Catch up on life

It seems blogging has taken a back seat in my life for awhile now, as my youtube videos and coaching have been taking up a lot of my time. I am so pleased at the way both of these have been going over the last year. My client numbers are on the up and my youtube channel is bringing in a small income.

I am currently feeling quietly proud of my achievements in the last 2 years, as I never thought that anybody would notice me. My husband always told me that I have a talent for listening, empathising & supporting others but I always took it for granted, as it is all I have known. It has been a blessing and a curse at the same time!

From always feeling like my mental health struggles always took something away from me, now I feel that because of these same struggles, I am helping others & working at the same time! This feeling is hugely rewarding. Doing something you love, whilst also making a difference.

My life has also improved greatly because of our darling puppy. She is now nearly 8 months old and is still as affectionate & playful as she was when she was tiny. It has been a huge boost for my mental health, as walking her and attending to her needs for play and stimulation, has kept me living in the moment.

Although I am currently juggling being a wife, puppy mum, life coach, youtube video creator and a facilities assistant at a part time position here in Germany, life couldn’t be better.

It’s been ages since I have been able to look back on my life and say that it has been consistent and stable. The dramas have luckily minimised and the hurt and grief associated with my Dad, is less prevalent. Although I still struggle with a constant feeling of tiredness due to my CPTSD, that is manageable thankfully.

My mother is coming to stay with us for Easter, so I am expecting a tiny bit of drama whilst my husband is away for 1 of the nights. It’s nothing I can’t handle though. It’s been a year since I last saw her and even longer since my husband last saw her, so I am pretty sure it will be fine. Easter is pretty boring here in Germany, as everything is shut for 2 days, so having extra company, might not be such a bad thing.

For those of you who are new to my blog, this is my Coaching blog Courage Coaching

You can also find links on there of my youtube channel.

Thanks for reading!

Love Athina ♥

 

More drama from the queen I am so used to

 

Today started off well, after a wonderful meeting with the Operations Manager at my little job. She said that they are extremely happy with me at the Chambers of Commerce and that I seem to be doing my job as a facilities assistant for them very well.  There are no complaints whatsoever for everything that I have done so far and it seems that most of the complaints that were popping up before, were actually mostly directed at my friend who introduced me to the job.

Hubby said that they would appreciate my integrity and willingness to do well and it seems he was right! When I started the job alongside my friend, I felt that I would just be helping her out occassionally. Now that she quit, I am working more hours and have a part-time contract. It couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. I very much enjoy working alone and just getting on with it, whilst also exchanging a few brief conversations with the staff that are there daily.

After my shift this morning, I came home and slept for over 3 hours. Instead of waking up and feeling refreshed and happy, I received a call from my mother who wanted to have a serious conversation about my brother.

She started off by saying ‘I wanted to ask you some questions and I ask that you answer as honestly as possible”.

After this introduction, I knew the drama was going to start..I also knew that she must have found out certain things and wasn’t happy with me at all!

She asked me whether I knew that my brother was researching narcissism? I said yes…

She also asked me whether I was the one that dared to plant the seed of telling him (a vulnerable adult with special needs & limited emotional & mental capabilities) about narcissism? I said yes..

She asked me whether I knew that he was calling her a narcissist? I said yes..

She asked me ‘whether I agreed’ and I said yes.

I also told her though that despite my brother’s special needs and limited mental & emotional capacity, he is still very much able to distinguish between what feels right and what hurts him…That she just needs to accept that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her…

She is pissed off I messed with their relationship and helped him see the reality…

She also insinuated in a childish way that she spoke to his carer and that they are discussing ways of protecting him from me, because he is getting so much worse by isolating himself away from his family..(meaning her) and listening to the unnecessary things I am sharing with him..

He hasn’t isolated himself from his family…Only from her…He talks to me all the time about his finds in narcissism, the art classes he does and how I recommended art as a form of therapy and how they have helped him feel better..(of course I didn’t share this with her..) She is so envious of our closeness and relationship..

She said that it is ridiculous that we think she is a narcissist…that her psychologist who she has known for awhile, only told her that she has mild depression…That if she were a narcissist, she wouldn’t be capable of caring so much for her children and hurting so much..that she wouldn’t have friends…etc etc…Any sane psychologist, knows not to confront a narcissist, by telling them they are a narcissist..

3 of my therapists have confirmed to me that my parents are narcissists through psychological testing..

My mother is always either the victim or a mother just like any other, who has sacrificed everything for her children.

Covert Narcissists wearing the Martyr’s mask–

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays the martyr role so convincingly that most people believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of their extreme self-sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist’s well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being.

Dr Linda Martinez-Lewi – The Narcissist in your life

 

She is pissed off that I wasn’t strong enough to keep my own thoughts to myself and that I had to tell my brother. It’s funny how she still sees me as weak, when in actuality she is the weak one..

I have helped my brother see the light and he has finally made sense of everything that he always sensed all along..My mother has probably harmed him more than she has harmed me, as she has attached herself to him too much because of his special needs. He has been on a pedestal in her eyes due to his disabilities and my mother feels like she sacrificed everything to support him..In part, this is true…Having a special needs child changes everything. It causes a huge imbalance in any family, it causes stress in the marriage and any siblings in the family can feel neglected, unimportant or parentified. She is still a covert narcissist however and nothing will change that unfortunately.

My brother is finally on a healing journey and even if his special needs don’t allow him to completely understand every single detail about narcissism, he at least feels validated, understood, feels that he can protect himself and can make his own decisions..He may be a vulnerable adult with limited intellectual capacities and obsessive tendencies but his heart knows what feels safe and what doesnt! No one can take that away from him…

♥

 

 

 

The calm before the storm

As I predicted, my father’s reply letter arrived today, even though I said I no longer wanted contact.

Last night I went to bed full of anxiety and today I asked my husband to check the mailbox, as I wanted nothing to do with it.

I knew that if I had his letter in my hand, it would be too difficult to not open the envelope and read it.

Luckily, we folded the letter and put it into another envelope and my husband posted it back. I asked him to write the address as well.

I feel sick to my stomach again from all the fluctuating emotions and utterly exhausted from the tension.

I worry that things are going to get worse from now on and that the next letter will be from his lawyer.

I need to find out what my rights are, for taking my dad’s money from our shared account. After his suicide attempt, he scared the shit out of me. I immediately envisioned a future with even more stress from his gold-digging wife. My therapist also warned me that financially things wouldn’t be good, as narcissists and particularly my father are controlling and irresponsible with their money. She said that I have to be prepared for chaos. This is why I took a portion of this money from our account. I also took this money cos I could see how careless he was being towards himself and his health. I wanted to have some money aside to help him in the future, when he had nothing left.

This of course, will no longer be necessary. Now, I am just protecting myself.

Due to the fact that I live with CPTSD, I have never been able to work full time for very long. My chronic exhaustion, bad memory and general bad mental health has made it very hard to even start considering saving money for the future. Most people in their mid 30’s have already started saving for their retirement. I haven’t been able to do this and this scares me.I also know that it isn’t my husband’s responsibility to pay for me, or to pay for any future expenses that I have because of my irresponsible father.

Now that I didn’t read my father’s reply letter and successfuly sent it back, I will crawl into bed and sleep. I will sleep so I don’t have to think about it anymore and I will sleep cos I feel exhausted.

His words will no longer poison my mind..

His desperation will no longer affect me..

His shaming will no longer hurt me..

I have already suffered enough..

Now is my time to focus solely on myself..♥♥

Return to sender

It will be a week tomorrow since I posted my last letter to my father. Although I have no idea when and if my letter to him arrived, his secretary who is also a friend, told me he has already sent me a reply.

I promised myself last week that if I received another letter from him, I would send it back unopened.

In all honesty I am contemplating reading it..

Just to see what crazy stuff he has come up with this time..

Or to see his reaction to my farewell letter…

or to see if he is making any threats about lawyers (which I am worried about).

I am fully aware that by reading his letter again, I will be affected mentally and physically..

That it won’t give me closure and that I can’t trust anything he says as the truth..

That he won’t say anything remotely empathetic or loving and that I will once again be crushed..

So why do it to myself? Why cause myself more pain? Haven’t I had enough already?

It’s going to take a lot of strength to not open it, as I keep wondering whether I will regret it if I don’t read it..

The reality however is that I can’t unread a letter..Once I read it, the words get stuck in my head..

So returning it unopened and unread sends a powerful message..Even more so than asking him not to contact me again..

Family photos don’t show the truth

Trigger alert *****

Last night I had a gruesome nightmare..I felt incredibly guilty because I took part in covering up a murder of a young woman and knowing that her body was dismembered.I have no idea how she died and why. My father was also in the dream although I don’t remember the details of why he was in it either. All I remember vividly is that I was on the run and was trying to stay hidden and safe..I felt scared and I felt guilty..

It was a very dark and unsettling dream..I am pretty sure it is symbolic of what I am going through right now, with the projected guilt I am feeling of cutting ties with him..

I hope I can stay strong and protect myself..

I just want it to finally be over..

Love Athina ♥

The black hole..

I am struggling today..

My father made contact again..I am right on the edge of replying to my father’s messages..phonecalls..just to make them stop! ..I know that won’t happen though…

I don’t want to be sucked into the black hole again..People with NPD do that..They are very good at sucking you back in…Whether it is soppy messages, guilt-trips, the silent treatment etc….I can’t forget this..

My father has NPD and doesn’t see the world the same way I do..

His voicemails were full of complaints..

First voicemail:

”Not even a call for Happy New Year? One day when you have children of your own, you will know that the love of a parent for their child never goes away, no matter what”..

Second voicemail:

”You can see that it is me calling you and yet you continue to ignore my calls. All I wanted was for you to be happy.Wishing you all the best. That’s it from me”

Third call and no voicemail..

His voicemails sound like a cry for attention..His voicemails make ME sound like the heartless daughter who will not respond…

This isn’t so however..

He gave me the silent treatment for nearly a year..and then suddenly decided to make contact again…He ignored my attempts to make contact and he ignored me when I stood in front of him, which hurt like hell..

He is the one who attempted suicide as a way of controlling his wife…He is the one who always chose his NPD wife over his own daughter for the last 12 years…He is the one that didn’t want to make changes in his behaviour and is aware he is treating people badly.He is the one that hired a lawyer against me to return his money..that threatened to kill himself again because I wasn’t doing what he wanted..that hurt me over and over and over again..that abandoned me over and over again..

So why the hell do I feel like a heartless daughter because I wont pick up the phone??!

The biggest difference between the two of us is that he lacks empathy and I don’t ..

I feel absolutely everything & it is exhausting..I feel his pain, I feel his desperation but I know I must continue to keep my distance..

I never explicitly told him that I don’t want any contact anymore, because it was too destructive for my mental health to get back into a conversation with him..

Since he won’t stop making attempts to get back in touch with me, I am starting to realise that he just isn’t getting the message.

I have decided to write him a letter..In this letter I will tell him what my terms are in regards to having contact, if at all..

In this way I don’t have to ‘talk to him’, as talking to him means more drama, more guilt tripping, etc…Every time he calls and leaves a message it unsettles me greatly..

I love him despite everything..I just can’t help that..

It has been an emotional evening and an unsettling start to this week..

On the bright side, I woke up to a snowy Germany today..♥

Love to you all ♥

Athina

The time of year when everyone is tired..

It feels like ages since I have posted a proper blog post..I am feeling so so tired and there are 6 days left of my German course before Christmas and I really can’t wait..

It is not Christmas in itself I am looking forward to. It is the week off I can’t wait for.I want to sleep in, be lazy, relax, watch films and enjoy home with my hubby.

For someone who hasn’t worked a full time job in ages, I shouldn’t really complain..

Most of you have to get up every morning and work really hard..A lot of you don’t even like your job anymore..A lot of you have health problems, stress and kids to bring up..

I don’t have kids and don’t have a full time job but I live with CPTSD every day..I am also an introvert and highly sensitive person, so being around people as much as I have recently has worn me out..

There have been times throughout my intensive course where I have just wanted to cry and give up..where I just come home and don’t want to even think about German let alone do the daily homework given to us… Then there is the extra studying of the vocabulary…the memorising of words (which is challenging as my short term memory is awful due to the meds I am on)…where my feeling of being overwhelmed makes me extremely irritable and I just want to hide away in my bed..I also had 3 incidents so far where I would arrive in class and it felt like my heart was beating irregularly, completely out of the blue..This would then make me feel sick or dizzy.. Nevertheless, I have been on time, every day and haven’t missed any days at all..So many of my classmates have had at least 1 or two days off for whatever reason and I am still pushing on..

My teacher told me that I am in the top 3 of the class, so I guess that is a good thing..With only 11 of us in total though, i guess it really isn’t such a big accomplishment..At least I know I am trying my hardest.

..For the last 2 weeks we have had an extra hour added onto each day which has literally made it exhausting..25 hours of German is a lot! Tomorrow is the last 5 hour day however, so I am feeling a little happier about next week being back to only 20 hours.

I am not sure how worth it the course has been, due to the fact that I am still unable to understand people talking German, apart from when it is veeeeeeeeery slow and simple German..My vocabulary has at least increased a lot and I have learnt a lot of the grammar, which will be useful when trying to speak more.There are 3 weeks left before our final exam so I guess until then I will just have to wait and see if this A1 class of German was enough to enable me to get a small part time job. If not, then would it be worth me doing the A2 course next with the same teacher?! Who knows! I like my teacher but has she been good? I have no idea!!

Anyhow…. I hope this post wasn’t too rambly..If it was, I apologise..I am literally falling asleep as I write and I still have 4 pages of homework to do! It might just be power nap time…20 Minutes should hopefully refresh me, although to be completely honest, afternoon naps for me usually turn into 1 hour naps or more!!

Much love to you all ♥

Intensive language courses can be exhausting

Dear friends and fellow bloggers,

I apologise for being away from the blogging world recently. I am struggling to keep up with my new routine at the moment, so my YouTube videos on my channel have had priority, as well as the important decision to finally start German lessons.

Yes, I finally gave in!! I have signed up to an intensive 7 week course!

Hubby and I were discussing our future in Germany a few weeks ago and I was talking about whether moving back to the UK would be a good idea or not after all.

I still want to do my Art Therapy MA in the future, which I will now have to re-apply for, (as I have lost my unconditional offer after 2,5 years of not starting) however our life here in Germany has been good due to my husband’s job. It has provided security, health insurance & a cosy home. Germany has been extremely kind to me over the last 2,5 years.

Looking back on that time, I have come to realise that I needed these years away from full time work, in order to fully grieve the loss of my parents and in order to continue my healing journey. Grieving the loss of the healthy parents I never had was extremely painful, time consuming but absolutely necessary..Germany gave me that time..My husband’s work gave me that time..

In these 2,5 years I have:

1.grieved extensively

2.dealt with 1 last family drama when my father attempted suicide

3.gone no contact with my father

4.married my husband

5.started the gym

6.studied Cognitive Behavioural Coaching & completed my qualification as seen below 🙂

7. continued my healing in therapy & achieved a new sense of freedom from this healing

8.grown in confidence

9.met some amazing bloggers which I am lucky enough to also call friends.

10.had EMDR therapy to minimise my emotional flashbacks & nightmares

11.learnt how to make homemade bread, homemade pizza & other vegetarian dishes for my hubby

12.learnt new creative hobbies

13.started blogging & vlogging

and finally 14. started learning German

Now it may seem VERY strange that learning German is the last thing on my list but there were many reasons for this. Firstly, it isn’t a language I particularly like and secondly it is a difficult language to learn.

The main reason for not learning straight away however, is because I was originally only going to stay in Germany for 6 months, whilst hubby settled in to his new job. I was then going to head back to Sheffield to start my Art Therapy MA.

When we realised that this would be a little too costly, whilst we were also preparing to get married, I then ended up defering my course and just stayed on in Germany for the full year. After I got married, I was thrown in the deep end in regards to family dramas with my parents, so ended up spending the next year grieving and suffering greatly with my CPTSD & depression. It’s incredible how big a part mental illness can take up in your life sometimes!

Germany has been very kind to me and for this I am grateful…My husband’s insurance covered all my therapy sessions over the last 2 years, which would have otherwise been very expensive or almost non existent if I was in the UK. I have taken baby steps in achieving goals I never thought I could achieve and I am currently in a very good place in regards to my mental health. Although I am still on anti-depressants and fortnightly therapy, I am feeling more at peace with myself as a person and have developed a new sense of self-compassion and confidence I never had before.

My decision to FINALLY start German lessons was because of the discussion of leaving Germany or staying. I thought that the only way to truly know if I could stay in Germany more long term, would be to give the language a try and hopefully get a part-time job.Having a part-time job would enable me to save money for a pension when I am old and wrinkly. At the moment I am not able to do this on a few hours of coaching with my new business.

I promised myself that I would give learning Germany my best try and if after completing the course I still didn’t feel confident in getting a job, then we would move back to the UK and start over.

These 2,5 years have been the longest time hubby and I have lived in one place without moving. Since we met almost 5 years ago, we have lived in many different towns and places. Now that we are nearly in our mid 30’s we would like to settle somewhere for longer and get a dog.

At the moment, Germany and specifically Bonn still feels like home.

I have completed 4 days of my intensive German course and I must admit it is incredibly tiring as there is so much to learn in a short space of time. Unfortunately with my CPTSD, I have problems with my memory so I have to repeat stuff over and over again until I can properly learn it..Although I attend classes every day for 4 hours, I still have to spend 3 hours just doing the homework at the end of each day.Today I have given myself the afternoon off to blog and just relax!

I am so glad it is Friday 🙂

So once again, I am sorry if I have been a bit distant dear friends..This will continue for the next 7 weeks but I will try and catch up each weekend with writing, as well as reading your posts!

Love Athina ♥

INFJ-Personality type!

After sorting through all my paperwork from years and years ago, I came across a personality test I had done when I was 18. It was done by a lovely lady who was trying to help me find out what I wanted to study, after leaving school.

I will not include that exact paper on here, as it was unfortunately done in Greek but I have just re-done the personality test online and I invite all my readers to do one too 🙂 Luckily, I got the same result as when I was 18 which shows the stability of one’s personality.

These are my results:

General personality description for the INFJ:

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

Strengths & weaknesses

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-strengths-and-weaknesses

Relationships

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-relationships-dating

Friends

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-friends

Parenthood

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-parents

Career path

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-careers

Workplace habits

https://www.16personalities.com/infjs-at-work

Conclusion

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-conclusion

I would like to invite all my readers to do a personality test by clicking on this link too.I think this is a great way to get to know other bloggers on a more personal level 🙂

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

So what do you say?

If you do decide to take part, please refer people back to this blog 🙂

Thank you ♥

Any other INJF’S or Diplomats out there?

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by My Child Within-Healing from trauma and Courage Coaching (my work blog). Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Loving parents-Unknown territory..

Today I was thinking about how lucky people are, who are part of a loving and close family..

The type of family you can turn to when something goes terribly wrong. The type of family you know will feel your pain and will offer to help you even if you don’t ask..The type of family that would always put a roof over your head, even if they didn’t have the space or money.

When I am not keeping myself busy, there are these moments of calm where I sit back and imagine how my life could have been if I was lucky enough to have such a family.

As Christmas quickly approaches, my heart aches once again with this deep feeling of sadness.I’ve had this feeling since I was a child.

I know my parents couldn’t have done more due to their NPD, however that doesn’t change that deep longing for comfort in the arms of a loving parent.

My husband unfortunately also shares this feeling with me, although not in exactly the same way. He luckily had a mentally healthy mother who managed to bring him up with integrity, unconditional love and by always putting his needs first. She unfortunately suffered with an autoimmune disease however and was physically suffering when my husband was only a child. His father was not a part of his life so he also never felt this feeling of safety & security. He had to leave home when he was only 12, so his mother’s illness didn’t affect him more than it already had.This was to prevent codependency, which could have been detrimental in his life otherwise. He went to school abroad and lived with 2 separate host families, who sadly weren’t very comforting. He then moved abroad again to live with his half sister, her Dad and his partner in Greece. He managed to finish school there and create some wonderful memories with friends, however nothing seemed to fill that void of ‘missing out’. His mother died when he was in his early twenties and he didn’t have a choice but to just accept it.

Now we are both in our 30’s and we can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to have family like this to turn to. Even as a mentally stable adult, people still need their parents. For those of us however who missed out on a nurturing and stable family home, this is all the more challenging. My own mother tells me how she doesn’t know how she would cope if her mother died. My grandmother is 92 and my mother is 63. This feels incredibly unfair to me..How the hell am I supposed to feel, when I am only 34 and my mother has never even felt like a mother?! She is still a child in so many ways and I had to grow up fast from a very young age. I was also the scapegoat in my family with my brother being the golden child. He was the one with the disability and his needs did and will always come first.

As much love as my husband and I share (which I am incredibly grateful for) this doesn’t make up for the lack of belonging we both feel. It is an emptiness that unfortunately doesn’t go away and all we can do is create a family of our own. We have both decided we don’t want to have children, as we feel a deep sadness about the direction the world is headed in. If we don’t feel safe in it as adults, how the hell are we supposed to protect our children?

We will be hopefully getting a dog next year which we are both extremely happy about and we have agreed that if I ever feel the need in the future to look after and care for a child, then we could consider fostering. I have looked after children for over 8 years and still currently caring for a 4 year old here in Germany who only has his mum. This poor kid is already showing signs of abandonment issues due to his father’s lack of interest in him and he is a wonderful little boy with a brilliant, hard working mum. It gives me immense happiness to care for those in need and I will continue to do so, even without children of my own.

I will leave you with this cute photo of the dog breed we will be getting next year 🙂 Hopefully we can find a rescue dog, as that is always the best thing to do.

Thanks for reading x

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and My child within. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Mental health-Lets keep talking about it

Until I wait for the arrival of my new webcam, I am continuing to create text videos for my youtube subscibers. After having problems with the sound quality on my youtube videos, I wanted to invest in something that would offer my viewers something much better.

As today is World Mental Health Day, I created a video in honour of this day.

I live with mental illness every day and have done for most of my life, so it is important to keep talking about the importance of our mental health..

Much love

Athina ♥