For the last month, I have been in a state of inner turmoil. My father has been contacting me via email, telling me that he is finally divorced from his wife and talking to me like I am a client who owes him money.
He doesn’t have my new contact address or phone number luckily, so this has made things easier for me.
He has been trying to get me to return the money which I took from our shared account, after his suicide attempt. He has sent me 3emails, with all emails completely focused on the money. I have not replied to any of his attempts to make contact with me for the last 2 years. I have been very strong and have handled all his nasty emails with confidence in myself & with determination. I hadn’t allowed myself to be affected by his words or to feel hurt.
Last week however, he sent me a very nasty email which finally got to me and caused me a lot of anxiety over the weekend. I guess it was his last attempt to pressure me into giving him his money!
I am copying and pasting his email into this blog post, so you can see for yourselves.
His emails may be triggering *** So please read with care!
I thought you would be sensitive to the fact that there is a danger to loose my house and be homeless while you will have the house I wrote in your name, when I die. I gave it to you as a present [stupid me ]!
I will never forget my stress finishing the house for you and I will also never forget being a taxi driver for you when you were at school, taking you and all your friends to wherever you needed to go.I will never forget the money I spent for your studies in private schools and at university and the money I gave you to cover your expenses in England.
I haven’t done anything bad to you, only to myself with my wife. You have treated me like Judas treated his master. What kind of daughter are you not allowing your mother to give me your phone number?? S and A are disgusted with you and because you are such a monster, I am afraid more people HAVE to know about what you did, so you will become a person with no family!! I will contact the whole family to tell them what you have done, so they can help me!
How will you feel when I am dying? Your conscience will drive you mad after your crime..
Don’t you think if we were ok and you needed some help with money that I wouldn’t give it to you? If I save the house and I am able to sell it I will give you something then. If you will send me MY MONEY IN A WEEK I will do as I said.
I am ashamed to be your father!
After all the above, I spent a weekend feeling unsettled and anxious. Deep down, I know that I have never done anything morally wrong. When I took my father’s money, I did it with good intentions. I did it to provide him and myself a safety net to fall back on, when he finally divorced his wife and was too unwell to look after himself. I did it to cover any medical expenses that may come up or any other expenses that I would most definetely be burdened with. In the future, I am going to be the only person that will help my father when nobody else will. I will be the only person that will sort out the mess and chaos he will most likely leave behind.
5 days after the above email, which I yet again didn’t reply to, my father wrote me his first emotional, remorseful and apologetic email.
The words in this email, are the words that every adult child of a narcissist hopes to one day finally hear from their parent. Every child that has been abused or neglected by their parent, dreams of an apology or at least some genuine emotion, that shows love and regret.
These are his words:
I am very sorry for all the things that happened between us. I don’t excuse myself for panicking and acting unreasonably and inconsiderately towards the people around me, especially those dearest to me. I know many people don’t like me anymore and I know I have pushed so many people away.
Please excuse my panic because I’m in danger of losing my home because of a loan from the bank that need re-paying. I won’t be able to sell my home until this loan is paid off and I just want to make our lives easier.I would never have followed through on my threats as I would never have wanted to ridicule my own child or in fact be blamed for not raising you right. I did everything in my power to raise you right.
My threats were just a way of pressuring you in my despair, so I don’t lose my home.
When I die, you and your brother will both have a share in my business. You will also have a home. I will not talk to you again about the money that created this whole mess between us in the first place. Keep it, if it makes you happy. You are worth more to me than all the millions in the world. Please, just pray to god, that He forgives me for all that I have written to you and that he watches over me.
Please do not hesitate to communicate with me. I don’t blame you for anything or need to forgive you for anything. Since I can’t have all my children near me, I would love some communication as much as possible, and when the financial situation allows it, I would love to go on a trip to see you. Unfortunately for me, my depression still continues with frequent panic attacks. I hope nevertheless, that I will be able to stand beside you for as long as I continue to live, as best as I can manage, as a relatively wiser father.
I love you very much and I apologise for hurting you because of my needs.
I don’t know whether to trust these words as they are so contrasting to his last email. These words touched me so much, that I cried over and over again. That little girl in me, that has just wanted to feel loved by her father again, was awoken by these words.
I feel hope and confusion.
I feel compassion and feel deeply sad for him.
But what do I do with these words?
Do I break my ‘no contact’ and reply to him?
Is he genuinely sorry?
Is he only sorry because he is finally realising that he is now on his own.
Is he just being a typical narcissist who is still trying to manipulate me but this time with softer words that he knows will affect me?
Do I give him one last chance, to see if he genuinely means what he has said or will the money issue come up again?
I am so confused right now, I need your help.
If I was talking to my coaching clients, I would tell them to go with their gut feeling and I would tell them to take their time before making a decision. I would also advise them to be weary and to try not to be too hopeful! Individuals with NPD don’t usually change!
It’s tougher to think clearly when it is happening to you, however..Especially when it’s your parent and you are very emotional..
My father has desperately tried to avoid being on his own all of his life yet sadly has succeeded in being on his own.He has pushed everyone away that cared for him: friends, family, partners etc…I remember him telling me when I was a child, that there is nothing worse than dying alone…Yet, he left his own narcissistic mother to die alone in a top floor flat in 40 C degrees heat!
I really don’t know what to think of everything..
He still seems to think that I wanted the money all for myself, when that was never the reason I took it..
I am struggling right now..
I love my Dad..
I have never stopped loving him..
I have never stopped thinking of him..
He is still alive and has finally divorced that gold-digger…
But does he deserve one last chance to make things right with me?
Thanks for reading ♥♥