The dreaded hospital

It seems that I only seek solace in writing here on my personal blog when I am confronted by new challenges. When my CPTSD get triggered again by new family drama, I seem to crave the need to write..

I come here to write as a way of getting my muddled and anxious thoughts out of my head.

My father suffered a heart attack around 10 days ago and I was the last to find out..

He was unwell for several days before his colleagues convinced him to get help..

Once he eventually went to a small local hospital they rushed him with an ambulance to a big central hospital in Athens.

He didn’t want me to know he’d had a heart attack, so his colleagues told me several days later. Apparently, he didn’t want to worry me!

My Dad apologised back in September for the way he had treated me over the last couple of years since his suicide attempt and told me that he cared. Although I know this apology was mostly threatened out of him by my mother, it is the closest thing I will ever get to closure with my Dad. Sadly, he is severely mentally ill with NPD, obsessions and paranoia. He is a shell of the Dad he used to be and the person who was at least respected and liked in both his business and friendships. He has been wanting to die for several years, ever since his wife started threatening to leave him and take all his money. He has been severely self-neglectful towards himself and even though he finally got a divorce from his now ex-wife, he still needs her attention.

Now that he is in hospital again, I have tried not to go into panic mode and make any rushed decisions.Last time after his suicide attempt, I spent 2 weeks in hospital and psychiatric clinics, getting caught up in all the drama that he had created..and in the end, despite doing my best to support him, he rejected me for acting in his best interests.

Although this time I have gone into hyper-vigilance mode which is unavoidable due to my PTSD, I have been trying not to rush any decisions.

I have known for 5 days that he is in hospital, but due to my work, I haven’t been able to just drop everything and fly to Greece. I have been in contact with 2 people regarding his health and one of them has told me his heart is so damaged that it is only working on 10% of its ability. Due to the delay of getting treatment, his heart is almost destroyed. He will most likely need a bypass but only if his heart is strong enough to handle an operation. Death is very likely, according to the first person I spoke to. His colleague on the other hand has told me that he is stable since being in hospital and that yes, they are indeed waiting on more tests to verify whether he is fit enough for a bypass operation but that generally the doctors don’t know much. The chances seem very slim however. The level of heart fitness has to be at least a 5 and my dad’s heart is at a 4, so there is a high likelihood he will die.

Yesterday I was very sure that I wanted to fly out to Greece immediately to say my last goodbyes but today I have not been too sure. I have also heard that his ex-wife has been by his side non-stop manipulating him again and it has made me feel physically nauseous..Watching her control over him over the years destroyed our relationship and she is still turning him against the people who care about him the most, which is heart-breaking. It is however his choice to still want her in his life, despite the divorce.

I am mentally preparing myself to deal with the toxicity of it all again.

I feel that I have to go there for the bare minimum, which is to say goodbye, in case he dies. The people that have been supporting him have had enough..They want me to take over but I am not willing to do much this time round.. His self destruction is ongoing..

If he obviously dies, then I will have to go out there and stay longer to sort through stuff..

Life feels really shitty right now..and very unfair..

I am in desperate need of relief from this situation with my father..

Whether I will get that when he dies or not, isn’t very clear..

Either way, I have to go and face him one more time and say goodbye..

I love him and am so very sad that his life turned out this way, when it could have been so much better..

I just hope that he finally finds peace and everyone around him does too. ♥♥♥

 

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The shortest day and my father’s birthday

It’s been awhile since I have written a blog post or properly caught up on people’s posts, so I hope my regular readers are doing ok. Life has changed completely since our new puppy Daola became part of our family. Looking after a pup and getting through each working day with 2 shifts (morning and evening) has been very different to what it was before. A lot of adjustments have been made and I must admit the first 3 months have been tough. It’s been similar to looking after a baby, even though I don’t have kids. This is what most people have been telling me, anyway. Daola has needed constant entertaining, training and up to 8 trips outside for pee pees. Luckily now, things have started settling down a little. She doesn’t need as many toilet trips outside and her walks have been reduced to 4 a day, including her very brief toilet outing at 5:30 am before work.

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Daola 4 months old

 

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Daola 3 months old

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Daola 5 months old- Still enjoys lying on mine and hubby’s back

We have been very lucky to have chosen a pup that is affectionate, cuddly, playful, loyal and always extremely happy to see us, after brief times apart. As a previous cat person, I have completely fallen in love with being a dog mum for the first time. Its been lovely seeing her learn from us as quickly as she has and she seems to be quite intelligent as well. Stubborness and of course selective listening are quite common traits of Daschunds, so at times I have felt very frustrated.

In early December we had a brief holiday and we took Daola with us to Greece for 3 nights, as it had been 10 months since I had last flown home. The last time we were in Athens, we had to empty the flat that we had used for almost 5 years. This was an important decision as it still connected me to my father, which I was already estranged from.

Luckily, our trip to Greece in December wasn’t as challenging as we were worried it would be. We booked a quiet pet friendly hotel in a nice quiet area and Daola luckily slept a lot and was generally very good during the flights. Although the journey was around 7 hours in total, including trains, taxis etc..she did great for a 5 month old pup.

Staying in the hotel we chose, actually had a lot of pros if I were to compare it to the flat we had been staying in over the last years. We had breakfast made for us, we had very good WIFI (which we never had in the flat), there were no cockroaches or outdated toilet drainage systems and I didn’t need to clean anything, as I did upon arrival every previous time. The only cons of going to Greece now is that I no longer have a home there and I no longer have a father or half brother I am able to visit. Due to the toxicity of my father’s way of life, it is just impossible. This always makes me sad understandably and as it is my father’s birthday today, I am feeling even more vulnerable.

My brother unfortunately always tells me about the fact that he is sending my father his birthday gift. He also still talks about him in such an innocent manner. He just doesn’t have the capacity to understand the complexity of why it is too painful for me to talk about him. He also hasn’t seen my father act narcissistically or maybe is just not able to accept that both his parents are narcissistic. I have allowed my brother to continue living in his little bubble of my father being the non narcissist but once again I feel like I have to swallow my frustration and true feelings due my brother’s special needs.

As so many of you know, I always feel very lonely at this time of year, when I realise how much I have lost. I still miss my Dad and always seem to drift into imaginary fantasies of what it could have been like if he had made healthy choices. I imagine how it could have been if he had chosen a healthy wife and had a healthy lifestyle. How we would all spend Christmas together and I would teach my half brother all sorts of important things. There was once a time, where my brother, my half brother, my Dad, his wife and I would all spend Christmas together. Although it never felt comfortable, it still meant that we had our Dad in our life. Now that is no longer the case. He is too sick to think of us affectionately. He is too addicted to his wife and current life situation. We don’t matter anymore. We used to matter much more to him, when we were still a family and he was still married to our mum.

On a more positive note, I just wanted to write that despite the underlying sadness I feel on my Dad’s birthday today and generally this time of year, I am so incredibly grateful to have my hubby to cuddle up to and to have Daola in our life for our first Christmas together. We may not have our parents or other family but we do have a lot of love in our own home. I never want to take what I have for granted, as I know how tough life has been at other points in my life. I value each and every moment of relaxation, calmness and joy.

So for all of you out there who are also struggling with grief at this time of year just remember to notice the beauty that surrounds you. Remember to notice the little things that may otherwise go unnoticed. Remember to value those passing moments of love and joy and capture them in a blog, in a poem or in a photograph. Capturing these happy moments in my life is so important for my mental health. We all need something to hold onto when things get tough.

Today, I will hold onto to some of these happy memories.Photographs have always been my most treasured possession so I will always dig them out and remember.

Christmas 2006

My father, brother and my father’s wife in 2006..Although I disliked her, spending Christmas together was important.

 

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All 3 of us siblings together- 2007

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Glyfada/Greece-Summer 2010 Dad and half brother

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Fishing with my half brother- summer 2010 Glyfada, Greece

 

Love Athina ♥♥

 

When self-doubt creeps in..

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The above reality, written by the amazing Tina Fuller, is something I feel often when things are stable and my life is drama free. Being the child of two narcissists, it is almost impossible to have long lasting peace when they are still alive. And even when they pass away, you still have to be prepared for even more stress in regards to property, money and their remaining family.

After already feeling miserable the last couple of days after waking up with an incredibly painful and stiff lower back, I got a text yesterday from my father which was extremely difficult to understand..

It was written in Greek with capital letters however more than half the letters were missing from each word. I ended up playing a guessing game trying to construct sentences..

Generally, since I asked him not to contact me again back, I should have completely ignored the message. However, because I could make out from the first sentence, something about tax and money, I knew he had done what I was afraid of.

Before I get to that, I have to explain a little about how certain things work in Greece in regards to putting property in a family member’s name.

In Greece, when a parent wants to put property in their child’s name, they usually follow a very odd but very commiting process. Both the adult child and parent sign a document which states that the adult child becomes the owner of the property, however the child isn’t able to make use of the property (live in it, rent it out etc) until the parent dies. Whilst the parent is still living, he/she is the one that can rent out the property and benefit from it. This can be felt as a little unfair for the adult child, as they aren’t able to do anything at all until the parent dies. Then again, they will still own a home in the end, so overall it is worth it.

In the last couple of years, Greece has introduced a new law which says that all property owners have to pay tax on the home that they own. This tax is based on the size of the property in square meters, the year it was built and the type of property. This tax has to be paid once a year and in the case of my property, which has been used and rented out by my father, he has been the one that has been responsible for paying this tax every year. This was only fair, as he has been earning 600euro every month from it and I haven’t benefited at all.

From my father’s text, it was clear that he no longer wants to pay my share of the tax and that I now have to be responsible for it. The only thing I could make out clearly from his text was that I have to pay 500 euro for the property. He then proceeded to guilt-trip me about how much I hurt him, even though he has never turned against me. Luckily, I was able to block this part out emotionally. I currently feel numb to it and I hope it stays this way.

At the moment, I am left wondering whether this will be the only contact I have from him. I am really hoping that it is and that despite delivering this not so nice message to me about the property tax, that he will continue to respect my wishes of ‘no contact’.

With both my parents as narcissists, I guess I will never fully be at peace until they are gone. As long as they are alive, I have to expect some drama.

If the worst thing that ever happens again with my father, is this tax I have to pay once a year, then it is only a small price to pay for owning a house he designed and built. Although my feelings about this home are very mixed at present, a small part of me will most likely cherish this home one day, when my father is no longer alive. Despite the fact that he turned out to be a very sick person, he was still a very giving & present father until I was 13-14 years old. Those memories will always be mine and I hope that one day, I will be able to look back on my relationship with my father and feel less hurt & less sorrow.

It’s over..

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…and so the final healing begins..

I just sent the last ever letter to my father, the last attempt to make contact…the last time I will ever spend time bargaining and fantasizing in my mind about how to say the perfect words, in hope that he will finally ‘get it’!

The difference this time is that I know he won’t get my words and there is no more hope left.

I also suspect that he won’t understand that this is the end of our relationship and he most likely won’t respect it! He doesn’t understand boundaries or healthy discussion, so it might take him awhile to fully realise what has happened if at all..

Below is what I wrote..

I wrote it mostly for myself, so I could get it off my chest, so I could feel good about my last words to my father..so I could feel empowered..

I received your letter and unfortunately I see that nothing has changed.

You didn’t take the things I wrote to you seriously.

My concerns were of no interest to you whatsoever.

My feelings once again didn’t matter.

The worst of all, is that you once again used emotional blackmail against me to get me to do what you want.

I don’t deserve to be treated this way!

I have been nothing but supportive to you over the years and you obviously don’t appreciate me!

The only thing that you are right about, is the fact that I am cutting off all contact with you from now on.

You aren’t who I thought you were. I no longer have the words to express how saddened I am.

Please don’t contact me again from now on!

Your personal life choices and those choices alone are responsible for the current state you are in.

Love just isn’t enough sometimes.

Take care

A.

I don’t feel any different yet..I don’t feel relief..I don’t feel free..I am hoping this will come with time..I am anxious and feeling guilty, which are the side effects of breaking free from a narcissistically abusive parent.

The side effects are similar to those of breaking free from a cult. When you have had constant programming from an extremely young age, it is very hard to remove those words from your mind.The hardest thing for me personally, is the false guilt & toxic shame that narcissists so nastily manipulate into your conscience.

General symptoms of withdrawal from a cult include confusion, depression, disorientation, insomnia, amnesia, guilt, fear, floating in and out of altered states, suicidal tendencies and emotional outbursts. Going ‘No contact’ with an abusive individual has similar effects. I am currently experiencing nausea, depression, false guilt, anxiety & fear. With time I know the intensity of these feelings will pass..

Hopefully now I really have the time and space to heal..It might be that I still get letters in the post or phonecalls, but as long as my phone is on flight mode and I return the letters unopened, he can’t hurt me anymore..

I am hoping that he doesn’t involve lawyers again..Even if he does however, I am in a different country, so I am relatively safe..

I’d like to finish this post with the words of my therapist…

You are the one sitting in the director’s chair of your life. You get to decide who plays a part in your movie and who doesn’t 🙂

Thanks once again for reading!

Hopefully  I can continue my day as productively as possible now.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love Athina ♥

The end of a chapter

After 1 busy holiday in Greece I have finally said farewell to the temporary flat hubby and I used there for the last 5 years.

The story of this little flat was a complex one but it was set up by my father as a neutral base for me because I could no longer live under his roof. When I moved back to Greece in 2011, I did it partly because my father said it would give him the strength to divorce his wife. I also did it as a new start for myself, after spending 11 years living in the UK with many failed relationships, heartache and confusion.I was growing closer with my Dad again and the hope that he would finally leave his dysfunctional marriage was really strong. Greece will always be my home, the place I was born and grew up in.

When I first moved back and stayed in the house he shared with his wife and my half brother, there was constant tension, arguing and toxicity. I had arrived to live in the ground floor of his maisonette, which was a separate flat in itself. It had its’ own shower-room, bedroom and a small kitchenette which was also accessible by the rest of the house. His wife was not happy I was back. She had done her best to isolate my father from me for years, to control him and to not allow him to have a relationship with me. My father had also chosen to marry this woman and had chosen to mistreat her, abuse her and cheat on her. Through guilt (apparently) he had then allowed her to bleed him dry by spending ridiculous amounts of money on antique furniture, 50,000 euro cars and the best of everything.Through guilt, he allowed her to control him in the end. Their lives were full of threats and lies and drama.

Where did I fit into all of this? Where did my older brother fit into all of this? And my younger half brother? He is yet another innocent child caught up in a severely dysfunctional home.

After this first week of me moving back home and battling with all the anxiety of moving countries, trying to sort out my bedroom after all my boxes had arrived and trying to deal with the unpleasantness of having my evil Step-mother living upstairs, I returned to England to pick up my cat. He was being looked after by a friend of mine, until all the boxes had been sent off. I was trying to make things as stress free as possible for him, so decided to fly back to Greece with him, after I had unpacked and set up my flat. The morning of my return, my father announced to me that I couldn’t come home. He told me that he had just announced to his wife that he wanted her out of the house with my half-brother… that he was getting a divorce. She had obviously gone absolutely crazy and reacted very badly to my father’s cruel discard. The way he had presented it, made me look really bad. Like it was my fault that he asked her to leave. She went absolutely crazy and smashed my things..What followed after that was a whole summer of arguing, threats and trauma.

Minutes after landing in Athens with my cat, I had to make alternative arrangements to stay somewhere else! My anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t go home to my new home. I was already extremely unsettled but now I also had my poor cat to think about, who was extremely nervous and confused. Luckily I called the mother of a friend of mine and she let me stay with her.She had let me stay with her once a year in the summer, when I visited my friends and Dad. It was a safe haven in all the chaos of my father’s life. She let me and my cat stay with her and her husband for 2 whole weeks, until I could actually go home (or so I thought).

What followed after these 2 weeks, was a temporary flat my father had found through a fellow architect friend of his. I still couldn’t go home. My cat and I had to go to this temporary flat which was completely empty and had nothing in it. My dad found some really old, filthy furniture from his office and brought it there for me. I at least had a bed, small uncomfortable sofa and a really old fridge that was filled with mould. He gave me a mini oven & hob and a fan to help me cope with the hot summer temperatures. I was on the top floor of a block of flats and it was like a sauna in that flat. The sofabed, was covered in dust, cat piss and cat hairs. It had collected all of this dirt from years and years of being unused in his office storage cellar. This was the best he could give me..

I remember asking for a hoover and never getting one.I only had a broom and dustpan. I remember asking my father to go to his house, so I could at least collect some of my things. This was very difficult to arrange, as his wife was always there and he didn’t want us to be anywhere near each other. I had to go there very quickly for 5 minutes at a time when she wasn’t there and collect as much stuff as I could to bring to the other flat. I also had to do the same whenever I needed to do my laundry. The whole situation was utterly ridiculous looking back on it. I felt like a criminal, like a bad person, when in actuality it was all my father’s fault.

The rest of the summer got worse and worse for me. He would visit me, unload all of his stress onto me and then my anxiety and ptsd would deteriorate. I was trying so hard to cope with it all. Eventually I was so ill, I had to see a therapist that my friend recommended for me. She looked after me, did a psychological assessment on me and got me into group therapy. She arranged for my Dad to come in so she could explain to him that I don’t need additional stress, as moving countries was already enough stress for me.I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I learned that I will just have to come to terms with the fact that I will always be overly sensitive to stress.

When the temperatures started reaching 37, 38 degrees Celsius, I couldn’t cope anymore. I desperately needed air-con to cope with the heat in that flat.One morning, the anxiety was so bad from the heat when I woke up, that I was vomiting, seeing spots of light and I literally thought I was going crazy. My friend’s mother saved the day once again!

I ended up staying in this flat for 5 months before I could finally return to my Dad’s. In that whole time my Dad was trying to get his wife and my half-brother re-settled into a very expensive apartment. I on the other hand, didn’t even complain for the state I was living in.

After I eventually moved back into my Dad’s house, I enjoyed 7 months of having my Dad to myself, for the first time in 12 years. We even spent Christmas together and when my little brother came home, I try to make it magical for him. The poor kid was so traumatised. He was only 7.

The only silver lining in all of this chaos and unsettlement was the time I spent with my Dad alone, and the fact that I met my now husband. When I met him, I was overwhelmed by his kindness and interest in me. He was so loyal and supportive to me and with the support of my group therapy, it all turned out well. After meeting my husband and realising that we couldn’t stay in Greece anymore due to the financial crisis that was present, I told my father and he was devastated. A week or two later, he told me that he realised that he had made a mistake kicking his wife out and couldn’t afford to pay for her flat anymore. The reality of it was that my Dad couldn’t deal with being on his own. So once again, I had to leave his home before I was ready. I finally moved into my last home in Greece which was this little flat seen in the photos below. This little flat was very well located luckily and my Dad arranged a deal with someone who owed him money, to ‘pretend’ that he was renting it from him for 10 years. He of course wouldn’t pay this guy any rent, but would still have to cover the maintenance costs and bills. I lived there for 3 months before finally leaving Greece when my husband found a job at a university in Cornwall.

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This little flat was a very important one. It was the flat that we always returned to when visiting friends & family. It was the flat that we got ready in for our wedding day and the flat that we slept in for the first time as a married couple.

It was the flat that I stayed in when my father attempted suicide, 7 months after our wedding. The memories were both happy and traumatic. After having no contact with my father for over a year, It didn’t feel the same anymore using this flat. It was in his name, yet he wasn’t paying the maintenance bills or utility bills. Going to Greece was no longer a happy occassion for me.

Last week, we emptied the flat. We sold the washing machine, air-con, cooker, microwave and everything else of sentimental value, we brought home. We left the furniture for my Dad to sort out and tomorrow I will be posting my father a letter to tell him we have vacated the flat and no longer need it, or want to pay for it. A friend of mine will also be dropping off the key at his office and that will be the end of this chapter in our life.

Hubby and I are now free to have holidays on more neutral ground and even though I no longer have a ‘home’ in Greece which has caused me a lot of grief, I have come to the realisation that ever since my parents split up back in 2000, I already didn’t have a ‘home’. This was just the end of another chapter in my life..

Thanks for reading ♥

The black hole..

I am struggling today..

My father made contact again..I am right on the edge of replying to my father’s messages..phonecalls..just to make them stop! ..I know that won’t happen though…

I don’t want to be sucked into the black hole again..People with NPD do that..They are very good at sucking you back in…Whether it is soppy messages, guilt-trips, the silent treatment etc….I can’t forget this..

My father has NPD and doesn’t see the world the same way I do..

His voicemails were full of complaints..

First voicemail:

”Not even a call for Happy New Year? One day when you have children of your own, you will know that the love of a parent for their child never goes away, no matter what”..

Second voicemail:

”You can see that it is me calling you and yet you continue to ignore my calls. All I wanted was for you to be happy.Wishing you all the best. That’s it from me”

Third call and no voicemail..

His voicemails sound like a cry for attention..His voicemails make ME sound like the heartless daughter who will not respond…

This isn’t so however..

He gave me the silent treatment for nearly a year..and then suddenly decided to make contact again…He ignored my attempts to make contact and he ignored me when I stood in front of him, which hurt like hell..

He is the one who attempted suicide as a way of controlling his wife…He is the one who always chose his NPD wife over his own daughter for the last 12 years…He is the one that didn’t want to make changes in his behaviour and is aware he is treating people badly.He is the one that hired a lawyer against me to return his money..that threatened to kill himself again because I wasn’t doing what he wanted..that hurt me over and over and over again..that abandoned me over and over again..

So why the hell do I feel like a heartless daughter because I wont pick up the phone??!

The biggest difference between the two of us is that he lacks empathy and I don’t ..

I feel absolutely everything & it is exhausting..I feel his pain, I feel his desperation but I know I must continue to keep my distance..

I never explicitly told him that I don’t want any contact anymore, because it was too destructive for my mental health to get back into a conversation with him..

Since he won’t stop making attempts to get back in touch with me, I am starting to realise that he just isn’t getting the message.

I have decided to write him a letter..In this letter I will tell him what my terms are in regards to having contact, if at all..

In this way I don’t have to ‘talk to him’, as talking to him means more drama, more guilt tripping, etc…Every time he calls and leaves a message it unsettles me greatly..

I love him despite everything..I just can’t help that..

It has been an emotional evening and an unsettling start to this week..

On the bright side, I woke up to a snowy Germany today..♥

Love to you all ♥

Athina

Parentless at Christmas

Christmas time isn’t always as cheerful as it is meant to be..It isn’t what you see on tv or in films..It isn’t all happy, with big families, presents and lots of love..It has most definetely not been this way for me..

Christmas is a tumultuous time for those of us with trauma & loss..It is a deeply disappointing time for those of us who are parentless..

This empty hole inside me has resurfaced with even more of a vengeance..

All the depressing thoughts that say ‘I am bad, I am not enough, I am guilty’ are whispering in my ear..How can any child not feel emotional pain when their own parent is not able to love them unconditionally?!

I am missing my Dad at the moment..The Dad I thought I had & hoped I had all these years, until reality really hit me hard last year when he turned against me..

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Nothing can ever replace the loss of healthy parents…The bereavement of this sort of loss can last a lifetime because you ‘never really knew what healthy parenting is supposed to feel like’..

This is how I am feeling at the moment..There is a rawness and disappointment..A deep desire to be held by a mother or father who loves you deeply and unconditionally..who accepts you..who wants the best for you..who loves spending time with you..who is able to guide you and comfort you…I still dream about this feeling..

I have seen it in other peoples’ parents and have an idea of what it is supposed to feel like but I just can’t quite hold this feeling in…..because it will never be mine….

I will only have ‘surrogate parents’ out there, who are other older friends who have shown more sensitivity and love than my own parents ever did..and that is still not enough..

To all of my parentless friends and fellow bloggers who are struggling with grief this Christmas,

I hear you and feel for you. It is tough to feel such emptiness..It is tough to have grown up with trauma & emotional neglect…

All I can say is….. hold onto the people that you do have in your life right now and be grateful for the smallest things..for these things help to keep you going..♥

What it feels like..

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It is important to let go of the need to try and fix or help your npd/psychopathic parent.

They are not able to change..

They will take you down with them..

They will exhaust you until you have nothing left for yourself..

Always practice self-care and keep minimum or no contact if possible.

Love Athina ♥

Please don’t use this post as your own. Always re-blog and ask for permission if you want to use any of my images.

INFJ-Personality type!

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After sorting through all my paperwork from years and years ago, I came across a personality test I had done when I was 18. It was done by a lovely lady who was trying to help me find out what I wanted to study, after leaving school.

I will not include that exact paper on here, as it was unfortunately done in Greek but I have just re-done the personality test online and I invite all my readers to do one too 🙂 Luckily, I got the same result as when I was 18 which shows the stability of one’s personality.advocate-personality-infj-a-t-16personalities

These are my results:

General personality description for the INFJ:

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

Strengths & weaknesses

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-strengths-and-weaknesses

Relationships

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-relationships-dating

Friends

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-friends

Parenthood

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-parents

Career path

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-careers

Workplace habits

https://www.16personalities.com/infjs-at-work

Conclusion

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-conclusion

I would like to invite all my readers to do a personality test by clicking on this link too.I think this is a great way to get to know other bloggers on a more personal level 🙂

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

So what do you say?

If you do decide to take part, please refer people back to this blog 🙂

Thank you ♥

Any other INJF’S or Diplomats out there?

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by My Child Within-Healing from trauma and Courage Coaching (my work blog). Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Loving parents-Unknown territory..

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Today I was thinking about how lucky people are, who are part of a loving and close family..

The type of family you can turn to when something goes terribly wrong. The type of family you know will feel your pain and will offer to help you even if you don’t ask..The type of family that would always put a roof over your head, even if they didn’t have the space or money.

When I am not keeping myself busy, there are these moments of calm where I sit back and imagine how my life could have been if I was lucky enough to have such a family.

As Christmas quickly approaches, my heart aches once again with this deep feeling of sadness.I’ve had this feeling since I was a child.

I know my parents couldn’t have done more due to their NPD, however that doesn’t change that deep longing for comfort in the arms of a loving parent.

My husband unfortunately also shares this feeling with me, although not in exactly the same way. He luckily had a mentally healthy mother who managed to bring him up with integrity, unconditional love and by always putting his needs first. She unfortunately suffered with an autoimmune disease however and was physically suffering when my husband was only a child. His father was not a part of his life so he also never felt this feeling of safety & security. He had to leave home when he was only 12, so his mother’s illness didn’t affect him more than it already had.This was to prevent codependency, which could have been detrimental in his life otherwise. He went to school abroad and lived with 2 separate host families, who sadly weren’t very comforting. He then moved abroad again to live with his half sister, her Dad and his partner in Greece. He managed to finish school there and create some wonderful memories with friends, however nothing seemed to fill that void of ‘missing out’. His mother died when he was in his early twenties and he didn’t have a choice but to just accept it.

Now we are both in our 30’s and we can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to have family like this to turn to. Even as a mentally stable adult, people still need their parents. For those of us however who missed out on a nurturing and stable family home, this is all the more challenging. My own mother tells me how she doesn’t know how she would cope if her mother died. My grandmother is 92 and my mother is 63. This feels incredibly unfair to me..How the hell am I supposed to feel, when I am only 34 and my mother has never even felt like a mother?! She is still a child in so many ways and I had to grow up fast from a very young age. I was also the scapegoat in my family with my brother being the golden child. He was the one with the disability and his needs did and will always come first.

As much love as my husband and I share (which I am incredibly grateful for) this doesn’t make up for the lack of belonging we both feel. It is an emptiness that unfortunately doesn’t go away and all we can do is create a family of our own. We have both decided we don’t want to have children, as we feel a deep sadness about the direction the world is headed in. If we don’t feel safe in it as adults, how the hell are we supposed to protect our children?

We will be hopefully getting a dog next year which we are both extremely happy about and we have agreed that if I ever feel the need in the future to look after and care for a child, then we could consider fostering. I have looked after children for over 8 years and still currently caring for a 4 year old here in Germany who only has his mum. This poor kid is already showing signs of abandonment issues due to his father’s lack of interest in him and he is a wonderful little boy with a brilliant, hard working mum. It gives me immense happiness to care for those in need and I will continue to do so, even without children of my own.

I will leave you with this cute photo of the dog breed we will be getting next year 🙂 Hopefully we can find a rescue dog, as that is always the best thing to do.

Thanks for reading x

Love Athina ♥

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