Christmas time isn’t always as cheerful as it is meant to be..It isn’t what you see on tv or in films..It isn’t all happy, with big families, presents and lots of love..It has most definetely not been this way for me..
Christmas is a tumultuous time for those of us with trauma & loss..It is a deeply disappointing time for those of us who are parentless..
This empty hole inside me has resurfaced with even more of a vengeance..
All the depressing thoughts that say ‘I am bad, I am not enough, I am guilty’ are whispering in my ear..How can any child not feel emotional pain when their own parent is not able to love them unconditionally?!
I am missing my Dad at the moment..The Dad I thought I had & hoped I had all these years, until reality really hit me hard last year when he turned against me..
Nothing can ever replace the loss of healthy parents…The bereavement of this sort of loss can last a lifetime because you ‘never really knew what healthy parenting is supposed to feel like’..
This is how I am feeling at the moment..There is a rawness and disappointment..A deep desire to be held by a mother or father who loves you deeply and unconditionally..who accepts you..who wants the best for you..who loves spending time with you..who is able to guide you and comfort you…I still dream about this feeling..
I have seen it in other peoples’ parents and have an idea of what it is supposed to feel like but I just can’t quite hold this feeling in…..because it will never be mine….
I will only have ‘surrogate parents’ out there, who are other older friends who have shown more sensitivity and love than my own parents ever did..and that is still not enough..
To all of my parentless friends and fellow bloggers who are struggling with grief this Christmas,
I hear you and feel for you. It is tough to feel such emptiness..It is tough to have grown up with trauma & emotional neglect…
All I can say is….. hold onto the people that you do have in your life right now and be grateful for the smallest things..for these things help to keep you going..♥