After a very tough summer emotionally, I made a deal with my husband to make our time together more positive & light-hearted starting today. Our first year of marriage has been nothing but stressful, tearful, traumatic and dissappointing. Our 1 year wedding anniversary is on the 15th of October and we will be in New York. My husband’s work is taking us there and it will be my first time in the US ever and also my first time on a long haul flight! Eeeek! 😦 Generally though, I am so very excited!
After my narcissistic parents managed to ruin our first year of marriage with their destructive & selfish behaviour, I am determined to not let them ruin our month in New York.
I have struggled so badly with my CPTSD and the double whammy of additional traumas this year. It has affected my marriage and disappointed my husband. He knew I suffered from depression & anxiety when he married me, but he didn’t realise how disordered his parents-in-law were. Despite all my explanations of my parent’s abuse and seeing the occasional weirdness, it has been a big shock for him to see it for himself, especially as he is someone very sensitive & empathetic and had a peaceful upbringing, unlike my toxic one.
It’s like they always say…Nobody can really understand the extent of narcissistic abuse, until they live through it..
So it’s the 1st of September and I am very glad the summer is over..Its been 2 months of no contact with my father and even if I am in communication with my mother, I am trying to keep any conversations, short & superficial..I am determined to keep my parents toxicity at distance for once, even if it means that I switch off my phone or ignore emails. I am determined to make my marriage a priority from now on & also my recovery. I don’t want anymore panic attacks..
I am having my 2nd session of EMDR tomorrow with my therapist to deal with my flying phobia. I am replacing the negative feelings and thoughts I have of flying, with the very happy & calm feelings of playing with a puppy. The positive feeling is supposed to stay with you in the long run, more than the fear or trauma of flying. I was utterly exhausted after the first EMDR session and had a panic attack at the end of that day. I then had a break as advised by my therapist and tomorrow I will be braving the 2nd session. I hope it helps me!
My goals for this month is to focus on my EMDR & hopefully feel better about my 9 hour flight to New York on the 4th of October. Nothing else matters..Nobody else matters..
My husband and I will have a wonderful time in New York and a great 1st year wedding anniversary. It will hopefully also be a little like a honeymoon, as we never had one.
Thanks for reading x ❤