Christmas time isn’t always as cheerful as it is meant to be..It isn’t what you see on tv or in films..It isn’t all happy, with big families, presents and lots of love..It has most definetely not been this way for me..
Christmas is a tumultuous time for those of us with trauma & loss..It is a deeply disappointing time for those of us who are parentless..
This empty hole inside me has resurfaced with even more of a vengeance..
All the depressing thoughts that say ‘I am bad, I am not enough, I am guilty’ are whispering in my ear..How can any child not feel emotional pain when their own parent is not able to love them unconditionally?!
I am missing my Dad at the moment..The Dad I thought I had & hoped I had all these years, until reality really hit me hard last year when he turned against me..
Nothing can ever replace the loss of healthy parents…The bereavement of this sort of loss can last a lifetime because you ‘never really knew what healthy parenting is supposed to feel like’..
This is how I am feeling at the moment..There is a rawness and disappointment..A deep desire to be held by a mother or father who loves you deeply and unconditionally..who accepts you..who wants the best for you..who loves spending time with you..who is able to guide you and comfort you…I still dream about this feeling..
I have seen it in other peoples’ parents and have an idea of what it is supposed to feel like but I just can’t quite hold this feeling in…..because it will never be mine….
I will only have ‘surrogate parents’ out there, who are other older friends who have shown more sensitivity and love than my own parents ever did..and that is still not enough..
To all of my parentless friends and fellow bloggers who are struggling with grief this Christmas,
I hear you and feel for you. It is tough to feel such emptiness..It is tough to have grown up with trauma & emotional neglect…
All I can say is….. hold onto the people that you do have in your life right now and be grateful for the smallest things..for these things help to keep you going..♥
my child within 
❤❤❤
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Thinking of you Athina. Its such a difficult pain to have to carry, all that longing for what you didn’t get and so much needed. I am feeling so low myself today. Sending you so much love and wishing you find some comfort tomorrow. There are no words that can really address the pain but my thoughts are with you. Deborah
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Thank you Deborah! I know you are also suffering! The pain we carry isn’t understood by those who haven’t experienced it! Sending you warm wishes and hugs for this weekend too! Keep hugging little Jasper 🙂 xx
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Aww yes on the afternoon he just climbed on my lap while I cried and cried. Really I needed to cry so much. I needed to be held while I cried. We all need that. I think a lot of the time for me the pain is so deep, its hard to bring it all up alone and its only in and through connection I can. I hope you feel a bit less pain today sweetheart. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you for posting this, you write what I feel especially at this time of year, and many times during the year also. It was my therapist who first validated my feelings and believed in me and I wanted her to be my mom at one point, of course, that was unrealistic, but it was that craving for someone who should have taken the time years ago to do that.
Yes, the pain is difficult to carry and I’ve done that for decades, however, it still hurts every Christmas. Thinking of you, having you only remember pleasant times in your life, do some self-caring and eat whatever you want (it’s the holidays)! Warm hugs, Deb xxx
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Pingback: Parentless at Christmas — my child within – living in stigma
I understand xxxxxxxxxxx love to you 😘
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Thinking of you my friend. Sending tons of hugs and love your way. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Same to you Rayne! I hope you are feeling a little better! Merry X-mas xx ❤
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Reblogged this on Courage Coaching.
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Thank you for writing this! Sending love. ❤ xxx
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I’ve been no contact with my own family of origin for 3.5 years. The agony of this sort of loss is enough to take your breath away. I know your pain Athina. I too have dreamed of how much if must feel to have loving parents. I see other families who are happy and together and it cuts me to the core.
But time does help. As I have come to accept that I will never have a Mother who love me, but since having my own kids and feeling the tremendous amount of love have for them reminds me that the problem isn’t me, it’s her.
❤️
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Hi Nicole, thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share your experience!I am so sorry you also know this deep pain. I guess it will always be a loss but with time you just learn to live with it.I am really happy for you in regards to motherhood being such a positive experience for you.<3 It is definetely NOT that we weren't lovable..it was only because our parents were unable to love! Hugs x
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I think that, for me, it was more than just learning to live with it – it was finding joy and love in other places. It’s also learning to nurture our inner-child in a way that she had never before experienced. Learning to love that little girl paves the way for us to feel happiness as adults. She deserves it! ❤️
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