aware. Learning of her illness (her narcissism) really helped me make sense of my world and yes narcissists don’t feel ‘real’ love.. Their emotions are superficial! x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This post is so good. I felt everything you wrote resonate deep within my heart, especially this sentence:
    “I’m not a thing that she can dispose of whenever it doesn’t suit her..I am her daughter and I deserve respect, love & validation.” Yes!

    I am so sorry you were also born to two narcissistic parents. It is a terrible way to grow up. But how wonderful that you have so much insight already, at this point in your life. I did not learn about narcissistic personality disorder until about five years ago, when I was in my late fifties. Although learning about it does not fix it, it is a relief to finally understand the cause of all the insanity in my family of origin.

    I confronted my momster a little over three years ago, then I went no contact. Although she did not respond well to my confrontation, It has been a very peaceful three years ever since, with no more mom drama. I was initially disappointed that she was not open to what I had to say. But in the end, I feel much better for having my say, so it was worthwhile to me. 🙂

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  8. Pingback: Never criticize a narc.. – Memoir of an alienated parent

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