I’ve had a bit of a tough few days with an unexpected wave of anxiety taking over me..
The lows of being subjected to the silent treatment by a parent is cruel. Deciding to go ‘NO CONTACT’ is practicing self-care..1 whole year of the silent treatment and then suddenly your parent re-emerges hoovering you in by acting as if they care about you, is soul destroying!It is soul destroying because they aren’t capable of true caring and have a hidden agenda.
Yesterday was a tough day as I was tense pretty much the whole day and night..It’s been awhile since I have felt this anxious! I wish I could have cried to release the tension somehow, but nothing..I couldn’t do anything but try to distract myself watching films, tv shows etc..
My narc father attempted contact again on Sunday and I obviously didn’t pick up the phone..He left a voicemail once again asking me how I am..Why on earth after a whole year of avoiding me, would he now want to know how I am? It is simple..Narcs always want something..It’s always about them than it is about you..Allowing yourself a moment of thinking differently is just pointless, as they aren’t capable of loving you..
On the day he called, the anxiety kicked in because I left a whole hour pass before listening to the voicemail..The anxiety kicked in because I was imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios again of him attempting suicide a 2nd time and that the message he left was to say goodbye again….The 1st time was so traumatic for me that I needed EMDR therapy to reduce the intensity of my trauma..and in all honesty, I am still traumatised..because it is still so raw, so recent..The EMDR reduced the symptoms to a more manageable level..
The deep hurt isn’t so easy to reduce though..I am part of this man, he is my father..and yet I can’t talk to him..cos he is a manipulative bully..and chooses to remain in a toxic relationship which has alienated him from all the people in his life who love him the most..The mask has fallen for my father..He isn’t the man he had so easily fooled everyone into believing..The older narcissists get, the worse they become..Once their good looks deteriorate, their opportunities to work lessen and their general health goes down hill, they become even more nasty in their bullying..because they are losing control of the very things that put them in the spotlight..
Yesterday was a bad day..I nearly had a panic attack at 1am after finding it incredibly hard to get to sleep..I managed to calm my breathing and stop the frightening thoughts..
I know that continuing ‘NO CONTACT’ is the way to go but the phonecalls and msgs are still unsettling..Instead of listening to them, I should really delete them..but I am always filled with the dread that he will attempt suicide again..What a nasty thing to control someone with..your own child..
On Friday my husband and I are going to Athens for one last time until we get our new puppy in the autumn..I need to sort out some tax paperwork which has been a real hassle. It isn’t the same anymore being 5 mins away from my father’s home and place of work and the place I grew up in, if I am on edge worried about bumping into him..He doesn’t know we are there (thank goodness) but it is still uncomfortable..From next year, we have decided to just take holidays to the greek islands instead..Somewhere more neutral might be a good solution for awhile..The last time I saw my father he was even skinnier and frailer looking..It is heartbreaking to witness someone you love in such a bad way..
Today is a better day..I am determined to go to Athens and enjoy my time there with my husband and his family, go and swim in the sea and see my friends..I can’t let him take everything away from me. I have to put myself first..