Intensive language courses can be exhausting

Dear friends and fellow bloggers,

I apologise for being away from the blogging world recently. I am struggling to keep up with my new routine at the moment, so my YouTube videos on my channel have had priority, as well as the important decision to finally start German lessons.

Yes, I finally gave in!! I have signed up to an intensive 7 week course!

Hubby and I were discussing our future in Germany a few weeks ago and I was talking about whether moving back to the UK would be a good idea or not after all.

I still want to do my Art Therapy MA in the future, which I will now have to re-apply for, (as I have lost my unconditional offer after 2,5 years of not starting) however our life here in Germany has been good due to my husband’s job. It has provided security, health insurance & a cosy home. Germany has been extremely kind to me over the last 2,5 years.

Looking back on that time, I have come to realise that I needed these years away from full time work, in order to fully grieve the loss of my parents and in order to continue my healing journey. Grieving the loss of the healthy parents I never had was extremely painful, time consuming but absolutely necessary..Germany gave me that time..My husband’s work gave me that time..

In these 2,5 years I have:

1.grieved extensively

2.dealt with 1 last family drama when my father attempted suicide

3.gone no contact with my father

4.married my husband

5.started the gym

6.studied Cognitive Behavioural Coaching & completed my qualification as seen below 🙂

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7. continued my healing in therapy & achieved a new sense of freedom from this healing

8.grown in confidence

9.met some amazing bloggers which I am lucky enough to also call friends.

10.had EMDR therapy to minimise my emotional flashbacks & nightmares

11.learnt how to make homemade bread, homemade pizza & other vegetarian dishes for my hubby

12.learnt new creative hobbies

13.started blogging & vlogging

and finally 14. started learning German

Now it may seem VERY strange that learning German is the last thing on my list but there were many reasons for this. Firstly, it isn’t a language I particularly like and secondly it is a difficult language to learn.

The main reason for not learning straight away however, is because I was originally only going to stay in Germany for 6 months, whilst hubby settled in to his new job. I was then going to head back to Sheffield to start my Art Therapy MA.

When we realised that this would be a little too costly, whilst we were also preparing to get married, I then ended up defering my course and just stayed on in Germany for the full year. After I got married, I was thrown in the deep end in regards to family dramas with my parents, so ended up spending the next year grieving and suffering greatly with my CPTSD & depression. It’s incredible how big a part mental illness can take up in your life sometimes!

Germany has been very kind to me and for this I am grateful…My husband’s insurance covered all my therapy sessions over the last 2 years, which would have otherwise been very expensive or almost non existent if I was in the UK. I have taken baby steps in achieving goals I never thought I could achieve and I am currently in a very good place in regards to my mental health. Although I am still on anti-depressants and fortnightly therapy, I am feeling more at peace with myself as a person and have developed a new sense of self-compassion and confidence I never had before.

My decision to FINALLY start German lessons was because of the discussion of leaving Germany or staying. I thought that the only way to truly know if I could stay in Germany more long term, would be to give the language a try and hopefully get a part-time job.Having a part-time job would enable me to save money for a pension when I am old and wrinkly. At the moment I am not able to do this on a few hours of coaching with my new business.

I promised myself that I would give learning Germany my best try and if after completing the course I still didn’t feel confident in getting a job, then we would move back to the UK and start over.

These 2,5 years have been the longest time hubby and I have lived in one place without moving. Since we met almost 5 years ago, we have lived in many different towns and places. Now that we are nearly in our mid 30’s we would like to settle somewhere for longer and get a dog.

At the moment, Germany and specifically Bonn still feels like home.

I have completed 4 days of my intensive German course and I must admit it is incredibly tiring as there is so much to learn in a short space of time. Unfortunately with my CPTSD, I have problems with my memory so I have to repeat stuff over and over again until I can properly learn it..Although I attend classes every day for 4 hours, I still have to spend 3 hours just doing the homework at the end of each day.Today I have given myself the afternoon off to blog and just relax!

I am so glad it is Friday 🙂

So once again, I am sorry if I have been a bit distant dear friends..This will continue for the next 7 weeks but I will try and catch up each weekend with writing, as well as reading your posts!

Love Athina ♥

The orphans of abuse

It took me such a long time through my journey of healing, to realise that I was always an orphan growing up..Yes, I had parents..Yes I was fed and clothed and had a roof over my head..Yes I went on holidays from the age of 3 until I was 16 with my family..Yes I had an education..It is more than most ‘genuine orphans’ had..Those who didn’t have their own home and were abandoned by their parents or lost their parents to death..who didn’t have their basic needs met due to poverty & illness..who were neglected severely..who changed foster homes time and time again..

I don’t claim to compare myself to those children and adult children..

When I talk about orphans of abuse, I mean the orphans who never felt loved by their parents..Who never felt supported or safe in their home..Who were never able to be true to themselves..Who were never able to grow up with confidence and inner stability..Who were never able to express their thoughts or feelings, due to fear of punishment or being ignored..

I talk about the emotional orphan..I am an emotional orphan..

This blog post is dedicated to all you emotional orphans out there, who never felt loved, who still feel that you can’t trust others or be loved..who still struggle with mental health problems..who never got the chance to choose your parents..who never had the opportunity to live without trauma..

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With the appropriate healing & support, you can find that love within yourself..Self-compassion is key to filling that emptiness..Grieving the lack of emotional comfort & love, is also crucial to healing..

Intolerance to vulnerability shows you that there are so many emotionally insensitive or incapable people out there, that refuse to talk about difficult emotions..

This isn’t healthy..It is dysfunctional..

Prevent emotional orphanhood…

Love Athina ♥♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by My child within-Healing from trauma and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Progress in healing. Don’t allow your abusers to steal your inner light!

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Hi everyone,

I am back from my holiday in Greece which was extremely hot and I must admit a lot of the time was spent indoors trying to keep cool during the day. My pale skin was always protected with factor 50 sun lotion when we were out and I only went to the beach once. I am not very Greek at all in regards to sun bathing anymore, as I am very conscious of the possibility of skin cancer, after having been burnt a lot as a teenager. I was also ill with a cold and achey body for the first 4 days of my holiday, so was a little grumpy!

Apart from that, it was lovely to see my husband’s family as always, as they are always so welcoming and generous. I managed to see a couple of friends too, but due to the fact that we didn’t have a car, we missed out on a lot of things we could have done. We always used to borrow my father’s business van when we would visit but now that we are estranged, this isn’t a possibility anymore.

The first 2 days we were there, I was thinking a lot about my father, especially due to the recent phonecalls he made to me but just as I have in the last year, I stayed strong and didn’t make any contact.

On the last day of our trip, I was also a little emotional thinking about him as I knew that it would be at least a year until we would next visit Greece. There is always the possibility of him dying and since I haven’t experienced death in close family yet, I don’t know how to feel about it. A lot of the time, I know that my parents’ death would bring me relief on some level, due to the drama and abuse I have endured most of my life. On the other hand, there is still unconditional love there and there would definetely be a certain amount of grief. The fact that I already feel like an orphan however means that whatever happens, I know that I will be ok.

I am shining my inner light & love, as I continue on this journey of life and no matter how many moments of darkness sometimes creep in, I have faith and acceptance in what will come in the future.

I also know that there are so many of you survivors out there, who are also shining your own light & love, by sharing your story and healing those wounds. You are connecting with so many other survivors of abuse and there is a huge support network of people who are cheering each other on!

Much love Athina ♥

”Being the other one” by Kate Strohm

May I just start this post off by saying that this is a title of an incredible book that made me cry when I first read it.

The full title is Being the other one – Growing up with a brother or sister who has special needs by Kate Strohm

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The reason this book touched me so deeply when I first read it, was because it was the first time I had felt validated for being the sister of a special needs brother. That someone out there finally acknowledged that I mattered too even though I wasn’t the one with special needs growing up.That even though I wasn’t the one that demanded as much attention as my brother, I deserved to at least have my frustration, my anger and my sadness acknowledged. This is something I never had validated as a child. It was near my 30th birthday that I finally understood a whole other side of my childhood that also lead to my CPTSD diagnosis.

Too much responsibility on a child can interfere with normal social development and the establishment of independence. From a very young age, I became a ‘mini mother’ to my brother and my mum and dad just allowed this, as it was easier for them. This and the addition of both of them suffering with NPD, made things extremely difficult for me and of course my brother. It was an abusive & neglectful environment and I was told repeatedly by many kids my age that I was always too serious growing up.I always resented that and thought there was something wrong with me. On the other hand however, I also realised how much the grief of having a disabled child or sibling, is unsupported and unknown by normal families.

Siblings of children with special needs are usually expected to grow up faster than their peers.While parents have to focus so much attention on the child with special needs, many siblings learn to look after themselves.

Another big problem for siblings is that they end up feeling very isolated, because nobody understands how tough it is, to always put their needs aside for their special needs brother or sister.They also tend to feel a range of emotions that they never get a chance to discuss, such as anger, depression, embarassment, fear & guilt.

Siblings miss out on attention from parents, learn to put the needs of others first before their own and at times they may also wish they had special needs so they would have the same attention from their parents. They may at times feel pressure to be perfect to make up for their sibling’s special needs and also may have built up resentment towards the brother/sister with special needs, because they get treated with more leniency in all regards.

I love my older brother very much and would do anything to protect him. It isn’t his fault that he has these special needs and even though I will always wonder what it would have been like to have a ‘normal’ 36 year old brother now, I am still glad he is in my life and that we can share our feelings and fears.

The sad reality for me is that if my parents were healthier and better able to offer unconditional love, then both my brother and I would have been allowed to be ‘our true selves’. We both would have been allowed to make mistakes and not get punished for them, we both would have been allowed to express our likes and dislikes without being rejected and we both would have been able to better deal with our sadness. Him for the fact that he knew he wasn’t normal and felt rejected because of this and me for the fact that I never felt important enough, because I didn’t have any special needs. It is a sad reality that, even though our family was never balanced due to my brother’s special needs, I greatly believe that it was MORE my parents’ NPD that caused the greatest harm. The reason I say this is because since meeting my husband and his family, I have finally witnessed a healthier family dynamic where there was is one disabled child and one healthy child.These 2 boys are now my nephews but when I was living in Greece I started nannying for my now sister in law and looked after the youngest of the 2 boys.

For privacy purposes, lets assume that the youngest of the 2 boys is called ‘Peter’ and the eldest is called ‘Adam’. Peter was the youngest of the two boys and was around 8 years old when I started looking after him whereas Adam was 12. Peter unfortunately suffered a stroke at the tender age of 3 and ended up with special needs and semi-paralysis in both his right arm and leg. This meant that he wouldn’t be able to use his right arm and leg as he once used to. Also the older he got, the growth in his right arm & leg were also compromised, which resulted in him limping and not being able to use his right arm properly. His special needs aside from this, were also in regards to his learning and attention span. I was employed as a nanny, to play with him and help him after school, whilst his mother worked. I was also asked to make sure that both boys didn’t get into too many arguments or aggressive play fighting as brothers sometimes do.

The difference I noticed in this family, was the fact that both boys were allowed to be individuals and most importantly were allowed to be kids. Neither of them had to help around the house, be ordered around or asked to do too much for the mother. Peter and his brother were both treated fairly when it came to discipline and Adam was allowed to have a sense of freedom in his own life to pursue many hobbies, have time to himself and grow in confidence. He was never asked to help with his brother, he was never asked to stop what he loved doing, was never asked to be someone he was not. The only thing I would have maybe done differently as a parent,  is given Peter a different type of attention, as unfortunately despite his disabilities and unlucky path in life, I can see that he acts in a very attention seeking way, in an almost narcissistic way. His mother never appropriately grieved the loss of her healthy child and has since always talked about how good he is at everything, when the reality is that this poor kid is unable to really do anything.

I am not a parent myself and would never claim to know what it is really like, so I am not judging my sister in law in any way. However, it is a real shame that Peter, who is now 12 is showing more and more signs of narcissism, is feeling more and more ill at ease with his peers and is watching his now 17 year older brother do all the things he will never be able to do. This is a very harsh thing to watch. I have a lot of compassion for both my sister in law and Peter but I must admit, I feel a little jealous of how wonderfully Adam has turned out to be. He is a good looking, smart and talented young man who has values, respect and kindness. He is able to self reflect and one day admitted to me that he is quick to judge people. This came after I talked to him a little bit about my parents and my estrangement to my father. He listened incredibly attentively and was very sensitive in his response. He said that there are a couple of kids at school, which seem very quiet and a little bit strange and at the beginning he thought they were weird. After he got to know them however, he said that they had had a really difficult childhood and were actually lovely boys. When I say that I am a tiny bit jealous of my 17 year old nephew, I mean it in the kindest way possible. The jealousy comes from comparing my own childhood and teenage years, which were incredibly difficult due to neglect I suffered. Unlike my nephew, I didn’t and still don’t have a healthy amount of confidence to live a fulfilling life in the way that I know I could have. I am content but I know I could still make improvements. I also have suffered from depression and Complex PTSD from the age of 15-16..My nephew doesn’t have any mental health problems whatsoever and thank goodness for that! So when I say I am jealous, I still have my moments of feeling grief for how things could have been different for me.

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to grieve my lost childhood in many ways. This only happened in the last few years, in a deep enough way and I guess I still have some more grieving to do..It is never too late to start your life from scratch and with my recovery, self-help reading, therapy, blogging & love from my closest friends & husband, I am feeling much happier and more content with my life.

My brother is also happier, as he has also tried to distance himself from our mother (which he knows was abusive) and it is only our parents who are now missing out on quality time with us, as we will no longer tolerate their abuse.

No matter what others say, be true to yourself

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Whenever I have doubts or feel guilty about the way I am currently protecting myself, I remind myself that my health comes first. Whenever I have a moment of happiness and peace with my husband, I remind myself how lucky I am to have found this wonderful man. I am feeling secure and loved for the first time in my life. I also feel like I am finally giving myself enough love and protection. I don’t rely on my parents approval anymore.I don’t need anybody’s approval anymore to be who I am. I have become more self-accepting and more self-compassionate. It hasn’t been an easy road to get here..It has been constant change, commitment, therapy, anxiety & gut wrenching emotional pain..

The reason I am writing this post, is because my father attempted to contact me again from a private number. My heart tells me it was him, as I don’t have anyone else that calls my phone apart from my husband and a friend. Why would someone call me from a private number, if they didn’t want to hide their identity?

I didn’t reply to his first message because I am wary of being sucked into his self-destructive world again. I know that the reason he is contacting me is because he needs me. However, my inner voice is telling me, but ‘You need you Athina”. I need myself more than I need my father anymore. I have been abandoned too many times, hurt too many times to just pick up the phone and talk to him..

I keep reminding myself to stay true to myself, to remember that protecting myself comes first and that even if he is my father, he is a very sick man. My last message to him was one of love before we stopped talking and he ignored it completely. My conscience is clean. I did everything I could. I gave him my unconditional love.

I just called my mother to find out if maybe she spoke to him at all regarding my brother, and I found out (in a sideways sort of manner) that yes, they did speak and that he is back where he was a year ago, with his wife trying to divorce him again. He is moving back down to the basement again, where his deterioration took place last time and he later attempted suicide. The only difference this time is that he is on anti-depressants and he no longer has the support of his friends and family. He pushed everyone away.

As his daughter, my heart will always ache for him. I will wish it were different.

I don’t have the strength anymore to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.Even if he has finally realised that the inevitable is finally going to happen and that I was the one person who stood by him all these years, it is too late.

I love myself more now. I deserve to love myself more now without feeling guilty.

”I am cherishing the freedom to be myself” after 34 years.

Love Athina ❤

 

If only..

 

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If only I could turn back time

to when things used to be just fine

I lost you when

despair took place

and then became

your losing face

I fought a wall

I could not break

Control and power

became your fate

Despite the present

My love won’t bend

You are my Dad

until the end.

 

 

 

 

Birthday & Father’s day! A double whammy!

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Tomorrow is my 34th birthday and I feel a lot older than I am in regards to how my CPTSD affects me..Always tired, always on edge..The older I have become, the less I want to do..I don’t feel like celebrating much.This year is especially difficult as I know I won’t hear from my Dad..I have already been struggling a fair bit over the last 2 weeks, anticipating this day..I wish it was more of a celebration..

Last year on my birthday, I took money from a shared bank account that I had with my father..This was an account he set up, in case something happened to him and I needed access..After his suicide attempt, I took money from it out of sheer worry and panic, that I would have to bail him out of yet another attempted suicide, or his wife divorcing him or whatever other drama..I took the money to protect my father and to protect myself and my brother’s future..

On my birthday last year, I was abused and insulted and spoken to like I was the worst person in the world! My phone was ringing constantly all day long, as my father was asking for his money back. Last year, I was on edge the whole day..I couldn’t even relax with a glass of wine in the evening…No matter how many times I told him that I am trying to protect him and myself, he was having none of it. Narcissists think they know best..They want to be in control, no matter what..Especially with their money! My father always showed love with money..he didn’t know how to say ‘I love you’ because he didn’t feel love..

His money was always more valuable to him than I was..He hid it well and never shared it with anybody..He showed that by discarding me last year, after everything I did for him before and after his suicide attempt..

Tomorrow will be a tough day..and Father’s day on Sunday is just another slap in the face…

All I ever did was support him & love him over the years..He forgot my birthday twice over the years..The last time he forgot it, he remembered to go the bank and deposit a huge sum of money in his savings..on my actual birthday! The date obviously meant nothing to him…Yes he was depressed..Yes he wasn’t coping..and I forgave him..I forgave him all the other times he hurt me over the years with the guilt-tripping, the shaming, the insulting, the lying..

Now I am just grieving a father who is still alive, a father who can’t be a father, a father who is completely and utterly controlled by his gold-digging wife..a father whom I love.. Nothing will never be able to fill this emptiness he has left behind..

My husband hugs me when I cry..That’s all he can do..

Sometimes we just have to get used to living with emotional pain..Emotional pain has been a huge part of my life anyway from a young age..Every single person who grieves a childhood that wasn’t healthy knows what this feels like..

I am sorry for every single one of you who feels this pain..This complicated grief..

I am sorry for myself..

At least out of all the darkness I found my light..I have someone to love me tomorrow..That means so much! ❤

Thanks for reading ❤

Love Athina

I have so much compassion to those of you with complex trauma

I watched a documentary last night about a lady who lives with dissociative identity disorder and I must admit I found it fascinating, as well as deeply moving.

I have great compassion for anyone who has experienced complex trauma in their childhood, as I know how hard it is to overcome the complexity of  what you are left with. It affects people both mentally & physically and can hinder the ability to live a healthy and productive life.

There are so many people suffering with a mental illness due to childhood trauma and it really is incredibly unfair. It is such a shame that some people are strong enough to heal from trauma and can do this without causing harm to others, whilst others don’t heal and inflict more pain. This results in generations of family members suffering from trauma & abuse and so the vicious cycle continuous.

The brain is incredible in finding ways to cope with severe trauma, and one of these ways is to dissociate. As someone who has complex trauma, I only have experienced minor dissociations with the following symptoms:

  • Feeling disconnected from myself

  • Problems with handling intense feelings and thoughts

  • Sudden and unexpected shifts in mood – for example, feeling very sad for no reason

  • Depression or anxiety problems, or both

  • Feeling as though the world is distorted or not real (called ‘derealisation’)

I also tend to have problems with my memory and cognitive function.

For those of you with Dissociative Identity disorder, I feel compelled to say that I think your brain is amazing! I don’t of course think it is amazing that you have this disorder, as it makes me deeply sad to think of the abuse that you must have endured.I just think it is incredible how the brain creates a defense mechanism to protect us from overwhelming distress. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a good example of what the brain can do to protect us.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, is characterised by the appearance of at least two or more distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately show in a person’s behavior, accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

No matter what your mental disorder, I have great compassion for all the suffering that goes with it. However, I don’t have compassion for those who are bullies and  cause suffering.

Each individual journey of healing is unique and yes, sometimes as fallible humans, we tend to make mistakes and hurt people along the way. The most important thing however, is that we are aware of this and can grow from it.

As it is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder awareness month, I would like to also mention that Complex Post Traumatic stress is very real as well and the more people that are aware of it, the less the stigma for those that suffer from it.

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Much Love ❤ Athina

 

Cognitive dissonance & emotional pain when going ‘no contact’ from a parent

Today’s post comes after a very emotional therapy session. We had to press the pause button on starting EMDR with the trauma of my father’s suicide attempt, as I have been crying so much over the last week. For the last 5 days I have been struggling with the unfairness of having a narcissistic father who isn’t able to be a part of my life anymore. A lot of good memories have been popping up in between the recent bad ones. Looking through old photo albums, I saw the Dad I used to be incredibly close to when I was a little girl. The Dad who used to tell me bed time stories with me as the main character. The dad who took me to the park, the dad who played ball with me and entertained me on holiday.The dad who took me fishing and did the best that he could.

I am missing the kinder, happier dad I saw glimpses of as a young child. I am missing all those small and precious moments a dad spends with his children.

Going no contact is tough! I said it before and I will say it again. You have to grieve as your parent has just died, but he hasn’t! You remember the good and the bad and all you can do is cry because there isn’t any resolution.There isn’t any quick fix to the end of a relationship with a narcissistic parent.

It is especially tough when there was never a single apology or any ounce of understanding. The lack of love is the most painful part! The cognitive dissonance of ‘I know he loved me as he was my father and showed me in his own way’ to the reality of ‘no he didn’t genuinely love me, otherwise he wouldn’t have abandoned me’. These two beliefs contradict each other and are currently causing me so much pain.

As taken from the very useful website below, I am copying and pasting the following text as it has helped me immensely. It explains toxic bonding and cognitive dissonance extremely well.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Stockholm syndrome involves the victim paradoxically forming a positive relationship with their oppressor; this is called “Trauma Bonding”. When victims of narcissistic abuse are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, they are often seen by outsiders as somehow having participated in some bizarre way that seems to support their abuse. However, to understand how the trauma bonding occurs, it is especially relevant to understand what is involved in the decision-making and problem-solving process of the victim. This theory is known as Cognitive Dissonance.

If therapists are to understand the behaviour of clients who have been victims of narcissistic abuse, then it is crucial for them to appreciate why the victim combines the two unhealthy conditions of Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance as part of their survival strategy. When these two strategies are in place, the victim firmly believes that their relationship is not only acceptable, but also vital for their survival. They become so enmeshed in the relationship with the abuser, that they feel that their world (mental and emotional) would fall apart if the relationship ended. This explains why they fear those people who attempt to rescue them from their abuser, and how this causes the victim to develop cognitive dissonance and become protective of their abuser.

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that results from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs (Rational Wiki).  Cognitive Dissonance is a communication theory that was published by Leon Festinger in 1957, a theory that changed the way in which social psychology was to look at human decision-making and behaviour.  The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self-explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously (i.e. Shall I wear the red or the blue dress?). Naturally, people do not like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts; this theory proposes that when this happens, people have a motivational drive within them that allows them to rationalize and change their attitudes, beliefs, values and actions, anything that allows them to reduce or dissolve the dissonance they are experiencing (i.e Which makes my bum look smallest?) . When it comes to victims of abuse, there are several behaviours that a victim may use for reducing their cognitive dissonance. For a start they may try to ignore or eliminate it, or they may try to alter its importance, they may even create new cognitions, but most importantly they will try to prevent it from happening in the first place.

What part does Cognitive Dissonance play with victims of narcissistic abuse?

Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, so the victim is unaware of using them in the moment; all they are intent on is surviving the madness they find themselves in.

As you can imagine, these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for, cognitive dissonance being one.

Letting go..

 

A very important thing in life to remember is that it’s always easier to change yourself than it is to wait & hope for someone else to change..

You have control over your life, your choices, your happiness and if there is something or someone in your life that is making it harder, toxic or is just simply bad for you, then it is up to you to ‘let go’. Letting go is sometimes a challenge but I can guarantee that 9o% of the time it is worth it. Our gut instinct knows when something or someone isn’t right.

Listen to that instinct..

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