Grief – The death of my father

My father sadly passed away on the 6th of June and I was stuck in the UK unable to attend his funeral. From all the health problems he had in the last 5 years, including severe depression, 2 suicide attempts, heart failure and triple bypass surgery his cause of death was actually choking. He chocked on a small piece of meat when he was having his dinner and the more he coughed, the more lodged this little piece of meat got. Eventually his heart gave up and they couldn’t revive him.

I hate the fact that it was my father’s gold-digging wife that called me and told me on that Saturday evening. What upset me even more was that I spoke to my father for a mere 2 minutes the day before he died and all he spoke about on the phone was how stressed he felt about building a house for his wife.  His constant stress in that marriage was having enough money to meet the demands of his megalomaniac wife.

Sadly, my half-brother (14 years old) was with my father when he chocked and devastatingly watched him die. The trauma this poor kid has been through has been far worse than what I experienced growing up and it makes me so angry at the injustice of what he has been through. I have always wanted to reach out and be there for him since he was born but his mother made it nearly impossible because of her controlling and isolating tactics.

My father’s funeral was on the 10th of June, 4 days after his death. I only managed to watch a few little videos of his service and the burial and the whole thing felt incredibly surreal. I never imagined that the reason I wouldn’t be able to attend his funeral would be a global pandemic!

Although I wasn’t able to make any decisions in regards to where the funeral was held and what to dress him in, the actual location was exactly what my father would have wanted. The church was brand new and the graveyard was right next to it, on the top of a hill overlooking Glyfada (my home in Greece) and the sea. The church was modern and the location serene.

I hope to eventually visit my Dad’s grave in September to say goodbye properly with family and friends, with a memorial service that his wife isn’t welcome to join.

Currently, I am in the middle of what could be a very unpleasant inheritance battle with his wife who predictably decided to empty my Dad’s bank account 9 days after his death. Negotiating with lawyers has been stressful at such distance and I have hated feeling so out of control..

My grief is currently present mostly in the form of stress, worry, feeling spaced out and angry at the unfairness of my dad’s life choices. He made one bad decision marrying his wife followed by many subsequent bad decisions until his death. I lost my Dad a very long time ago and I felt this the very first time I met this woman and saw how strong a hold she had on him. She controlled him in every way and he always put her first.

Now that Dad has passed, I can only hope that he is at peace..His suffering was self-created sadly..He was given many opportunities by family and friends to leave this woman but he was never strong enough to do so properly.. Luckily we were on speaking terms but our relationship had been very strained over the last 5 years..

I can only hope now that the courts will decide on a fair outcome in regards to the inheritance and that his gold digging wife won’t get to keep all the money he fought so hard to distribute fairly.

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

 

Update on my father

I realise it’s been over a year since I last wrote on here about my father..

Life has been hectic, busy, tiring and unpredictable..

In my last post, I wrote about my Dad being in hospital after a major heart attack..

I wrote about my Dad finally divorcing his gold-digging wife..

What I didn’t write about was that my father ended up having triple bypass surgery and just before this surgery, his wife was by his side every day manipulating him and managed to convince him to marry her again. She knew that there was a high probability that he might die, so she wanted to make sure she was financially covered. By being married to him again, she could get his full pension if he did die and she could also continue to bleed him dry financially. I have no idea how on earth she managed to do this whilst he was in hospital but in Greece anything is possible..All she needed to do was give the town Mayor some extra money and beg him to let her marry him, as he could die..

So my Dad is once again married and had the triple bypass surgery..He survived but it took him 2 days to come out of the coma, as it was huge surgery and he was very weak..It affected his mental health to an extreme and his clinical depression got so much worse..He was delirious, confused and in a constant state of anxiety..Once he was stabilised physically and the heart surgeon was happy with his progress, he was moved by his wife to the same psychiatric clinic he was in a few years ago, after his suicide attempt.. I wasn’t able to speak to him or call him, as his wife wasn’t allowing him to speak to me.. I got so fed up of trying to get in touch with him and not being able to I finally decided to fly out and see him (January 2019), as I was very concerned about him..It had been almost 3 years since I had last properly seen him so I was extremely nervous..

I spent 2 nights in a hotel close to the clinic and asked my Dad’s colleague to advise me when to go..

It was very stressful seeing him in the state he was in.. His wife was there and I was on guard when I arrived, as I thought she would cause a scene.. Luckily, although things were uncomfortable I focused on seeing my Dad..He was extremely unwell looking..Skinny, pale, confused and anxious.. He was crying all the time and was constantly agitated..His teeth had all rotted and I couldn’t believe how unwell he looked..

After speaking to the doctors, they explained that the triple bypass surgery had worsened his mental health.. He was put on 5 different psych medications and it took nearly 2 months to stabilise him.. Because he had been in hospital for 3 months, he had muscle wastage so he wasn’t able to walk… So he needed complete support with his personal care and using the toilet.. Luckily his wife, was there supporting him despite her financial intentions in the long run..

I flew home and accepted that I had done my part visiting him… Although it was very distressing, I made peace with the fact that I saw him, in case something happened and he deteriorated again..

As months went on and he finally went home with his wife, he still wasn’t able to walk and physiotherapy wasn’t working.. He was still very weak and specialists said that his Type II diabetes had damaged nerves in his legs and his spine was also in a terrible state due to his scoliosis and unhealthy lifestyle.

We were on speaking terms and I had to call his wife’s mobile, if I wanted to speak to him.. Eventually he was able to use his mobile again and wasn’t as confused anymore..His wife was still controlling him but in a way, she was also protecting him as he was reckless..He wanted to drive his car although his legs were weak and his left eye had poor visibility.. He actually drove once and crashed into a parked car without even realising..

The diabetes had also damaged part of his brain, which apparently caused the depression and confusion..He is more reckless in general and isn’t well enough to be making healthy decisions unfortunately..

In October 2019, I decide to fly out again and see him..I wanted to see where he was living and how things were at home with his wife.. I wanted to witness her behaviour towards him and whether he was still being manipulated..By the time I flew out to Greece, my father had left her again and was staying with a friend..Apparently she had been making unreasonable money demands again, for jewellery over £2000 etc..

I saw him for 2 days again and we had lunch like we used to 4 years ago, before everything went down hill…Although he was still unable to walk properly, I tried discussing certain important things with him. He was still unable to have a healthy conversation in many ways and there were still elements of confusion but at least there wasn’t any nastiness.. He kept saying he didn’t want to get back with his wife but then as soon as I returned home, he said that she spoke to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist advised that my father got back with her for the sake of my 13 year old half-brother..

They have since been together and there haven’t been any more dramas but time will tell..

His health is still fragile but at least his heart is a little better..

I have decided to keep things civil with him..

Things are calm at the moment and for that I am grateful..

Until next time..

Thanks for reading!

Love Athina ♥

The dreaded hospital

It seems that I only seek solace in writing here on my personal blog when I am confronted by new challenges. When my CPTSD get triggered again by new family drama, I seem to crave the need to write..

I come here to write as a way of getting my muddled and anxious thoughts out of my head.

My father suffered a heart attack around 10 days ago and I was the last to find out..

He was unwell for several days before his colleagues convinced him to get help..

Once he eventually went to a small local hospital they rushed him with an ambulance to a big central hospital in Athens.

He didn’t want me to know he’d had a heart attack, so his colleagues told me several days later. Apparently, he didn’t want to worry me!

My Dad apologised back in September for the way he had treated me over the last couple of years since his suicide attempt and told me that he cared. Although I know this apology was mostly threatened out of him by my mother, it is the closest thing I will ever get to closure with my Dad. Sadly, he is severely mentally ill with NPD, obsessions and paranoia. He is a shell of the Dad he used to be and the person who was at least respected and liked in both his business and friendships. He has been wanting to die for several years, ever since his wife started threatening to leave him and take all his money. He has been severely self-neglectful towards himself and even though he finally got a divorce from his now ex-wife, he still needs her attention.

Now that he is in hospital again, I have tried not to go into panic mode and make any rushed decisions.Last time after his suicide attempt, I spent 2 weeks in hospital and psychiatric clinics, getting caught up in all the drama that he had created..and in the end, despite doing my best to support him, he rejected me for acting in his best interests.

Although this time I have gone into hyper-vigilance mode which is unavoidable due to my PTSD, I have been trying not to rush any decisions.

I have known for 5 days that he is in hospital, but due to my work, I haven’t been able to just drop everything and fly to Greece. I have been in contact with 2 people regarding his health and one of them has told me his heart is so damaged that it is only working on 10% of its ability. Due to the delay of getting treatment, his heart is almost destroyed. He will most likely need a bypass but only if his heart is strong enough to handle an operation. Death is very likely, according to the first person I spoke to. His colleague on the other hand has told me that he is stable since being in hospital and that yes, they are indeed waiting on more tests to verify whether he is fit enough for a bypass operation but that generally the doctors don’t know much. The chances seem very slim however. The level of heart fitness has to be at least a 5 and my dad’s heart is at a 4, so there is a high likelihood he will die.

Yesterday I was very sure that I wanted to fly out to Greece immediately to say my last goodbyes but today I have not been too sure. I have also heard that his ex-wife has been by his side non-stop manipulating him again and it has made me feel physically nauseous..Watching her control over him over the years destroyed our relationship and she is still turning him against the people who care about him the most, which is heart-breaking. It is however his choice to still want her in his life, despite the divorce.

I am mentally preparing myself to deal with the toxicity of it all again.

I feel that I have to go there for the bare minimum, which is to say goodbye, in case he dies. The people that have been supporting him have had enough..They want me to take over but I am not willing to do much this time round.. His self destruction is ongoing..

If he obviously dies, then I will have to go out there and stay longer to sort through stuff..

Life feels really shitty right now..and very unfair..

I am in desperate need of relief from this situation with my father..

Whether I will get that when he dies or not, isn’t very clear..

Either way, I have to go and face him one more time and say goodbye..

I love him and am so very sad that his life turned out this way, when it could have been so much better..

I just hope that he finally finds peace and everyone around him does too. ♥♥♥

 

My narcissist father has sent me what seems like a genuine apology. Do I trust it?

For the last month, I have been in a state of inner turmoil. My father has been contacting me via email, telling me that he is finally divorced from his wife and talking to me like I am a client who owes him money.

He doesn’t have my new contact address or phone number luckily, so this has made things easier for me.

He has been trying to get me to return the money which I took from our shared account, after his suicide attempt. He has sent me 3emails, with all emails completely focused on the money. I have not replied to any of his attempts to make contact with me for the last 2 years. I have been very strong and have handled all his nasty emails with confidence in myself & with determination. I hadn’t allowed myself to be affected by his words or to feel hurt.

Last week however, he sent me a very nasty email which finally got to me and caused me a lot of anxiety over the weekend. I guess it was his last attempt to pressure me into giving him his money!

I am copying and pasting his email into this blog post, so you can see for yourselves.

His emails may be triggering *** So please read with care!

I thought you would be sensitive to the fact that there is a danger to loose my house and be homeless while you will have the house I wrote in your name, when I die. I gave it to you as a present [stupid me ]!

I will never forget my stress finishing the house for you and I will also never forget being a taxi driver for you when you were at school, taking you and all your friends to wherever you needed to go.I will never forget the money I spent for your studies in private schools and at university and the money I gave you to cover your expenses in England.

I haven’t done anything bad to you, only to myself with my wife. You have treated me like Judas treated his master. What kind of daughter are you not allowing your mother to give me your phone number?? S and A are disgusted with you and because you are such a monster, I am afraid more people HAVE to know about what you did, so you will become a person with no family!! I will contact the whole family to tell them what you have done, so they can help me!

How will you feel when I am dying? Your conscience will drive you mad after your crime..

Don’t you think if we were ok and you needed some help with money that I wouldn’t give it to you? If I save the house and I am able to sell it I will give you something then. If you will send me MY MONEY IN A WEEK I will do as I said.

I am ashamed to be your father!

After all the above, I spent a weekend feeling unsettled and anxious. Deep down, I know that I have never done anything morally wrong. When I took my father’s money, I did it with good intentions. I did it to provide him and myself a safety net to fall back on, when he finally divorced his wife and was too unwell to look after himself. I did it to cover any medical expenses that may come up or any other expenses that I would most definetely be burdened with. In the future, I am going to be the only person that will help my father when nobody else will. I will be the only person that will sort out the mess and chaos he will most likely leave behind.

5 days after the above email, which I yet again didn’t reply to, my father wrote me his first emotional, remorseful and apologetic email.

The words in this email, are the words that every adult child of a narcissist hopes to one day finally hear from their parent. Every child that has been abused or neglected by their parent, dreams of an apology or at least some genuine emotion, that shows love and regret.

These are his words:

I am very sorry for all the things that happened between us. I don’t excuse myself for panicking and acting unreasonably and inconsiderately towards the people around me, especially those dearest to me. I know many people don’t like me anymore and I know I have pushed so many people away.

Please excuse my panic because I’m in danger of losing my home because of a loan from the bank that need re-paying. I won’t be able to sell my home until this loan is paid off and I just want to make our lives easier.I would never have followed through on my threats as I would never have wanted to ridicule my own child or in fact be blamed for not raising you right.  I did everything in my power to raise you right.

My threats were just a way of pressuring you in my despair, so I don’t lose my home.

When I die, you and your brother will both have a share in my business. You will also have a home. I will not talk to you again about the money that created this whole mess between us in the first place. Keep it, if it makes you happy. You are worth more to me than all the millions in the world. Please, just pray to god, that He forgives me for all that I have written to you and that he watches over me.

Please do not hesitate to communicate with me. I don’t blame you for anything or need to forgive you for anything. Since I can’t have all my children near me, I would love some communication as much as possible, and when the financial situation allows it, I would love to go on a trip to see you. Unfortunately for me, my depression still continues with frequent panic attacks. I hope nevertheless, that I will be able to stand beside you for as long as I continue to live,  as best as I can manage, as a relatively wiser father.

I love you very much and I apologise for hurting you because of my needs.

I don’t know whether to trust these words as they are so contrasting to his last email. These words touched me so much, that I cried over and over again. That little girl in me, that has just wanted to feel loved by her father again, was awoken by these words.

I feel hope and confusion.

I feel compassion and feel deeply sad for him.

But what do I do with these words?

Do I break my ‘no contact’ and reply to him?

Is he genuinely sorry?

Is he only sorry because he is finally realising that he is now on his own.

Is he just being a typical narcissist who is still trying to manipulate me but this time with softer words that he knows will affect me?

Do I give him one last chance, to see if he genuinely means what he has said or will the money issue come up again?

I am so confused right now, I need your help.

If I was talking to my coaching clients, I would tell them to go with their gut feeling and I would tell them to take their time before making a decision. I would also advise them to be weary and to try not to be too hopeful! Individuals with NPD don’t usually change!

It’s tougher to think clearly when it is happening to you, however..Especially when it’s your parent and you are very emotional..

My father has desperately tried to avoid being on his own all of his life yet sadly has succeeded in being on his own.He has pushed everyone away that cared for him: friends, family, partners etc…I remember him telling me when I was a child, that there is nothing worse than dying alone…Yet, he left his own narcissistic mother to die alone in a top floor flat in 40 C degrees heat!

I really don’t know what to think of everything..

He still seems to think that I wanted the money all for myself, when that was never the reason I took it..

I am struggling right now..

I love my Dad..

I have never stopped loving him..

I have never stopped thinking of him..

He is still alive and has finally divorced that gold-digger…

But does he deserve one last chance to make things right with me?

Thanks for reading ♥♥

Love Athina

Big changes bring stress but even more so, when a narcissist or two is involved

Unfortunately, I spent ages writing a long post, which WordPress somehow didn’t save..I tried publishing it and then it just disappeared.. 😦

So this version will be a lot shorter…

My husband, our puppy and I, are now finally living back in England. We moved to the area of Surrey back in mid June, which is known for it’s beautiful countryside. The whole move went smoothly luckily but unfortunately my husband’s new job is a huge disappointment. His manager is sadly incompetent in her job and seems to thrive on conflict and chaos. For this reason, this first month back in the UK has been tough..I haven’t been able to fully enjoy being back in Britain, as hubby has been so disappointed and sad.  He is currently talking to HR about all the terrible things he has witnessed since starting his new job, as he feels he owes it to the staff he manages.

Apart from this unlucky choice of job, everything else here in Surrey has been fine.

I have also started working part-time alongside my Coaching business and we have generally been busy getting used to our new routines..

The last thing we needed at this transitional time, is any additional stress..

As a lot of my followers know, my life has never been smooth running without stress. Narcissistic parents don’t allow you to have a relaxing life, unfortunately.. There is always some drama lurking behind the corner..

To cut the story short, my mother was contacted by my father, (as he couldn’t reach me to tell me), and he told her that he has now divorced his gold-digging wife of 18 years and wants to reconnect with me.

On top of that, my mother said that she told my father, that she was the one that advised me to take some of his money from our shared account when he was in hospital after his suicide attempt (This money was taken by me as a protective measure against his nasty gold-digging wife).

So first she announces a bomb shell to me and then she tells me that she outright lied to my father about advising me to take his money!?!

I was furious at her for saying such a thing, and I honestly can’t for the life of me understand why she would say that??!! My mother didn’t even know my father had attempted suicide or that I was in Greece by his side, let alone know anything about his money.

I told her that what she said was not true, as we didn’t speak at all when my father was in hospital.

I only told her what happened 2 weeks after I had returned from Greece and managed to take in what had actually happened. She said that we obviously remember things differently, which is absolutely ridiculous, as my husband was with me through the whole ordeal. He kept advising me not to talk to my mother or anybody at the time, until after it was all over. It was the best way for me to cope with my rising anxiety levels through the trauma of it all.

At the moment, I am sitting here trying to wrap my head around this whole divorce.

What changed now? How did this finally happen after 18 years of trying to convince my father to leave this woman? This woman fought so hard to bleed him dry and yet now they are divorced?

She micromanaged everything for 18 years and controlled everything he said or did.

She even successfully turned him against me.

My mother is encouraging me to speak to my father, but I am having none of it. We haven’t been in contact for over 1 year and a half..

My father wants his money back and my mother says I should give it back to him now that he is finally divorced..I no longer have to keep it as a protective measure, since she now can’t get anymore money from him..

My mother wanted to know how much money I took from him and I told her that the amount isn’t important in the slightest and isn’t any of her business. She said that she can’t understand why I am keeping secrets from her..

She is upset that I won’t share everything with her…

This whole thing is between my Dad and I…She is the ex-wife

I told her to let me deal with this in my own time, when I feel ready to…

She said that I have to get over it and move on..

That my Dad is an old man and needs me now and that we have to repair our relationship… She then mentioned herself in that too, saying she is also getting old and that no one knows what might happen and when..So it’s better to repair relationships rather than remain bitter…

Luckily, I stopped listening to my mother ages ago, so I also didn’t let her words affect me..

I hate that she still tries to get me to do things her way…

It’s not about her…If she doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle of my Dad and I, then she doesn’t need talk to him…

I am not ready to give him my contact details or new address…

I don’t even know if I am ready to hear him out…

I think I would need proof of his divorce before I proceed to make contact with him again, if at all…

My priority at the moment is to support my husband through this difficult transitional period, as he has always put me first. He gave up so much security in Germany to move back to the UK for me, so the least I can do is be there for him…

My mother says that my husband is an adult and doesn’t need my support…(how ridiculous)….and that my father is more important right now….

My father chose to believe his evil wife, over me, so many times…He hurt me again and again and again..he abandoned me, again and again and again…

My husband has been more respectful and loyal to me in the 6,5 years we have been together, than my father has in the last 18 years…

So, my husband’s needs come first at the moment and my emotions also come first!

I am not letting my energy sucking parents pull me down again..

Not this time!

Just because my Dad woke up and divorced his wife, doesn’t mean that I have to drop everything and cater to his needs suddenly..I did that way too many times and all I got was an emotional slap in the face!

I really don’t like my parents and their demands…

I am so over it…

I need to remind myself not to pick up the phone when it rings..

I need to remind myself to breath and live in the moment and create the life I want for myself, with no added stress or guilt..

I have a family now…Hubby and puppy are my world and they are my first priority…

My own emotional health is my first priority…

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

 

 

Catch up on life

It seems blogging has taken a back seat in my life for awhile now, as my youtube videos and coaching have been taking up a lot of my time. I am so pleased at the way both of these have been going over the last year. My client numbers are on the up and my youtube channel is bringing in a small income.

I am currently feeling quietly proud of my achievements in the last 2 years, as I never thought that anybody would notice me. My husband always told me that I have a talent for listening, empathising & supporting others but I always took it for granted, as it is all I have known. It has been a blessing and a curse at the same time!

From always feeling like my mental health struggles always took something away from me, now I feel that because of these same struggles, I am helping others & working at the same time! This feeling is hugely rewarding. Doing something you love, whilst also making a difference.

My life has also improved greatly because of our darling puppy. She is now nearly 8 months old and is still as affectionate & playful as she was when she was tiny. It has been a huge boost for my mental health, as walking her and attending to her needs for play and stimulation, has kept me living in the moment.

Although I am currently juggling being a wife, puppy mum, life coach, youtube video creator and a facilities assistant at a part time position here in Germany, life couldn’t be better.

It’s been ages since I have been able to look back on my life and say that it has been consistent and stable. The dramas have luckily minimised and the hurt and grief associated with my Dad, is less prevalent. Although I still struggle with a constant feeling of tiredness due to my CPTSD, that is manageable thankfully.

My mother is coming to stay with us for Easter, so I am expecting a tiny bit of drama whilst my husband is away for 1 of the nights. It’s nothing I can’t handle though. It’s been a year since I last saw her and even longer since my husband last saw her, so I am pretty sure it will be fine. Easter is pretty boring here in Germany, as everything is shut for 2 days, so having extra company, might not be such a bad thing.

For those of you who are new to my blog, this is my Coaching blog Courage Coaching

You can also find links on there of my youtube channel.

Thanks for reading!

Love Athina ♥

 

The shortest day and my father’s birthday

It’s been awhile since I have written a blog post or properly caught up on people’s posts, so I hope my regular readers are doing ok. Life has changed completely since our new puppy Daola became part of our family. Looking after a pup and getting through each working day with 2 shifts (morning and evening) has been very different to what it was before. A lot of adjustments have been made and I must admit the first 3 months have been tough. It’s been similar to looking after a baby, even though I don’t have kids. This is what most people have been telling me, anyway. Daola has needed constant entertaining, training and up to 8 trips outside for pee pees. Luckily now, things have started settling down a little. She doesn’t need as many toilet trips outside and her walks have been reduced to 4 a day, including her very brief toilet outing at 5:30 am before work.

Daola 4 months old

 

We have been very lucky to have chosen a pup that is affectionate, cuddly, playful, loyal and always extremely happy to see us, after brief times apart. As a previous cat person, I have completely fallen in love with being a dog mum for the first time. Its been lovely seeing her learn from us as quickly as she has and she seems to be quite intelligent as well. Stubborness and of course selective listening are quite common traits of Daschunds, so at times I have felt very frustrated.

In early December we had a brief holiday and we took Daola with us to Greece for 3 nights, as it had been 10 months since I had last flown home. The last time we were in Athens, we had to empty the flat that we had used for almost 5 years. This was an important decision as it still connected me to my father, which I was already estranged from.

Luckily, our trip to Greece in December wasn’t as challenging as we were worried it would be. We booked a quiet pet friendly hotel in a nice quiet area and Daola luckily slept a lot and was generally very good during the flights. Although the journey was around 7 hours in total, including trains, taxis etc..she did great for a 5 month old pup.

Staying in the hotel we chose, actually had a lot of pros if I were to compare it to the flat we had been staying in over the last years. We had breakfast made for us, we had very good WIFI (which we never had in the flat), there were no cockroaches or outdated toilet drainage systems and I didn’t need to clean anything, as I did upon arrival every previous time. The only cons of going to Greece now is that I no longer have a home there and I no longer have a father or half brother I am able to visit. Due to the toxicity of my father’s way of life, it is just impossible. This always makes me sad understandably and as it is my father’s birthday today, I am feeling even more vulnerable.

My brother unfortunately always tells me about the fact that he is sending my father his birthday gift. He also still talks about him in such an innocent manner. He just doesn’t have the capacity to understand the complexity of why it is too painful for me to talk about him. He also hasn’t seen my father act narcissistically or maybe is just not able to accept that both his parents are narcissistic. I have allowed my brother to continue living in his little bubble of my father being the non narcissist but once again I feel like I have to swallow my frustration and true feelings due my brother’s special needs.

As so many of you know, I always feel very lonely at this time of year, when I realise how much I have lost. I still miss my Dad and always seem to drift into imaginary fantasies of what it could have been like if he had made healthy choices. I imagine how it could have been if he had chosen a healthy wife and had a healthy lifestyle. How we would all spend Christmas together and I would teach my half brother all sorts of important things. There was once a time, where my brother, my half brother, my Dad, his wife and I would all spend Christmas together. Although it never felt comfortable, it still meant that we had our Dad in our life. Now that is no longer the case. He is too sick to think of us affectionately. He is too addicted to his wife and current life situation. We don’t matter anymore. We used to matter much more to him, when we were still a family and he was still married to our mum.

On a more positive note, I just wanted to write that despite the underlying sadness I feel on my Dad’s birthday today and generally this time of year, I am so incredibly grateful to have my hubby to cuddle up to and to have Daola in our life for our first Christmas together. We may not have our parents or other family but we do have a lot of love in our own home. I never want to take what I have for granted, as I know how tough life has been at other points in my life. I value each and every moment of relaxation, calmness and joy.

So for all of you out there who are also struggling with grief at this time of year just remember to notice the beauty that surrounds you. Remember to notice the little things that may otherwise go unnoticed. Remember to value those passing moments of love and joy and capture them in a blog, in a poem or in a photograph. Capturing these happy moments in my life is so important for my mental health. We all need something to hold onto when things get tough.

Today, I will hold onto to some of these happy memories.Photographs have always been my most treasured possession so I will always dig them out and remember.

My father, brother and my father’s wife in 2006..Although I disliked her, spending Christmas together was important.

 

All 3 of us siblings together- 2007

Glyfada/Greece-Summer 2010 Dad and half brother

Fishing with my half brother- summer 2010 Glyfada, Greece

 

Love Athina ♥♥

 

Puppy girl & patience

I have been very occupied lately since we finally brought our new miniature wirehaired daschund girl home with us.

Her name is Daula (Pronounced D-a-o-l-a) .

She is clever, confident, relatively happy and this is all down to the breeder doing a good job with her so far. She came from a litter of 6 puppies so had plenty time to grow into a healthy and secure pup. On our car trip home when we finally picked her up, she just snuggled with me on my lap and didn’t cry at all..When we arrived home, she was very happy to start exploring immediately and started playing with all her new toys.

I think overall, I have been the one that has been more anxious about this brand new life change than she has.

The first weekend with her, was tough..

Both hubby and I were in hypervigilant mode. We were watching her every move and I immediately started training her to use newspapers as her indoor toilet. Hubby on the other hand wanted to also get her used to using the outdoors for her toileting.

So far, she has learnt to do both. Whenever we wake her up after she has had a long nap, we take her outside for a quick wee. During the night and when she is extremely excited she isn’t able to hold her wee. She is too sleepy to get to the newspaper in time to relieve herself. In general, if you consider she is only 9 weeks old, she has managed to understand where her indoor toilet is and she has also managed to stay alone in the living room when we are having a nap in our bedroom. After just 5 nights she was also able to sleep in the living room on her own, without crying for attention at all.

For the first 5 nights, I slept next to her on a mattress on the floor. She didn’t like being in her crate with the door locked over night, so I let her come and sleep next to my mattress for comfort. I think I must have told her over 100 times that she is not allowed on my mattress so I didn’t really get much sleep those first few nights.

Now I am able to sleep in a separate room and she is also able to sleep in the lounge alone, as long as I leave a small light on for her and she has access to something that smells of us. Our slippers or shoes seem to help her self-soothe.

I made a mistake from the beginning, by creating a puppy den for her out of a cardboard box but unfortunately she didn’t like it too much because she couldnt see us. Now she has a crate but we have also decided to invest in a metal puppy pen. This means that when she does have accidents over night, at least they will be confined to her puppy pen area, which we can fill with puppy pads. Over time, we can slowly reduce the amount of pads until she actually uses a litter box. She is a small dog with a small bladder, so in the long term, I think it is quite handy for her to have the option of going to the toilet if she is desperate.

Below I have attached as many photos as possible for you to see, as my facebook friends are probably already getting tired of the bombardment of puppy photos I have been uploading out of sheer excitement! 🙂

Love Athina ❤

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When self-doubt creeps in..

The above reality, written by the amazing Tina Fuller, is something I feel often when things are stable and my life is drama free. Being the child of two narcissists, it is almost impossible to have long lasting peace when they are still alive. And even when they pass away, you still have to be prepared for even more stress in regards to property, money and their remaining family.

After already feeling miserable the last couple of days after waking up with an incredibly painful and stiff lower back, I got a text yesterday from my father which was extremely difficult to understand..

It was written in Greek with capital letters however more than half the letters were missing from each word. I ended up playing a guessing game trying to construct sentences..

Generally, since I asked him not to contact me again back, I should have completely ignored the message. However, because I could make out from the first sentence, something about tax and money, I knew he had done what I was afraid of.

Before I get to that, I have to explain a little about how certain things work in Greece in regards to putting property in a family member’s name.

In Greece, when a parent wants to put property in their child’s name, they usually follow a very odd but very commiting process. Both the adult child and parent sign a document which states that the adult child becomes the owner of the property, however the child isn’t able to make use of the property (live in it, rent it out etc) until the parent dies. Whilst the parent is still living, he/she is the one that can rent out the property and benefit from it. This can be felt as a little unfair for the adult child, as they aren’t able to do anything at all until the parent dies. Then again, they will still own a home in the end, so overall it is worth it.

In the last couple of years, Greece has introduced a new law which says that all property owners have to pay tax on the home that they own. This tax is based on the size of the property in square meters, the year it was built and the type of property. This tax has to be paid once a year and in the case of my property, which has been used and rented out by my father, he has been the one that has been responsible for paying this tax every year. This was only fair, as he has been earning 600euro every month from it and I haven’t benefited at all.

From my father’s text, it was clear that he no longer wants to pay my share of the tax and that I now have to be responsible for it. The only thing I could make out clearly from his text was that I have to pay 500 euro for the property. He then proceeded to guilt-trip me about how much I hurt him, even though he has never turned against me. Luckily, I was able to block this part out emotionally. I currently feel numb to it and I hope it stays this way.

At the moment, I am left wondering whether this will be the only contact I have from him. I am really hoping that it is and that despite delivering this not so nice message to me about the property tax, that he will continue to respect my wishes of ‘no contact’.

With both my parents as narcissists, I guess I will never fully be at peace until they are gone. As long as they are alive, I have to expect some drama.

If the worst thing that ever happens again with my father, is this tax I have to pay once a year, then it is only a small price to pay for owning a house he designed and built. Although my feelings about this home are very mixed at present, a small part of me will most likely cherish this home one day, when my father is no longer alive. Despite the fact that he turned out to be a very sick person, he was still a very giving & present father until I was 13-14 years old. Those memories will always be mine and I hope that one day, I will be able to look back on my relationship with my father and feel less hurt & less sorrow.

Puppy photos

Although our new puppy girl isn’t home with us just yet, our breeder has sent through the most beautiful photos of our little munchkin and I just had to share them with you. She is 1 month and 2 days old today.

Her name is Daula ♥

We already adore this little girl and we are fully prepared to give her the appropriate training, love and patience she will need ❤