Following from my last post ‘The end of a chapter’, I decided that the only way to stop the phone-calls that my father keeps making to me is to actually tell him that I no longer want any contact.
I never explicitly told him this when we had our fall out. Once he gave me the silent treatment for a year and ignored me coldly when I visited his office, I decided that the only way to protect myself from further emotional distress , was to just not communicate with him.
Unfortunately, after he was over his ‘narcissistic strop’, he started calling me again, the day after my birthday. He has been making many attempts to re-connect with me by phone but has not once apologised for his behaviour or for the harm he caused me.
Now that I finally let go of the flat that we used in Greece, it felt only natural to inform him of this new development and to make sure that he knows that the responsibility for the flat is back with him. It was always in his name, yet he neglected to pay the bills and maintenance costs. Hubby and I were stuck with them and had to pay them yearly.
In my letter to him, I informed him that we have vacated the flat and that a friend of mine will drop off the key at his office. I informed him that he is responsible for paying the 200euro of maintenance costs and that we have informed the person in charge. I have informed him that I no longer feel comfortable using this flat, due to the current circumstances of our relationship.
The most important thing in this letter however, is the fact that I have finally informed him of my ‘terms & boundaries’. I have clearly stated that I do not use my phone anymore and that I do not see the point of re-connecting with him. I told him that I have had enough disappointment in my life in regards to his behaviour towards me. That I will not tolerate a relationship with a father, who is dysfunctional, controlling & a pathological liar. That I will not tolerate a relationship with a father who is also completely controlled by his malignant wife and who has poisoned him against everybody that truly care for him.
I have told him that if he had truly wanted a relationship with me, he would have told his wife that his relationship with me is important.He would have told his wife that he wanted to visit me in Germany all these years, instead of not doing it because she wouldn’t allow it. He would have used his wealth, to spend quality time with his children and treat everyone fairly. He would have explained to his wife that his children are important to him.
Instead, he allowed her to control him and I missed out on 18 years of a ‘normal’ relationship with my father.
Instead, he allowed her to threaten me. Instead he allowed her to talk badly of me.
Instead, he was abusive to her and his children, which in return made her abusive towards him.
Instead, he attempted to take his own life because of the pressure she had put on him financially.
Instead, he still returned to her and lives under her rules, her control and her nastiness.
Instead, he continues to neglect himself, his health, his children, his colleagues and obsesses constantly about money.
In my letter to him I stated that I deserve to have a father who doesn’t have to lie to spend time with me. I stated that on my wedding day, I deserved to have a Dad that was there completely and not a Dad who was freaking out because he had hadn’t told his wife it was my wedding day. I deserved a Dad that wasn’t hiding and worrying throughout the wedding meal.
I stated that I have done nothing but support him all these years and yet he hasn’t been able to put the effort in when it has mattered.
In the last few lines of this letter, I expressed my gratitude for the good memories I have with him and I wished him well.
This was my farewell letter.
I have told him not to contact me by phone anymore.
I am now patiently awaiting the arrival of this letter, so my friend can hand over the key to him. It was sent registered, so I am able to see when he receives it.
If he does not stop calling me then I will cancel my phone contract as a last resort.
This letter wasn’t easy..This letter was discussed with my therapist. By writing a letter however, I am better able to be in control.
I am not expecting a normal response.
I am hoping that it brings an end to the current situation of uncomfortable voicemails.
Thanks for reading