The greatest day ever!

Yesterday, hubby and I drove to a beautiful part of the Rheinland countryside to visit the dachshund breeders we had made contact with. After many discussions about the positives and negatives of getting our first dog, the moral issues and the fact that we will be returning to the UK next year, we decided to go there with an open mind.

Once we arrived, we were greeted by 3 super friendly dogs, who immediately warmed to us and wanted to play. They weren’t dachshunds but they were part of the breeders big dog family. Within minutes, there was a bombardment of loud barking and these 2 gorgeous little dachshunds ran towards us, with these big personalities and tiny little bodies. Needless to say they were absolutely adorable! Our hearts literally melted with love for these little creatures.

Hubby started chatting to the breeder who was a lovely, warm & cuddly retired gentleman, with a kind face, white hair and rosy red cheeks..His wife was the one I did most of the communication with previously but she had completely forgotten about our appointment. It seemed like she had been completely overwhelmed by all the emails she had received from various potential buyers.

We reminded them which puppies we were interested in and they eventually brought out 3 girls from the latest litter. They were in a little washing basket, cuddling on a piece of fabric. They were just over 2 weeks old, so too tiny to really connect with. One of the girls was much bigger than the other two, although all 3 puppies were miniature wire-haired dachshunds. One of the wee girls, who was wiggling around and looking for her mum, was making skin contact with my hubby’s hand..

Although I was very reserved, as I knew hubby had to talk to the breeder and ask as many questions as possible before making any decisions, it was obvious to see that he had instantly fallen in love with the pups and was certain he wanted to put a deposit down to reserve one of them. We have to wait until it is at least 9 weeks old to take it home, so it is fully vaccinated and has it’s pet passport. This works out to around the 20th of September.

Hubby had already arranged to drive back the next day to pay the deposit but with my crap German, I hadn’t even realised that it was a done deal. All that is needed is a confirmation that our flat owners are ok with it but we already know they are very lenient, as there are plenty of animals in the flats surrounding us.

Before we left the breeders, they placed a temporary collar round the puppy girl we had chosen and we discussed whether it was ok to come back and visit her when she is a little older.

We headed home with a feeling of excitement & anticipation.

We continued discussing things further and concluded that now is definetely the best time to have a puppy. I only work part time, which means I have plenty of time to train the puppy through that crucial first year, and although it will be very tough finding a place to rent when we return to the UK next year, we agreed it is a risk we are willing to take. We agreed that I would be the primary carer of the puppy, (doing the sometimes unpleasant early morning walks) and that hubby would help out the rest of the time. We will share the costs as much as possible and most importantly, we will enjoy every minute of our new family member! ❤

Funnily enough, when I lay in bed last night, I actually had a very restless night’s sleep. It was like a delayed realisation that we are REALLY getting our puppy. Worries started swirling around in my head of not being a good doggy mum, having difficulties in training or feeling overwhelmed when the puppy is frightened or crying etc..What if I can’t do it?!

This morning, I went to my therapist to discuss my recent constant nightmares about my mother and for a general catch up, and I told her that I am nervous but very happy about getting our dog. She was extremely excited for me and told me to bring the puppy for a visit when we finally have her.

My therapist has been with me through my journey of recovery for the last 3 years and knows how much I love these little dogs.  We even used the visual image of a wire-haired dachshund in our EMDR therapy many times, which helped combat my fear of flying & eased other ptsd triggers. As I had already anticipated, she said it is completely normal to feel nervous about getting our puppy.

Any big commitment and big life change, brings with it a little anxiety & anticipation.

Thanks for reading!

Love (a very happy & excited) Athina ❤

Doodling after ages..Nightmares are making me feel exhausted

I have been feeling a little unsettled recently..

PTSD Nightmares have creeped in again and have been rather frequent over the last couple of weeks..

Ever since the confrontation with my mother about my brother knowing she is a narcissist (through a little help from me), my subconscious has been trying to process the hypervigilance and tension I felt the day of that call…Although I don’t take my mother that seriously anymore and I am very good at distancing myself from her stern manner & ridiculous threats, my mind is nevertheless brainwashed into being affected…

As much as I am wanting to sustain a reasonable relationship with her, so I can still be part of my extended family on her side, I still have many things that I choose to keep hidden from her as a protective measure.

Dealing with her narcissistic disapproval or anger, is something best avoided as I don’t want to partake in the narcissistic dance of drama that she so desperately craves.

One of the things I was keeping hidden, was of course the fact that I told my brother about her narcissism. That is now out in the open and I managed to settle things right down with her. The second part of my life that is hidden from her is the fact that I have a Coaching certificate, 2 blogs and a youtube channel, which all focus on healing from narcissistic abuse.

These things have been part of my healing journey and are a big part of wanting to give back to others on a similar journey. Spreading awareness of narcissistic parental abuse is something I am obviously deeply passionate about.

I have many parts of my life that I choose to keep hidden from my abusers. This is the sensible thing to do. Now that I am no longer on speaking terms with my father, the only confrontation that may come up in the future, is if my mother finds out about my youtube channel..

Although it isn’t listed under my full name, I do use my husband’s surname instead of my own. This is something she could easily search online and would lead her to my youtube channel. This obviously makes me a little uneasy but when the time comes, I know I will able to deal with it constructively.

I started doodling again recently.When nightmares of punishing looks, abandonment, fear & anxiety start dominating most of my nights, I end up feeling a little disheartened. This is when art becomes my therapy once again…

I feel that my doodle seems a little chaotic, which I guess is a good indication of how I am feeling inside at the moment.

Thanks for reading

Love Athina ♥

 

 

What it feels like..

It is important to let go of the need to try and fix or help your npd/psychopathic parent.

They are not able to change..

They will take you down with them..

They will exhaust you until you have nothing left for yourself..

Always practice self-care and keep minimum or no contact if possible.

Love Athina ♥

Please don’t use this post as your own. Always re-blog and ask for permission if you want to use any of my images.

When the narcissistic parent returns after giving you the silent treatment

A video about my own personal experience with my father trying to get back into my life after giving me the silent treatment. A little advice on how to keep going with ‘No contact’, which is where I am currently at in my own recovery.

Keep going! It is worth every bit of your peace and sanity.

Love Athina ♥

Video about my own journey with Narcissistic abuse, Complex PTSD & how EMDR helped me

This is just a video I did to encourage those of you with ptsd or cptsd to try out EMDR!EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing and it is a therapeutic process which helps neutralise or eliminate nightmares or flashbacks in PTSD or CPTSD.

Love Athina ❤

Intense EMDR session but very hopeful!

This blog post is mostly about a very intense EMDR session I had today, but before I go into detail about it I just want to include the following text about how psychological trauma affects the brain..

The classic fight-or-flight response to perceived threat is a reflexive nervous phenomenon that has obvious survival advantages in evolutionary terms. However, the systems that organize the constellation of reflexive survival behaviors following exposure to perceived threat can under some circumstances become dysregulated in the process. Chronic dysregulation of these systems can lead to functional impairment in certain individuals who become “psychologically traumatized” and suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), A body of data accumulated over several decades has demonstrated neurobiological abnormalities in PTSD patients. Some of these findings offer insight into the pathophysiology of PTSD as well as the biological vulnerability of certain populations to develop PTSD. Several pathological features found in PTSD patients overlap with features found in patients with traumatic brain injury paralleling the shared signs and symptoms of these clinical syndromes.  – http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3182008/

A hallmark feature of PTSD is reduced hippocampal volume. The hippocampus is implicated in the control of stress responses, declarative memory, and contextual aspects of fear conditioning. Not surprisingly, the hippocampus is one of the most plastic regions in the brain. As mentioned above, prolonged exposure to stress and high levels of glucocorticoids in laboratory animals damages the hippocampus, leading to reduction in dendritic branching, loss of dendritic spines, and impairment of neurogenesis.⁴ Initial magnetic resonance imaging (M.RI) studies demonstrated smaller hippocampal volumes in Vietnam Veterans with PTSD and patients with abuse-related PTSD compared with controls.^44–47 Small hippocampal volumes were associated with the severity of trauma and memory impairments in these studies. These findings were generally replicated in most but not all subsequent work. Studies using proton magnetic resonance spectroscopy further observed reduced levels of N-acctyl aspartate (NAA), a marker of neuronal integrity, in the hippocampus of adult patients with PTSD.⁴⁰ Of note, NAA reductions were correlated with Cortisol levels.⁴⁸ Interestingly, reduced hippocampal volume has been observed in depressed women with a history of early life trauma⁴⁹ but not in children with PTSD. ^{http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3182008/}

It’s been nearly a year since my father’s attempted suicide and everything I saw in those first few days in the ICU and his recovery, are still very much present in my mind. My brain has had so much to deal with in regards to trauma and emotional dysregulation. I see this clearly from how I am affected by all the drama in my dysfunctional family for over 30 years. Healthy people don’t have recurrent nightmares, flashbacks, uncomfortable body memories and feelings of fear. Healthy people don’t always feel on edge even when things are going well..Constant drama and trauma wires the brain in a destructive way.Luckily cognitive-behavioural therapy, EMDR & being mindful can really make a difference to how the brain responds. I have already dealt with 3 traumas so far and I am already seeing the positive results. EMDR is incredibly powerful if you give it a chance. I haven’t had a nightmare about my partner abandoning me in at least a month. Before the EMDR, I was getting them every few days.

A great way to think of traumatic memories is imagining they are like wounds. If you don’t clean out the wound really well with antiseptic at the beginning, it will only get more and more infected in time.It is the same with a trauma that hasn’t been dealt with properly. If you don’t find a way to heal the mind and reduce the symptoms, it will just intensify and affect your body in a negative way.

I have been having more and more nightmares recently of my father.The guilt that he projected onto me intensifies in each nightmare and his dark side becomes more and more malevolent..

Today I finally got round to having EMDR on this particulare event in my life and we started off by focusing on the cruel abandonment from my father, after the suicide attempt. I focused on the image of visiting him in his office and having to deal with his complete and utter coldness towards me. I was told to focus on the discovery that he had removed the photo he had of me from his desk and to sit with the emotions that came up. Each time my therapist did the bilateral stimulation my thoughts got more and more intense. I could feel that deep feeling of emotional pain in my chest and tightness in my tummy. I could see my Dad right back in the ICU, all swollen and bruised..It was like I was right back there..At some point I felt overwhelmed..tearful but also scared..I told my therapist that I felt fear..that I didn’t want to feel anymore pain..that I was afraid of what the future might still bring..I don’t want to have to deal with anymore trauma..any more pain..

We continued the bilateral stimulation quite a few times as a lot came up for me..When I was very emotional I was also trying to soothe myself..I was telling myself that I was safe and that I didn’t have to deal with anymore in that moment if it was too much..I imagined being at home, being safe with my husband and was telling myself that I would be ok, that this uncomfortable feeling is only temporary..

Luckily, after 3 more sets of bilateral stimulation I started feeling calmer, a little less focused and in a more dreamy like state..I wasn’t thinking of anything anymore..Just that I was in the therapy room and wanted to open my eyes..

My therapist said that it went well and that there were a lot of memories and feelings to sort through..I must admit I am relieved that this first session is over..Reliving something so painful is truly a challenge..I am utterly exhausted after this session but very hopeful..

I am grateful that this therapist is helping me in such a profound way..

I would greatly encourage EMDR if you feel that you are at your wits end and nothing has worked..Make sure however, that it is a qualified therapist using it on you!

 

EMDR info

How does EMDR work?

When disturbing experiences happen, they are stored in the brain with all the sights, sounds, thoughts and feelings that accompany it. When a person is very upset, the brain seems to be unable to process the experience as it would normally. Therefore, the negative thoughts and feelings of the traumatic event are “trapped” in the nervous system. Since the brain cannot process these emotions, the experience and/or it’s accompanying feelings are often suppressed from consciousness. However, the distress lives on in the nervous system where it causes disturbances in the emotional functioning of the person.

The EMDR Technique does two very important things. First, it “unlocks” the negative memories and emotions stored in the nervous system, and second, it helps the brain to successfully process the experience.

The therapist works gently with the client, guiding him or her to revisit the traumatic incident. When the memory is brought to mind, the feelings are re-experienced in a new way. EMDR makes it possible to gain the self-knowledge and perspective that will enable the client to choose their actions, rather than feeling powerless over their re-actions. This process can be complex if there are many experiences connected to the negative feelings. The EMDR therapy sessions continue until the traumatic memories and emotions are relieved.

Patients who have suffered for years from anxiety or distressing memories, nightmares, insomnia, abuse or other traumatic events can now gain relief from a revolutionary new therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). This powerful short-term therapy is highly effective for a wide range of disorders including chronic pain, phobias, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders and poor self-image, stress, worry, stage fright, performance anxiety, recovery from sexual abuse and traumatic incidents. Many patients who have made slow progress in the past, or who have not benefited from more traditional therapies say that with EMDR they have finally found something that works for them! What problems are helped by EMDR:  loss of a loved one injury of a loved one car accident fire work accident assault robbery rape natural disaster injury illness witness to violence childhood abuse victims of violent crimes trauma performance anxiety stage fright depression anxiety or panic phobias fears childhood trauma physical abuse sexual abuse post traumatic stress bad temper overwhelming fears panic attacks low self-esteem relationship problems brooding or worrying trouble sleeping The EMDR technique is most effective when used in conjunction with other traditional methods of therapy in treating these and many other emotional disorders. EMDR therapy can help clients replace their anxiety and fear with positive images, emotions and thoughts.