Whenever I have doubts or feel guilty about the way I am currently protecting myself, I remind myself that my health comes first. Whenever I have a moment of happiness and peace with my husband, I remind myself how lucky I am to have found this wonderful man. I am feeling secure and loved for the first time in my life. I also feel like I am finally giving myself enough love and protection. I don’t rely on my parents approval anymore.I don’t need anybody’s approval anymore to be who I am. I have become more self-accepting and more self-compassionate. It hasn’t been an easy road to get here..It has been constant change, commitment, therapy, anxiety & gut wrenching emotional pain..
The reason I am writing this post, is because my father attempted to contact me again from a private number. My heart tells me it was him, as I don’t have anyone else that calls my phone apart from my husband and a friend. Why would someone call me from a private number, if they didn’t want to hide their identity?
I didn’t reply to his first message because I am wary of being sucked into his self-destructive world again. I know that the reason he is contacting me is because he needs me. However, my inner voice is telling me, but ‘You need you Athina”. I need myself more than I need my father anymore. I have been abandoned too many times, hurt too many times to just pick up the phone and talk to him..
I keep reminding myself to stay true to myself, to remember that protecting myself comes first and that even if he is my father, he is a very sick man. My last message to him was one of love before we stopped talking and he ignored it completely. My conscience is clean. I did everything I could. I gave him my unconditional love.
I just called my mother to find out if maybe she spoke to him at all regarding my brother, and I found out (in a sideways sort of manner) that yes, they did speak and that he is back where he was a year ago, with his wife trying to divorce him again. He is moving back down to the basement again, where his deterioration took place last time and he later attempted suicide. The only difference this time is that he is on anti-depressants and he no longer has the support of his friends and family. He pushed everyone away.
As his daughter, my heart will always ache for him. I will wish it were different.
I don’t have the strength anymore to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.Even if he has finally realised that the inevitable is finally going to happen and that I was the one person who stood by him all these years, it is too late.
I love myself more now. I deserve to love myself more now without feeling guilty.
”I am cherishing the freedom to be myself” after 34 years.
Love Athina ❤