It’s over..

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…and so the final healing begins..

I just sent the last ever letter to my father, the last attempt to make contact…the last time I will ever spend time bargaining and fantasizing in my mind about how to say the perfect words, in hope that he will finally ‘get it’!

The difference this time is that I know he won’t get my words and there is no more hope left.

I also suspect that he won’t understand that this is the end of our relationship and he most likely won’t respect it! He doesn’t understand boundaries or healthy discussion, so it might take him awhile to fully realise what has happened if at all..

Below is what I wrote..

I wrote it mostly for myself, so I could get it off my chest, so I could feel good about my last words to my father..so I could feel empowered..

I received your letter and unfortunately I see that nothing has changed.

You didn’t take the things I wrote to you seriously.

My concerns were of no interest to you whatsoever.

My feelings once again didn’t matter.

The worst of all, is that you once again used emotional blackmail against me to get me to do what you want.

I don’t deserve to be treated this way!

I have been nothing but supportive to you over the years and you obviously don’t appreciate me!

The only thing that you are right about, is the fact that I am cutting off all contact with you from now on.

You aren’t who I thought you were. I no longer have the words to express how saddened I am.

Please don’t contact me again from now on!

Your personal life choices and those choices alone are responsible for the current state you are in.

Love just isn’t enough sometimes.

Take care

A.

I don’t feel any different yet..I don’t feel relief..I don’t feel free..I am hoping this will come with time..I am anxious and feeling guilty, which are the side effects of breaking free from a narcissistically abusive parent.

The side effects are similar to those of breaking free from a cult. When you have had constant programming from an extremely young age, it is very hard to remove those words from your mind.The hardest thing for me personally, is the false guilt & toxic shame that narcissists so nastily manipulate into your conscience.

General symptoms of withdrawal from a cult include confusion, depression, disorientation, insomnia, amnesia, guilt, fear, floating in and out of altered states, suicidal tendencies and emotional outbursts. Going ‘No contact’ with an abusive individual has similar effects. I am currently experiencing nausea, depression, false guilt, anxiety & fear. With time I know the intensity of these feelings will pass..

Hopefully now I really have the time and space to heal..It might be that I still get letters in the post or phonecalls, but as long as my phone is on flight mode and I return the letters unopened, he can’t hurt me anymore..

I am hoping that he doesn’t involve lawyers again..Even if he does however, I am in a different country, so I am relatively safe..

I’d like to finish this post with the words of my therapist…

You are the one sitting in the director’s chair of your life. You get to decide who plays a part in your movie and who doesn’t 🙂

Thanks once again for reading!

Hopefully  I can continue my day as productively as possible now.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love Athina ♥

My narcissistic father’s reply

Unexpectedly, I received a reply letter from my father on Saturday. It took 1 day and a half to get from Greece to Germany, which is incredibly fast, especially because he only paid 0.90 cent to send it. I guess the world is trying to tell me how urgently I must cut ties with him once and for all.

His letter was full of guilt-tripping, lies, fabrications and talk about money.

Malignant narcissists are excruciatingly worse when they age but in all honesty, his reply is pretty much what I expected (minus the last glimmer of hope that I had, for him to say something like ‘forget about the money, I love you, lets talk’)

This is what he wrote after 1 year and a half of not speaking to me:

I can’t say I am happy to have received your letter because you hurt me very much with your words, although I am glad you are ok.

If you really love me, as you say you do, you would have made contact with me to see how I was doing, as you left me in a really bad state when you left Greece, without knowing if I was going to live or die.

A lot of what you said in your letter is right however you had absolutely no right to take my money that I worked so hard to make. I made a stupid mistake recently to buy a new piece of land without selling the house I am currently still living in and I am currently in desperate need of money.

You tell me that you never want to talk about money again, yet you still haven’t returned the money you took.

The reason I removed your photograph at my office is because you hurt me, however I have never seen a photograph of me in your things.

I am not able to write more due to my deep distress however you shouldn’t have let go of the flat you were staying in. I never told you you had to let it go!Now, all you have done is add more stress to my life because I now have to once again pay the maintenance costs etc. It seems you want to cut all ties with me and for this I am sorry.

When I was in the psychiatric clinic and my wife was telling you she had no money to pay it, you never offered to pay with the money you had already taken.

Unfortunately, my depression continues and I am in a very bad way and you have just made we feel a whole lot worse. Thanks a lot!

Can you please return the money?I will appreciate it and then things can go back to how they used to be with us.

I also love you a lot but you hurt me way more than I ever hurt you!

After I read the letter, I took a deep breath and then cried. I cried for the fact that he once again tried to guilt-trip me into returning his money. I cried because he said I never called him after I left Greece and that I left him in a state of life or death, which is ridiculous! I called, left messages and even sent him a birthday card, to which he ignored completely. I visited his place of work, for him to ignore me, as if I was a nobody.He explained why he had removed my photo and then made up the ridiculus fabrication that he has never seen a photo of himself in my things!!! How could he?!He hasn’t visisted my home for 8 years and in the holiday flat in Greece there were 2 photos of him and me when I was younger, which he obviously never noticed. I had also sent him wedding photos of all of us from 2014 which I never saw anywhere in his things.

It is incredible to what lengths a narcissistic parent will fabricate stuff just to achieve the purpose of manipulating and guilt-tripping their child into compliance.

He then accussed me of adding more stress to his life because I let go of the holiday flat that HE had set up in the first place! A flat that he had set up because I could not live in his home of 5 bedrooms, due to his ridiculous dysfunction and his controlling wife.

He also thanked me for making him feel worse! What a childish way to speak to your child?!

and the ‘I love you’ he said at the end, means absolutely nothing when he then says ‘I hurt him more than he ever hurt me’…

The only thing he seems to be sorry about is that he realises that I want to cut all ties with him.

He is probably more sorry about this due to the fact that he won’t get his money back, not due to the fact that he has just lost his daughter.

After this weekend, I realise how deeply I hoped that he might show me a normal human emotion as a parent..That he would realise that he has lost me and that it would matter more to him to re-connect than to talk about his money..

My father has left me nothing..No relationship, no love, no feeling of acceptance, no feeling of gratitude and I am actually disgusted that I am half of this person..I have been fighting a feeling of nauseating emotional pain all weekend and I don’t know what to do with this feeling..I have also been battling a terrifying fear of sending my last letter to him ever, which from an outsider’s point of view is ridiculous. It is ridiculous, because I know that if this was someone else’s blog post I was reading, I would say ‘No contact is essential with this person and you don’t have to be afraid, as you have already been dealing with the loss of this parent anyway.

In my last letter, I will state exclusively that I no longer want any contact and that he no longer has a daughter from this day forward. I will be cancelling my mobile phone number and will return any future letters to him. I have to make sure ‘he really gets it’, that he understands that this is the end of our relationship.

My hubby even offered to call my father at his office and let him know that after I received his letter, I am no longer wanting to talk to him and that it is for good. My hubby would warn him and say, that ”you have one last chance to save your relationship with your daughter and that if you want, you can fly to Germany in a few days and make amends”.If then my father doesn’t do it, then we will both know it is truly over.

I have been feeling extremely low, guilty, torn, worried about his mental health and worried about my own current state of mind. Last night I wanted to end my emotional pain..Knowing that your parent doesn’t love you is the worst pain you will ever know.I also realised how much stronger the trauma bonding is with my father than it was with my mother. When there are so many good memories with your abuser, as well as bad, the trauma bonding is even harder to break. This is why it has been extremely hard for me to completely let go and cut all ties with my father.

I am prepared now however, as I no longer have anything to lose.

I never had a healthy father (or mother), so I have always been an emotional orphan.

This is it!

I will send my last letter to him this week..My phone is on air-flight mode so he cannot call me…Luckily, here in Germany I don’t receive any calls from anyone, as I use Viber and Whatsapp so it isn’t a huge loss to have my phone off.

My sanity comes first and to anybody else out there who has a malignant narcissist for a parent, then ‘No Contact’ is the only way to restore your sanity!

I am soon to find out what this truly feels like.

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Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

The desperation of a father who never learnt from his mistakes

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My half brother and my Dad playing at his home

My Dad always enjoyed spending time with his children. We softened up his heart..He told my mother once that he always had trouble feeling genuine love for anyone but with us children, he could feel it more..

We did all sorts of nice things such as playing ball, going to the park, fishing, going to the funfair and he always brought endless kittens home to us over the years, which were found in the various building sites he would visit when his architecture business was still booming.

He laughed at a lot..He made jokes a lot..

That side of him started disappearing a long time ago unfortunately..

I have a lot of good memories with my Dad when I was younger.He tried to give me more attention when I was still in primary school, because my mother always gave my brother 90% of her attention, due to his epilepsy and learning difficulties. The older I got however, the less attention I had and the lonelier and emptier I felt.

When I look at these photos, I see and remember my Dad’s kind side. I see the love for his kids, even if it wasn’t the kind of love that was enough or healthy.

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My Dad and I when I was 3- 1985

Yesterday, my farewell letter to my dad arrived.

The timing was perfect because my friend also dropped off the key to the flat as well. Before I even got round to checking the tracking number, my mobile started ringing. That’s how I knew my Dad had received the letter. He panicked..

In the afternoon when he was in his offce alone, he made 3 phonecalls and left 4 voicemails begging me to talk to him. He told me I was being too harsh to him.

The desperation in his voice was terribly difficult to hear. The empathetic, loving side of me aches with sadness. I can feel his desperation, his disbelief..

The logical, protective side of me knows it was the right thing to do..

The emotional side of me however is struggling..

If only I didn’t feel the emotional pain ..

His secretary told me this morning that he was already writing a reply letter to me. I feel more comfortable receiving a letter rather than speaking on the phone or hearing his voice in the voicemail messages. With his reply I am still in control of whether I respond or not. I have time to react. I have time to reflect.

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My Dad tickling my older brother and his wife (step-mother who is only 5 years older than me)-2006

All I can say right now is that my grief is strong..The longing for the kinder side of my father is strong. I can’t forget all the bad stuff, all the dysfunction however.My love for him isn’t enough when I have been constantly hurt. My kindness and my ‘heart of gold’ as my dad once described, isn’t enough to put up with the constant dissappointment. He didn’t value me enough in the last years.

I was always the one who was there for my Dad emotionally. The sensitive sucker of a daughter, who was easily manipulated, who was told to act differently, who wasn’t welcome anymore in her father’s home, who wasn’t allowed to see her half brother, all because his wife didn’t want me to..He allowed all of it for his own selfish needs.Yet I still longed for the connection with him.

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I treasured this summer evening-Fishing with my Dad and half brother when he was 6 years old)-

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May 2012-My brother’s birthday in Greece with my Dad joking around with him

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Spring 2010-Dad, I and my half brother

The waiting now is going to be uncomfortable but I am prepared..I will keep busy, see friends, use distractions and hold onto the love in my home with my hubby..

He is my best friend and we always talk everything through so well..

I am so lucky to have him in my life, otherwise I probably would never have had the strength to cope with everything in the last couple of years.

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ❤

The letter

Following from my last post ‘The end of a chapter’, I decided that the only way to stop the phone-calls that my father keeps making to me is to actually tell him that I no longer want any contact.

I never explicitly told him this when we had our fall out. Once he gave me the silent treatment for a year and ignored me coldly when I visited his office, I decided that the only way to protect myself from further emotional distress , was to just not communicate with him.

Unfortunately, after he was over his ‘narcissistic strop’, he started calling me again, the day after my birthday. He has been making many attempts to re-connect with me by phone but has not once apologised for his behaviour or for the harm he caused me.

Now that I finally let go of the flat that we used in Greece, it felt only natural to inform him of this new development and to make sure that he knows that the responsibility for the flat is back with him. It was always in his name, yet he neglected to pay the bills and maintenance costs. Hubby and I were stuck with them and had to pay them yearly.

In my letter to him, I informed him that we have vacated the flat and that a friend of mine will drop off the key at his office. I informed him that he is responsible for paying the 200euro of maintenance costs and that we have informed the person in charge. I have informed him that I no longer feel comfortable using this flat, due to the current circumstances of our relationship.

The most important thing in this letter however, is the fact that I have finally informed him of my ‘terms & boundaries’. I have clearly stated that I do not use my phone anymore and that I do not see the point of re-connecting with him. I told him that I have had enough disappointment in my life in regards to his behaviour towards me. That I will not tolerate a relationship with a father, who is dysfunctional, controlling & a pathological liar. That I will not tolerate a relationship with a father who is also completely controlled by his malignant wife and who has poisoned him against everybody that truly care for him.

I have told him that if he had truly wanted a relationship with me, he would have told his wife that his relationship with me is important.He would have told his wife that he wanted to visit me in Germany all these years, instead of not doing it because she wouldn’t allow it. He would have used his wealth, to spend quality time with his children and treat everyone fairly. He would have explained to his wife that his children are important to him.

Instead, he allowed her to control him and I missed out on 18 years of a ‘normal’ relationship with my father.

Instead, he allowed her to threaten me. Instead he allowed her to talk badly of me.

Instead, he was abusive to her and his children, which in return made her abusive towards him.

Instead, he attempted to take his own life because of the pressure she had put on him financially.

Instead, he still returned to her and lives under her rules, her control and her nastiness.

Instead, he continues to neglect himself, his health, his children, his colleagues and obsesses constantly about money.

In my letter to him I stated that I deserve to have a father who doesn’t have to lie to spend time with me. I stated that on my wedding day, I deserved to have a Dad that was there completely and not a Dad who was freaking out because he had hadn’t told his wife it was my wedding day. I deserved a Dad that wasn’t hiding and worrying throughout the wedding meal.

I stated that I have done nothing but support him all these years and yet he hasn’t been able to put the effort in when it has mattered.

In the last few lines of this letter, I expressed my gratitude for the good memories I have with him and I wished him well.

This was my farewell letter.

I have told him not to contact me by phone anymore.

I am now patiently awaiting the arrival of this letter, so my friend can hand over the key to him. It was sent registered, so I am able to see when he receives it.

If he does not stop calling me then I will cancel my phone contract as a last resort.

This letter wasn’t easy..This letter was discussed with my therapist. By writing a letter however, I am better able to be in control.

I am not expecting a normal response.

I am hoping that it brings an end to the current situation of uncomfortable voicemails.

Thanks for reading

Athina ♥

The end of a chapter

After 1 busy holiday in Greece I have finally said farewell to the temporary flat hubby and I used there for the last 5 years.

The story of this little flat was a complex one but it was set up by my father as a neutral base for me because I could no longer live under his roof. When I moved back to Greece in 2011, I did it partly because my father said it would give him the strength to divorce his wife. I also did it as a new start for myself, after spending 11 years living in the UK with many failed relationships, heartache and confusion.I was growing closer with my Dad again and the hope that he would finally leave his dysfunctional marriage was really strong. Greece will always be my home, the place I was born and grew up in.

When I first moved back and stayed in the house he shared with his wife and my half brother, there was constant tension, arguing and toxicity. I had arrived to live in the ground floor of his maisonette, which was a separate flat in itself. It had its’ own shower-room, bedroom and a small kitchenette which was also accessible by the rest of the house. His wife was not happy I was back. She had done her best to isolate my father from me for years, to control him and to not allow him to have a relationship with me. My father had also chosen to marry this woman and had chosen to mistreat her, abuse her and cheat on her. Through guilt (apparently) he had then allowed her to bleed him dry by spending ridiculous amounts of money on antique furniture, 50,000 euro cars and the best of everything.Through guilt, he allowed her to control him in the end. Their lives were full of threats and lies and drama.

Where did I fit into all of this? Where did my older brother fit into all of this? And my younger half brother? He is yet another innocent child caught up in a severely dysfunctional home.

After this first week of me moving back home and battling with all the anxiety of moving countries, trying to sort out my bedroom after all my boxes had arrived and trying to deal with the unpleasantness of having my evil Step-mother living upstairs, I returned to England to pick up my cat. He was being looked after by a friend of mine, until all the boxes had been sent off. I was trying to make things as stress free as possible for him, so decided to fly back to Greece with him, after I had unpacked and set up my flat. The morning of my return, my father announced to me that I couldn’t come home. He told me that he had just announced to his wife that he wanted her out of the house with my half-brother… that he was getting a divorce. She had obviously gone absolutely crazy and reacted very badly to my father’s cruel discard. The way he had presented it, made me look really bad. Like it was my fault that he asked her to leave. She went absolutely crazy and smashed my things..What followed after that was a whole summer of arguing, threats and trauma.

Minutes after landing in Athens with my cat, I had to make alternative arrangements to stay somewhere else! My anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t go home to my new home. I was already extremely unsettled but now I also had my poor cat to think about, who was extremely nervous and confused. Luckily I called the mother of a friend of mine and she let me stay with her.She had let me stay with her once a year in the summer, when I visited my friends and Dad. It was a safe haven in all the chaos of my father’s life. She let me and my cat stay with her and her husband for 2 whole weeks, until I could actually go home (or so I thought).

What followed after these 2 weeks, was a temporary flat my father had found through a fellow architect friend of his. I still couldn’t go home. My cat and I had to go to this temporary flat which was completely empty and had nothing in it. My dad found some really old, filthy furniture from his office and brought it there for me. I at least had a bed, small uncomfortable sofa and a really old fridge that was filled with mould. He gave me a mini oven & hob and a fan to help me cope with the hot summer temperatures. I was on the top floor of a block of flats and it was like a sauna in that flat. The sofabed, was covered in dust, cat piss and cat hairs. It had collected all of this dirt from years and years of being unused in his office storage cellar. This was the best he could give me..

I remember asking for a hoover and never getting one.I only had a broom and dustpan. I remember asking my father to go to his house, so I could at least collect some of my things. This was very difficult to arrange, as his wife was always there and he didn’t want us to be anywhere near each other. I had to go there very quickly for 5 minutes at a time when she wasn’t there and collect as much stuff as I could to bring to the other flat. I also had to do the same whenever I needed to do my laundry. The whole situation was utterly ridiculous looking back on it. I felt like a criminal, like a bad person, when in actuality it was all my father’s fault.

The rest of the summer got worse and worse for me. He would visit me, unload all of his stress onto me and then my anxiety and ptsd would deteriorate. I was trying so hard to cope with it all. Eventually I was so ill, I had to see a therapist that my friend recommended for me. She looked after me, did a psychological assessment on me and got me into group therapy. She arranged for my Dad to come in so she could explain to him that I don’t need additional stress, as moving countries was already enough stress for me.I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I learned that I will just have to come to terms with the fact that I will always be overly sensitive to stress.

When the temperatures started reaching 37, 38 degrees Celsius, I couldn’t cope anymore. I desperately needed air-con to cope with the heat in that flat.One morning, the anxiety was so bad from the heat when I woke up, that I was vomiting, seeing spots of light and I literally thought I was going crazy. My friend’s mother saved the day once again!

I ended up staying in this flat for 5 months before I could finally return to my Dad’s. In that whole time my Dad was trying to get his wife and my half-brother re-settled into a very expensive apartment. I on the other hand, didn’t even complain for the state I was living in.

After I eventually moved back into my Dad’s house, I enjoyed 7 months of having my Dad to myself, for the first time in 12 years. We even spent Christmas together and when my little brother came home, I try to make it magical for him. The poor kid was so traumatised. He was only 7.

The only silver lining in all of this chaos and unsettlement was the time I spent with my Dad alone, and the fact that I met my now husband. When I met him, I was overwhelmed by his kindness and interest in me. He was so loyal and supportive to me and with the support of my group therapy, it all turned out well. After meeting my husband and realising that we couldn’t stay in Greece anymore due to the financial crisis that was present, I told my father and he was devastated. A week or two later, he told me that he realised that he had made a mistake kicking his wife out and couldn’t afford to pay for her flat anymore. The reality of it was that my Dad couldn’t deal with being on his own. So once again, I had to leave his home before I was ready. I finally moved into my last home in Greece which was this little flat seen in the photos below. This little flat was very well located luckily and my Dad arranged a deal with someone who owed him money, to ‘pretend’ that he was renting it from him for 10 years. He of course wouldn’t pay this guy any rent, but would still have to cover the maintenance costs and bills. I lived there for 3 months before finally leaving Greece when my husband found a job at a university in Cornwall.

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This little flat was a very important one. It was the flat that we always returned to when visiting friends & family. It was the flat that we got ready in for our wedding day and the flat that we slept in for the first time as a married couple.

It was the flat that I stayed in when my father attempted suicide, 7 months after our wedding. The memories were both happy and traumatic. After having no contact with my father for over a year, It didn’t feel the same anymore using this flat. It was in his name, yet he wasn’t paying the maintenance bills or utility bills. Going to Greece was no longer a happy occassion for me.

Last week, we emptied the flat. We sold the washing machine, air-con, cooker, microwave and everything else of sentimental value, we brought home. We left the furniture for my Dad to sort out and tomorrow I will be posting my father a letter to tell him we have vacated the flat and no longer need it, or want to pay for it. A friend of mine will also be dropping off the key at his office and that will be the end of this chapter in our life.

Hubby and I are now free to have holidays on more neutral ground and even though I no longer have a ‘home’ in Greece which has caused me a lot of grief, I have come to the realisation that ever since my parents split up back in 2000, I already didn’t have a ‘home’. This was just the end of another chapter in my life..

Thanks for reading ♥

The black hole..

I am struggling today..

My father made contact again..I am right on the edge of replying to my father’s messages..phonecalls..just to make them stop! ..I know that won’t happen though…

I don’t want to be sucked into the black hole again..People with NPD do that..They are very good at sucking you back in…Whether it is soppy messages, guilt-trips, the silent treatment etc….I can’t forget this..

My father has NPD and doesn’t see the world the same way I do..

His voicemails were full of complaints..

First voicemail:

”Not even a call for Happy New Year? One day when you have children of your own, you will know that the love of a parent for their child never goes away, no matter what”..

Second voicemail:

”You can see that it is me calling you and yet you continue to ignore my calls. All I wanted was for you to be happy.Wishing you all the best. That’s it from me”

Third call and no voicemail..

His voicemails sound like a cry for attention..His voicemails make ME sound like the heartless daughter who will not respond…

This isn’t so however..

He gave me the silent treatment for nearly a year..and then suddenly decided to make contact again…He ignored my attempts to make contact and he ignored me when I stood in front of him, which hurt like hell..

He is the one who attempted suicide as a way of controlling his wife…He is the one who always chose his NPD wife over his own daughter for the last 12 years…He is the one that didn’t want to make changes in his behaviour and is aware he is treating people badly.He is the one that hired a lawyer against me to return his money..that threatened to kill himself again because I wasn’t doing what he wanted..that hurt me over and over and over again..that abandoned me over and over again..

So why the hell do I feel like a heartless daughter because I wont pick up the phone??!

The biggest difference between the two of us is that he lacks empathy and I don’t ..

I feel absolutely everything & it is exhausting..I feel his pain, I feel his desperation but I know I must continue to keep my distance..

I never explicitly told him that I don’t want any contact anymore, because it was too destructive for my mental health to get back into a conversation with him..

Since he won’t stop making attempts to get back in touch with me, I am starting to realise that he just isn’t getting the message.

I have decided to write him a letter..In this letter I will tell him what my terms are in regards to having contact, if at all..

In this way I don’t have to ‘talk to him’, as talking to him means more drama, more guilt tripping, etc…Every time he calls and leaves a message it unsettles me greatly..

I love him despite everything..I just can’t help that..

It has been an emotional evening and an unsettling start to this week..

On the bright side, I woke up to a snowy Germany today..♥

Love to you all ♥

Athina

Parentless at Christmas

Christmas time isn’t always as cheerful as it is meant to be..It isn’t what you see on tv or in films..It isn’t all happy, with big families, presents and lots of love..It has most definetely not been this way for me..

Christmas is a tumultuous time for those of us with trauma & loss..It is a deeply disappointing time for those of us who are parentless..

This empty hole inside me has resurfaced with even more of a vengeance..

All the depressing thoughts that say ‘I am bad, I am not enough, I am guilty’ are whispering in my ear..How can any child not feel emotional pain when their own parent is not able to love them unconditionally?!

I am missing my Dad at the moment..The Dad I thought I had & hoped I had all these years, until reality really hit me hard last year when he turned against me..

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Nothing can ever replace the loss of healthy parents…The bereavement of this sort of loss can last a lifetime because you ‘never really knew what healthy parenting is supposed to feel like’..

This is how I am feeling at the moment..There is a rawness and disappointment..A deep desire to be held by a mother or father who loves you deeply and unconditionally..who accepts you..who wants the best for you..who loves spending time with you..who is able to guide you and comfort you…I still dream about this feeling..

I have seen it in other peoples’ parents and have an idea of what it is supposed to feel like but I just can’t quite hold this feeling in…..because it will never be mine….

I will only have ‘surrogate parents’ out there, who are other older friends who have shown more sensitivity and love than my own parents ever did..and that is still not enough..

To all of my parentless friends and fellow bloggers who are struggling with grief this Christmas,

I hear you and feel for you. It is tough to feel such emptiness..It is tough to have grown up with trauma & emotional neglect…

All I can say is….. hold onto the people that you do have in your life right now and be grateful for the smallest things..for these things help to keep you going..♥

The impact of post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment

An incredibly insighful post by my friend Deborah, who is also on a healing journey from trauma.xx

Emerging From The Dark Night

As with other types of post trauma, the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment range from mild to severe.  PTSD of abandonment is a psychobiological condition in which earlier separation traumas interfere with current life.  An earmark of this interference is intrusive anxiety which often manifests as a pervasive feeling of insecurity – a primary source of self sabotage in our primary relationships and in achieving long range goals.  Another earmark is a tendency to compulsively reenact our abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns, i.e., abandoholism – being attracted to the unavailable.

Another factor of abandonment post trauma is for victims to be plagued with diminished self esteem and heightened vulnerability within social contexts (including the workplace) which intensifies their need to buttress their flagging ego strength with defense mechanisms which can be automatically discharged and whose intention is to protect the narcissistically injured self from further rejection, criticism…

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The time of year when everyone is tired..

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It feels like ages since I have posted a proper blog post..I am feeling so so tired and there are 6 days left of my German course before Christmas and I really can’t wait..

It is not Christmas in itself I am looking forward to. It is the week off I can’t wait for.I want to sleep in, be lazy, relax, watch films and enjoy home with my hubby.

For someone who hasn’t worked a full time job in ages, I shouldn’t really complain..

Most of you have to get up every morning and work really hard..A lot of you don’t even like your job anymore..A lot of you have health problems, stress and kids to bring up..

I don’t have kids and don’t have a full time job but I live with CPTSD every day..I am also an introvert and highly sensitive person, so being around people as much as I have recently has worn me out..

There have been times throughout my intensive course where I have just wanted to cry and give up..where I just come home and don’t want to even think about German let alone do the daily homework given to us… Then there is the extra studying of the vocabulary…the memorising of words (which is challenging as my short term memory is awful due to the meds I am on)…where my feeling of being overwhelmed makes me extremely irritable and I just want to hide away in my bed..I also had 3 incidents so far where I would arrive in class and it felt like my heart was beating irregularly, completely out of the blue..This would then make me feel sick or dizzy.. Nevertheless, I have been on time, every day and haven’t missed any days at all..So many of my classmates have had at least 1 or two days off for whatever reason and I am still pushing on..

My teacher told me that I am in the top 3 of the class, so I guess that is a good thing..With only 11 of us in total though, i guess it really isn’t such a big accomplishment..At least I know I am trying my hardest.

..For the last 2 weeks we have had an extra hour added onto each day which has literally made it exhausting..25 hours of German is a lot! Tomorrow is the last 5 hour day however, so I am feeling a little happier about next week being back to only 20 hours.

I am not sure how worth it the course has been, due to the fact that I am still unable to understand people talking German, apart from when it is veeeeeeeeery slow and simple German..My vocabulary has at least increased a lot and I have learnt a lot of the grammar, which will be useful when trying to speak more.There are 3 weeks left before our final exam so I guess until then I will just have to wait and see if this A1 class of German was enough to enable me to get a small part time job. If not, then would it be worth me doing the A2 course next with the same teacher?! Who knows! I like my teacher but has she been good? I have no idea!!

Anyhow…. I hope this post wasn’t too rambly..If it was, I apologise..I am literally falling asleep as I write and I still have 4 pages of homework to do! It might just be power nap time…20 Minutes should hopefully refresh me, although to be completely honest, afternoon naps for me usually turn into 1 hour naps or more!!

Much love to you all ♥

Happy Monday!

Courage Coaching

Dear readers,

This post today is only a quick one. I thought I would share this week’s Youtube video which will also be shared on my Child Within blog, so it reaches more people. It is a Q & A  video on narcissism and in this case, one of my viewers wanted to know whether narcissists are paranoid.

This is something I have had first hand experience with and I know how detrimental it can be to those that surround the narcissist. My father’s paranoia was incredibly magnetic and my husband and I, as well as his friends and colleagues, all got sucked into his overly paranoid outlook just before and after his suicide attempt.

If you have had to deal with narcissistic family or partners who were overly paranoid, please feel free to share your experience.

Love Athina ♥

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