…and so the final healing begins..
I just sent the last ever letter to my father, the last attempt to make contact…the last time I will ever spend time bargaining and fantasizing in my mind about how to say the perfect words, in hope that he will finally ‘get it’!
The difference this time is that I know he won’t get my words and there is no more hope left.
I also suspect that he won’t understand that this is the end of our relationship and he most likely won’t respect it! He doesn’t understand boundaries or healthy discussion, so it might take him awhile to fully realise what has happened if at all..
Below is what I wrote..
I wrote it mostly for myself, so I could get it off my chest, so I could feel good about my last words to my father..so I could feel empowered..
I received your letter and unfortunately I see that nothing has changed.
You didn’t take the things I wrote to you seriously.
My concerns were of no interest to you whatsoever.
My feelings once again didn’t matter.
The worst of all, is that you once again used emotional blackmail against me to get me to do what you want.
I don’t deserve to be treated this way!
I have been nothing but supportive to you over the years and you obviously don’t appreciate me!
The only thing that you are right about, is the fact that I am cutting off all contact with you from now on.
You aren’t who I thought you were. I no longer have the words to express how saddened I am.
Please don’t contact me again from now on!
Your personal life choices and those choices alone are responsible for the current state you are in.
Love just isn’t enough sometimes.
I don’t feel any different yet..I don’t feel relief..I don’t feel free..I am hoping this will come with time..I am anxious and feeling guilty, which are the side effects of breaking free from a narcissistically abusive parent.
The side effects are similar to those of breaking free from a cult. When you have had constant programming from an extremely young age, it is very hard to remove those words from your mind.The hardest thing for me personally, is the false guilt & toxic shame that narcissists so nastily manipulate into your conscience.
General symptoms of withdrawal from a cult include confusion, depression, disorientation, insomnia, amnesia, guilt, fear, floating in and out of altered states, suicidal tendencies and emotional outbursts. Going ‘No contact’ with an abusive individual has similar effects. I am currently experiencing nausea, depression, false guilt, anxiety & fear. With time I know the intensity of these feelings will pass..
Hopefully now I really have the time and space to heal..It might be that I still get letters in the post or phonecalls, but as long as my phone is on flight mode and I return the letters unopened, he can’t hurt me anymore..
I am hoping that he doesn’t involve lawyers again..Even if he does however, I am in a different country, so I am relatively safe..
I’d like to finish this post with the words of my therapist…
You are the one sitting in the director’s chair of your life. You get to decide who plays a part in your movie and who doesn’t 🙂
Thanks once again for reading!
Hopefully I can continue my day as productively as possible now.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Love Athina ♥