It seems that I only seek solace in writing here on my personal blog when I am confronted by new challenges. When my CPTSD get triggered again by new family drama, I seem to crave the need to write..
I come here to write as a way of getting my muddled and anxious thoughts out of my head.
My father suffered a heart attack around 10 days ago and I was the last to find out..
He was unwell for several days before his colleagues convinced him to get help..
Once he eventually went to a small local hospital they rushed him with an ambulance to a big central hospital in Athens.
He didn’t want me to know he’d had a heart attack, so his colleagues told me several days later. Apparently, he didn’t want to worry me!
My Dad apologised back in September for the way he had treated me over the last couple of years since his suicide attempt and told me that he cared. Although I know this apology was mostly threatened out of him by my mother, it is the closest thing I will ever get to closure with my Dad. Sadly, he is severely mentally ill with NPD, obsessions and paranoia. He is a shell of the Dad he used to be and the person who was at least respected and liked in both his business and friendships. He has been wanting to die for several years, ever since his wife started threatening to leave him and take all his money. He has been severely self-neglectful towards himself and even though he finally got a divorce from his now ex-wife, he still needs her attention.
Now that he is in hospital again, I have tried not to go into panic mode and make any rushed decisions.Last time after his suicide attempt, I spent 2 weeks in hospital and psychiatric clinics, getting caught up in all the drama that he had created..and in the end, despite doing my best to support him, he rejected me for acting in his best interests.
Although this time I have gone into hyper-vigilance mode which is unavoidable due to my PTSD, I have been trying not to rush any decisions.
I have known for 5 days that he is in hospital, but due to my work, I haven’t been able to just drop everything and fly to Greece. I have been in contact with 2 people regarding his health and one of them has told me his heart is so damaged that it is only working on 10% of its ability. Due to the delay of getting treatment, his heart is almost destroyed. He will most likely need a bypass but only if his heart is strong enough to handle an operation. Death is very likely, according to the first person I spoke to. His colleague on the other hand has told me that he is stable since being in hospital and that yes, they are indeed waiting on more tests to verify whether he is fit enough for a bypass operation but that generally the doctors don’t know much. The chances seem very slim however. The level of heart fitness has to be at least a 5 and my dad’s heart is at a 4, so there is a high likelihood he will die.
Yesterday I was very sure that I wanted to fly out to Greece immediately to say my last goodbyes but today I have not been too sure. I have also heard that his ex-wife has been by his side non-stop manipulating him again and it has made me feel physically nauseous..Watching her control over him over the years destroyed our relationship and she is still turning him against the people who care about him the most, which is heart-breaking. It is however his choice to still want her in his life, despite the divorce.
I am mentally preparing myself to deal with the toxicity of it all again.
I feel that I have to go there for the bare minimum, which is to say goodbye, in case he dies. The people that have been supporting him have had enough..They want me to take over but I am not willing to do much this time round.. His self destruction is ongoing..
If he obviously dies, then I will have to go out there and stay longer to sort through stuff..
Life feels really shitty right now..and very unfair..
I am in desperate need of relief from this situation with my father..
Whether I will get that when he dies or not, isn’t very clear..
Either way, I have to go and face him one more time and say goodbye..
I love him and am so very sad that his life turned out this way, when it could have been so much better..
I just hope that he finally finds peace and everyone around him does too. ♥♥♥