Puppy girl & patience

I have been very occupied lately since we finally brought our new miniature wirehaired daschund girl home with us.

Her name is Daula (Pronounced D-a-o-l-a) .

She is clever, confident, relatively happy and this is all down to the breeder doing a good job with her so far. She came from a litter of 6 puppies so had plenty time to grow into a healthy and secure pup. On our car trip home when we finally picked her up, she just snuggled with me on my lap and didn’t cry at all..When we arrived home, she was very happy to start exploring immediately and started playing with all her new toys.

I think overall, I have been the one that has been more anxious about this brand new life change than she has.

The first weekend with her, was tough..

Both hubby and I were in hypervigilant mode. We were watching her every move and I immediately started training her to use newspapers as her indoor toilet. Hubby on the other hand wanted to also get her used to using the outdoors for her toileting.

So far, she has learnt to do both. Whenever we wake her up after she has had a long nap, we take her outside for a quick wee. During the night and when she is extremely excited she isn’t able to hold her wee. She is too sleepy to get to the newspaper in time to relieve herself. In general, if you consider she is only 9 weeks old, she has managed to understand where her indoor toilet is and she has also managed to stay alone in the living room when we are having a nap in our bedroom. After just 5 nights she was also able to sleep in the living room on her own, without crying for attention at all.

For the first 5 nights, I slept next to her on a mattress on the floor. She didn’t like being in her crate with the door locked over night, so I let her come and sleep next to my mattress for comfort. I think I must have told her over 100 times that she is not allowed on my mattress so I didn’t really get much sleep those first few nights.

Now I am able to sleep in a separate room and she is also able to sleep in the lounge alone, as long as I leave a small light on for her and she has access to something that smells of us. Our slippers or shoes seem to help her self-soothe.

I made a mistake from the beginning, by creating a puppy den for her out of a cardboard box but unfortunately she didn’t like it too much because she couldnt see us. Now she has a crate but we have also decided to invest in a metal puppy pen. This means that when she does have accidents over night, at least they will be confined to her puppy pen area, which we can fill with puppy pads. Over time, we can slowly reduce the amount of pads until she actually uses a litter box. She is a small dog with a small bladder, so in the long term, I think it is quite handy for her to have the option of going to the toilet if she is desperate.

Below I have attached as many photos as possible for you to see, as my facebook friends are probably already getting tired of the bombardment of puppy photos I have been uploading out of sheer excitement! 🙂

Love Athina ❤

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

Advertisements

The greatest day ever!

Yesterday, hubby and I drove to a beautiful part of the Rheinland countryside to visit the dachshund breeders we had made contact with. After many discussions about the positives and negatives of getting our first dog, the moral issues and the fact that we will be returning to the UK next year, we decided to go there with an open mind.

dog-graphics-dachshund-741972

Once we arrived, we were greeted by 3 super friendly dogs, who immediately warmed to us and wanted to play. They weren’t dachshunds but they were part of the breeders big dog family. Within minutes, there was a bombardment of loud barking and these 2 gorgeous little dachshunds ran towards us, with these big personalities and tiny little bodies. Needless to say they were absolutely adorable! Our hearts literally melted with love for these little creatures.

Hubby started chatting to the breeder who was a lovely, warm & cuddly retired gentleman, with a kind face, white hair and rosy red cheeks..His wife was the one I did most of the communication with previously but she had completely forgotten about our appointment. It seemed like she had been completely overwhelmed by all the emails she had received from various potential buyers.

dog-graphics-dachshund-210830

We reminded them which puppies we were interested in and they eventually brought out 3 girls from the latest litter. They were in a little washing basket, cuddling on a piece of fabric. They were just over 2 weeks old, so too tiny to really connect with. One of the girls was much bigger than the other two, although all 3 puppies were miniature wire-haired dachshunds. One of the wee girls, who was wiggling around and looking for her mum, was making skin contact with my hubby’s hand..

Welpen-17-Tage

Although I was very reserved, as I knew hubby had to talk to the breeder and ask as many questions as possible before making any decisions, it was obvious to see that he had instantly fallen in love with the pups and was certain he wanted to put a deposit down to reserve one of them. We have to wait until it is at least 9 weeks old to take it home, so it is fully vaccinated and has it’s pet passport. This works out to around the 20th of September.

Hubby had already arranged to drive back the next day to pay the deposit but with my crap German, I hadn’t even realised that it was a done deal. All that is needed is a confirmation that our flat owners are ok with it but we already know they are very lenient, as there are plenty of animals in the flats surrounding us.

Before we left the breeders, they placed a temporary collar round the puppy girl we had chosen and we discussed whether it was ok to come back and visit her when she is a little older.

We headed home with a feeling of excitement & anticipation.

giphy-downsized-large

We continued discussing things further and concluded that now is definetely the best time to have a puppy. I only work part time, which means I have plenty of time to train the puppy through that crucial first year, and although it will be very tough finding a place to rent when we return to the UK next year, we agreed it is a risk we are willing to take. We agreed that I would be the primary carer of the puppy, (doing the sometimes unpleasant early morning walks) and that hubby would help out the rest of the time. We will share the costs as much as possible and most importantly, we will enjoy every minute of our new family member! ❤

Funnily enough, when I lay in bed last night, I actually had a very restless night’s sleep. It was like a delayed realisation that we are REALLY getting our puppy. Worries started swirling around in my head of not being a good doggy mum, having difficulties in training or feeling overwhelmed when the puppy is frightened or crying etc..What if I can’t do it?!

This morning, I went to my therapist to discuss my recent constant nightmares about my mother and for a general catch up, and I told her that I am nervous but very happy about getting our dog. She was extremely excited for me and told me to bring the puppy for a visit when we finally have her.

My therapist has been with me through my journey of recovery for the last 3 years and knows how much I love these little dogs.  We even used the visual image of a wire-haired dachshund in our EMDR therapy many times, which helped combat my fear of flying & eased other ptsd triggers. As I had already anticipated, she said it is completely normal to feel nervous about getting our puppy.

Any big commitment and big life change, brings with it a little anxiety & anticipation.

Thanks for reading!

Love (a very happy & excited) Athina ❤

Waiting for results..

This isn’t the usual post I write about..

It isn’t about the narcissists in my life or the stress associated with them..

It isn’t about my work or my plans to move back to the UK..

It is a raw & honest post about my fear for my health..

Health is always the most important thing in our life and when we are faced with the possibility of ill health or we actually are ill, everything else goes out the window..

On Monday I woke up with a slight lump in my throat. I was walking around the flat trying to keep busy, to distract myself from the anxiety I was feeling about the dermatologist appointment I had been anticipating for 3 months..

The reason I had this appointment was to get 2 suspicious moles removed from the delicate area right next to my nipple and 1 mole under my left arm. Due to my background having grown up in Greece and knowing that as a teenager I had got burnt many times, I had been keeping a very close eye on all my moles over the last few years.

Around 1 year ago, I went to a dermatologist to get my whole body checked for abnormal moles. I got the feeling that she was in a bit of a rush when she was checking me. I pointed out the moles I was concerned about but in the end she told me that I had nothing to worry about and that all my moles were normal.

My gut was continuing to tell me otherwise. I was still noticing changes in my moles in the months after that appointment and decided to ask around for another recommendation. I finally booked myself in for an appointment with a new dermatologist and after several months of waiting, I finally got a proper check up. She said my instincts were spot on and that my moles were definetely showing signs of possible melanoma. That was 3 months ago and the earliest appointment I could book with her for removal of these moles, was 4 days ago.

So on Monday this week, I had the 2 excisions. The dermatologist was very kind during the OP and told me what she was going to do step by step. She was overly concerned that I would complain about the colour of the stitches, the size of the wound and the subsequent scarring afterwards. She had had many clients in the past who complained about everything and anything.

I was very trusting of her ability and told her that I am happy for her to do what she knows best and that as long as I don’t have melanoma, I don’t care about anything else.

The most painful part of the procedure were the 4 anesthetic injections I had before she did the elliptical excisions. Once I became numb, the biggest excision felt like someone was running a pointy pencil along my skin. The biggest excision was 4 cm long, as there were 2 moles she had to take out which very close to one another. These were the ones next to my left nipple. The uneasiest part, was seeing the deep chunk of flesh she removed from my breast. I was lying on my right side throughout the operation and the container for the biopsy was right in front of me, so it was hard to ignore. When I saw how big the chunk of skin was that she removed, I was stunned.  I originally thought I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes open at all through the procedure but her voice was soothing and I focused on her face most of the time.

skin-biopsy

As someone who has naturally low blood pressure, I was very dizzy after the procedure. I had already warned my hubby that bringing the car would be the better option for me but unfortunately there wasn’t anywhere to park near the doctors. We ended up getting a taxi home after the operation, as everytime I tried standing up, I would start feeling very faint. I lay down in the back of the taxi which helped immensely and luckily I made it to bed 5 min later.

Hubby sorted everything out once we got home. I had a nap in bed while he went out and got pizza for dinner. He also bought the bandages and the antiseptic spray the doctor had prescribed and sent off the doctor’s note to my employer.

On that first night, I slept in a separate bed so hubby wouldn’t accidentally bump my wounds. I only managed 4 hours sleep, as I couldn’t find a comfortable position to lie in. I spent half the night reading about melanoma, the different stages and what I can expect with each one. It is horribly uncomfortable but I am doing my best not to drive myself crazy.

At the moment, I have been signed off work for a whole week rather than the 2 days I had originally planned to be off. When I changed the dressings 24 hours and 48 hours after the operation, I had to lie down..

I seem to be one of those people who get dizzy whenever they look at a wound with stitches on their body. I guess the idea of being cut open on my breast, was just too much to get my head around.

Today, I was luckily able to change my dressing without feeling faint. I guess I know the wound is improving so I am better able to cope with looking at it.

The hardest thing I am finding at the moment is trying to be positive about my biopsy results. The possibility of melanoma is high, otherwise I wouldn’t have had these moles removed with excision. I don’t get my stitches out until the 26th of this month and that will most likely also be the time that I get my biopsy results too. It is quite a long time to wait and the worrying is just going to be there until I know.

Feeling vulnerable is where I am at. My thoughts are going in all sorts of directions and when imagining the worse case scenario, I feel sad for my hubby who might have to deal with me being sick..

Health is to be valued and our bodies are to be respected.

I just wish I had been a little more careful as a teenager when spending hours on the beach with not enough sun tan lotion on my pale skin..

I enjoyed my Birthday this year!What a nice change :-)

Last year, my birthday was full of sadness, longing and disappointment. I was overwhelmed with the loss of the father I thought I’d had.

This year, although we didn’t fly to Greece as we had originally planned and although I am no longer in contact with my father, my birthday actually felt good! My closest friends from London arrived yesterday on my actual birthday and the timing of their arrival was just perfect. I had no time to feel sad and think too much about my Dad. We woke up, got ready and went straight to the airport to pick them up. After that we went straight for brunch and picked up my delicious birthday cake that hubby had ordered a few weeks before.

When we got home, we had cake and tea 🙂 It was absolutely delicious!

DSCN4053

It was so lovely to catch up after 1 year of not seeing them and we thoroughly enjoyed showing them a good time. Later in the afternoon/evening we headed into town, so they could get some gifts for their work colleagues from the Haribo shop and we finished off the evening with a delicious dinner and some cocktails at Hans im Gluck Burger bar.

1200x630_Muenster_Sakzstraßehans_im_gluck_burgergrill_ambiente_2

DSCN4071

Although my anxiety creeped up on me as it’s been ages since I have actually socialised properly with friends, I still managed to keep it under control so it wouldn’t ruin my day.

Unfortunately, anything that requires leaving my comfort zone or routine nowadays, seems to aggravate my anxiety more than it used to. I have become so accustomed to just spending all my time with hubby, that I seem to get anxious if I feel that I have to socialise for 3 days non stop. Luckily though, we have breaks in between and even though my friends are here for 3 days, we still take some time out throughout each day to just chill and have some alone time.

Today we have a chilled out day doing a nature walk in our local area and although it is 30 degrees, which always increases my anxiety due to the heat, I will be organised with refreshments packed in my little rucksack to ease my symptoms when they get bad.

Love Athina ♥

 

 

Dachshund or returning to UK

scotland-974103_1920

Hubby and I have been talking more and more over the last few days about how our life will continue when his work contract comes to an end next year..Do we leave our comfortable home and life for a life back in the uncertain post brexit future of the UK or do we stay for the long haul and I just have to continue learning the language?!

My number one choice has always been the UK, mainly because I never wanted to leave in the first place. We only left because hubby wasn’t happy in his job in Bournemouth and he only had a short window to find work elsewhere until our money ran out. Germany was the quickest offer he got, so although I had many reservations, we did it anyway..

After the first few months passed of us settling into our new life in Germany, we decided to get married. Things were going downhill in Greece with my father’s depression and I just had this bad feeling. I knew that if I ever wanted to get married with both my parents there, it would have to be that year. We went through with it in October 2014, 7 months into living in Germany. Although it wasn’t the easiest or smoothest wedding day due to stress and family drama, we at least committed to each other and created a new family unit. Both hubby and I always needed to feel a sense of belogning in our life and we finally managed to find it in each other.

Unfortunately, 2 months after we got married I confronted my mother about her dismissal of my feelings most of my life and 7 months later my father attempted suicide. My first year of marriage was utter shite and I had to go back on anti-depressants just to get through that year!Looking back on it now, I am happy it is over! The only thing that made that year a little better was celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary in New York! I had always wanted to go to America and I finally made it there for our special day!

All in all, Germany ended up being a safe haven for me, so I could work through my feelings of grief and disappointment. Although I was out of my comfort zone, Germany became my best friend. The fact that I wasn’t working for the first 2 years of my life here was a blessing in disguise. I was able to develop myself personally, set boundaries, progress heaps and bounds in therapy and even qualify as a life coach.

I finally said goodbye to my father after all the abuse & trauma and managed to slowly  re-create a civil relationship with my mother again, although only through acceptance of her limitations. Although I know life isn’t ever going to be the same again, since acquiring all this new wisdom & knowledge about my abusive parents, I am finally closer to making peace with the family I am left with.

The cutest thing about life here in Germany has been the constant appearance of the ‘Rauhaardackel’! :-)I completely fell in love with these beautiful little wirehaired dachshunds (sausage dogs) and we have been wanting to get one for the last couple of years. In this last month, hubby sent out emails to separate breeders and we came so very close to getting one this summer. We have so much love to give a dog and are also looking forward to the unconditional love that a dog gives back. Germany has at times been lonely, due to lack of friends or family and we know that this little dog would give us so much joy and friendship.

pet-316470_1280

Over the last weekend, we had numerous chats about moving back to England. On Friday, hubby just announced that we have to move back no matter what! He admitted that he is fed up travelling to work & back 2 hours each day, being the only one who earns enough to support our family and that he would much prefer it if we both worked average jobs full time rather than him doing a stressful job on his own. This is also something I have been wanting for the last 3 years, as I have missed earning a full time wage but have also been wanting to further develop myself in the area of mental health, through work and studies. I have felt like my desire to work in areas that interest me in the UK, has been on hold the last couple of years.

The hardest thing about living abroad is that you discover that there are so many things that are better than in your country. Renting in Germany is like owning a home. You have more freedom to do whatever you want and the rent is only increased once every 10 years. The health-care system is also very good. I have had great support here for both my mental and physical health. We were also able to buy a brand new car with hubby’s savings and we now only purchase food and cosmetics from Organic sources. There are a lot of things that we have grown accustomed to, so another big move again means that we will have to give up a lot of what we currently have.

It also means that we have to give up on our dream of getting our little sausage dog 😦 Moving back to the UK and finding a property to rent that will also accept a small dog, would be a huge challenge. Landlords don’t usually accept pets, so if we were to actually get a dog, it would limit our choice by 80%. This breaks my heart as I desperately want a dog, especially because we have decided we are not having kids.

This is the way it will have to be however. If we want to move back to the UK for my own emotional wellbeing, then having a puppy will just have to wait..

I admitted to hubby that I am so very tired of being around German speaking people..I am genuinely fed up of feeling uncomfortable and like a fish out of water..I usually enjoy getting to know people but my ability to do this here has obviously been hard. Especially now that I have started this new part time job, I always feel on edge when people talk to me and I know I have to reply in German. I never realised how much I would miss speaking English until I moved here!

Having emotional difficulties is already challenging enough to live with..Battling ill mental health is tough enough with all the limitations that come with it. When you already suffer with CPTSD, pushing yourself even further out of your comfort zone is a struggle..I really feel like I have done the best I could do under the circumstances..

To end this long, babbling blog post, I wanted to say that hubby is much closer to accepting that we will be moving back to the UK next year. We have made plans to save as much money as we can so we are comfortable when we move back and we have decided that we will really try to downsize from a 2 bedroom flat to a 1 bedroom in the UK, so we can save even more money for a future deposit on a forever home. I will have to give away or sell most of my unneccesary possessions (dvd collections/art/home decor etc), to make room for a sensible future life in the UK again.

In all honesty, I cannot wait! 🙂

Thanks for reading! ❤

Why you must stop obsessing over the narcissist

When your relationship with the narcissist in your life comes to an end, you will go through a very tumultuous recovery period. You will feel like your world has been turned upside down and your mind and body will be going through withdrawal.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being addicted to a drug. They take over your life completely and when the relationship ends, the recovery process becomes an endless battle of fighting the obsessive thoughts and questions you are left with. The trauma bond created is excruciatingly hard to break.

In most cases there is no real closure, as you aren’t ending a relationship with a healthy person. When you are not understood and validated and your feelings are dismissed with guilt-tripping, controlling and manipulating behaviour, it is extremely diffucult for your mind and heart to feel peace.

Eventually however, and after you have spent a long time recovering from this toxic sort of ‘break-up’, there comes a point where the obsessing must come to an end. The introspection and deep inner work must begin. The grieving must take a different direction.

This video is about the importance of reaching that point in your healing.

It is of course, far more complicated if you were unlucky enough to also have a narcissistic family but in general the process is the same.

Realisation →Grief→Obsessing→Trying to make sense of their behaviour→Understanding & Acceptance→Grief→Introspection→Grief→Moving on

Love Athina ♥

If you like this post, then please like, comment or share.

 © All blog posts and images are owned by ‘My Child within-Healing from trauma’ and ‘Courage Coaching’. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

First day of new mini-job

So as you may have guessed, my new job started well. Although my German is limited, the owner of the ‘Rheinland Elfen’ was understanding about my need to speak in English, as I wasnt able to understand her ‘fast German’!

On Monday I met the owner and signed the contract for the job and today I had my first hour at work from 7am-8am. I was working with the Operations Manager today and with my limited German and her limited English we managed to communicate just fine 🙂  The work is based inside a 4 storey building, in which they hold seminars in various rooms. My job is to check the list every day and see which rooms need preparing for the various seminars taking place. Today there was only 1 room, so I only needed to work for an hour. The lovely Maria showed me what needed to be done and where everything was stocked and it all went very smoothly.

My job is so much easier than I thought.

All I have to do is tidy 4 kitchens by:

-putting away clean dishes and loading the dishwasher with dirty ones

-re-stocking the fridge with drinks

-making tea and coffee

-wiping surfaces clean

Then I have to prepare a trolley with the right amount of cups, saucers & glasses for the number of people attending each seminar and place them in each room.Coffee & Hot water flasks must also be prepared, along with a sufficient amount of other refreshments.

Next Tuesday, I will be doing my first morning working with my friend and we will have 6 conference rooms to prepare, so we will probably work 2-2.5 hours.

Although the work is repetitive, I really don’t mind it. It already feels good to have paid work again, especially in a foreign country. It is also a lot easier than working 12 hour shifts in an ‘End of Life’ care home, which is what I did in my last job in the UK, before we moved to Germany.

So I am now officially a ‘Rheinland Elfen’ (Elfen=female Elf and Rheinland is the area of Germany I live in)! Since green is my favourite colour, I am pretty thrilled with my laid back Uniform T-shirt 🙂

DSCN3782 (2)

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

Out of my comfort zone

A friend of mine who works in an office building cleaning, has asked me if I want to work with her in the mornings. They are understaffed and she has been doing too much within a 3 hour timeframe. She also said that her boss is looking for someone to work in the evenings too, which is something I will also have to do.

Since I haven’t had a proper job here in Germany, due to my lack of German language skills, I have said yes to the job offer. The offices are a 10 min walk from home which is ideal and working alongside her in the morning will be a nice way to start as she will show me all the ropes.

The thing I am most nervous about however is meeting her boss on Monday, so I can give her all the necessary paperwork and sign any forms that state I will be starting to work for them. This has to be done with my limited German and in all honesty I am very uneasy about this. I havent really practiced much German since finishing my course in February and understanding is still a huge challenge. I can only do short sentences and when I am nervous I can’t think clearly or remember everything that I have learnt. People get impatient with you easily if you can’t speak the language and I always feel incredibly self-conscious.

Nevertheless, I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway as I want my own job. Hubby and I will still definetely be in Germany for another year and 8 months until his contract comes to an end, so It would be great for me to put some money aside.

I have spent the morning so far looking over my German language notes and have researched all the words and sentences I can find related to the tasks of this new job.

My friend didn’t tell her boss I only have basic German skills, so I hope she is understanding on Monday. It is only a cleaning job after all! How demanding are they going to be!?

My friend gave me a good bollocking this morning when I mentioned I haven’t practiced my German and feeling very scared about speaking. She said I have to leave my comfort zone and just do it! I know she is right in so many ways however I am still looking forward to moving back to the UK and finally being back in my comfort zone of being able to express myself fluently & fully understand what is being said to me. As much as I have enjoyed our life and all the other amazing opportunities that Germany has offered me in regards to physical & mental health, having a car and hubby’s good job,  learning German was and still is something I hugely dislike. I hated it at school and I still hate it now, even after 3 years of living here. Even the successful completion of the A1 Deutsch course didn’t convince me to continuing learning.

I guess if your heart really isn’t in something then I guess it will always be a challenge.

Wish me luck on Monday! I will need it! x

Love Athina ♥

A little bit of drama..

I am back home after my short trip to Scotland and pretty happy to be in the comfort of my own cosy nest.

Last Sunday, hubby drove me to the airport in the morning. Although I was very prepared emotionally for staying at my mother’s home, (after our major fallout 2,5 years ago) my anxiety nevertheless creeped up on me, just as we approached the airport. It actually felt so bad, that I told hubby to keep his mobile on, in case I needed him to come back and get me..

Being around abusive & manipulative individuals will always keep you on guard.  In my mother’s case, because she is a covert narcissist, her abusive behaviours are well concealed..Because I know that she has a tendency to bring up past drama & past hurts, my mind was already in a hypervigilant state.

Luckily I was prepared for the appearance of anxiety, so I took a xanax to at least get me on the plane. Hubby was also flying off to Israel for work, so we would both be away. Separations are always hard.

When I arrived in Edinburgh, it was a lovely sunny day. There were flowers on sale everywhere at the airport and train station for Mother’s Day, and it all felt a little strange.

Although I am mostly over the fact that my Mother is unhealthy, the sadness of not having had a reassuring & unconditionally loving mother is something that I have just had to learn to live with.

When I arrived, my mother picked me up from the station and we went straight to my grandmother’s. It had been 4 years since I had last seen my grandmother, so this was the main reason for my visit. My cousin also turned up with her dog, which made the afternoon feel even more pleasant.

Afterwards, we drove to my mother’s new home and caught up on all things house related that still needed to be finished. It was nice to see her new home, although I have never felt ‘at home’ in any of my mother’s homes in the past 15 years. The normal warmth & deep motherly love have never been a part of my life. There has always been a superficialness in her love towards me, a superficial feeling of empathy and my mother’s hugs have always felt empty, from a very young age. I know it isn’t my mother’s fault, that she has a personality disorder which hurts her children but unfortunately this was the mother I was given.

Over the next few days, we walked around the shops and I stocked up on my favourite Scottish Shortbread, scones and other yummy cakes. We had lunch and dinner with my mum’s older and younger sisters. I spent a lovely afternoon at my aunt’s farm and enjoyed some cuddles with all the lovely animals, including some labrador puppies.

Apart from a little anxiety due to feeling car sick in my mother’s car, I was ok.

In the evening our conversations became deeper and my mother talked about my Dad and how she had tried to take my brother & I away from him when I was only 4. She had seen by that point, how emotionally distant and cruel my father could be and didn’t want to live like that anymore. She had left her most important possessions with British friends in Greece and had prepared for the possibility of not returning. She had asked my Grandparents if they would let her stay with them in Edinburgh, until she figured out what to do next. She told me that they refused to let her go through with her plan. They told her that she had made a choice and had to return to her husband and her life in Greece. That she had a responsibility towards her children.  She admitted to me that she was very hurt at the time by her parents’ lack of support but that she later understood that they were right.

The biggest reason my mother and I had our major fall-out 2,5 years ago was because she had once again dismissed my feelings as being unimportant and had also made excuses as to why she didn’t want me to stay with her for a couple of months, while I worked and earned money for my Masters.

I realised that the lack of unconditional love was generational. If her mother could send her back to a controlling and abusive husband, because she couldn’t deal with the stress of having us, then my mother could do the same to me.

On my last morning in Scotland and 10 min before I was due to catch my train, my mother brought up the past disappointments from 2 years ago, as if she wanted to rub them in my face again. She said that she hoped I understood the reasons why she wasn’t able to have me stay with her. I told her that in my eyes her reasons weren’t that important and that I felt unwanted and that I could never ask her for anything ever again. I also told her that I have accepted that she has limitations and that I should only accept what she can offer me. She seemed to be happy with that last sentence. She said that, if in the future anything awful happened, that of course she would absolutely support me.

Sadly, I will never ask for her support again and I don’t have any expectations of her. I let that go in my grieving 2 years ago and have accepted that my relationship with my mother now, will be a different one.

When I eventually arrived back home in Germany, I was relieved and very tired. I slept like a baby for the next few days. Hubby arrived home too, so all was back to normal.

I may not have a father in my life anymore, but a little drama will still be a small part of my life once a year.

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

 

 

The calm before the storm

storm-1504607_1920

As I predicted, my father’s reply letter arrived today, even though I said I no longer wanted contact.

Last night I went to bed full of anxiety and today I asked my husband to check the mailbox, as I wanted nothing to do with it.

I knew that if I had his letter in my hand, it would be too difficult to not open the envelope and read it.

Luckily, we folded the letter and put it into another envelope and my husband posted it back. I asked him to write the address as well.

I feel sick to my stomach again from all the fluctuating emotions and utterly exhausted from the tension.

I worry that things are going to get worse from now on and that the next letter will be from his lawyer.

I need to find out what my rights are, for taking my dad’s money from our shared account. After his suicide attempt, he scared the shit out of me. I immediately envisioned a future with even more stress from his gold-digging wife. My therapist also warned me that financially things wouldn’t be good, as narcissists and particularly my father are controlling and irresponsible with their money. She said that I have to be prepared for chaos. This is why I took a portion of this money from our account. I also took this money cos I could see how careless he was being towards himself and his health. I wanted to have some money aside to help him in the future, when he had nothing left.

This of course, will no longer be necessary. Now, I am just protecting myself.

Due to the fact that I live with CPTSD, I have never been able to work full time for very long. My chronic exhaustion, bad memory and general bad mental health has made it very hard to even start considering saving money for the future. Most people in their mid 30’s have already started saving for their retirement. I haven’t been able to do this and this scares me.I also know that it isn’t my husband’s responsibility to pay for me, or to pay for any future expenses that I have because of my irresponsible father.

Now that I didn’t read my father’s reply letter and successfuly sent it back, I will crawl into bed and sleep. I will sleep so I don’t have to think about it anymore and I will sleep cos I feel exhausted.

His words will no longer poison my mind..

His desperation will no longer affect me..

His shaming will no longer hurt me..

I have already suffered enough..

Now is my time to focus solely on myself..♥♥