It will be a week tomorrow since I posted my last letter to my father. Although I have no idea when and if my letter to him arrived, his secretary who is also a friend, told me he has already sent me a reply.
I promised myself last week that if I received another letter from him, I would send it back unopened.
In all honesty I am contemplating reading it..
Just to see what crazy stuff he has come up with this time..
Or to see his reaction to my farewell letter…
or to see if he is making any threats about lawyers (which I am worried about).
I am fully aware that by reading his letter again, I will be affected mentally and physically..
That it won’t give me closure and that I can’t trust anything he says as the truth..
That he won’t say anything remotely empathetic or loving and that I will once again be crushed..
So why do it to myself? Why cause myself more pain? Haven’t I had enough already?
It’s going to take a lot of strength to not open it, as I keep wondering whether I will regret it if I don’t read it..
The reality however is that I can’t unread a letter..Once I read it, the words get stuck in my head..
So returning it unopened and unread sends a powerful message..Even more so than asking him not to contact me again..
Trigger alert *****
Last night I had a gruesome nightmare..I felt incredibly guilty because I took part in covering up a murder of a young woman and knowing that her body was dismembered.I have no idea how she died and why. My father was also in the dream although I don’t remember the details of why he was in it either. All I remember vividly is that I was on the run and was trying to stay hidden and safe..I felt scared and I felt guilty..
It was a very dark and unsettling dream..I am pretty sure it is symbolic of what I am going through right now, with the projected guilt I am feeling of cutting ties with him..
I hope I can stay strong and protect myself..
I just want it to finally be over..
Love Athina ♥