Tomorrow is my 34th birthday and I feel a lot older than I am in regards to how my CPTSD affects me..Always tired, always on edge..The older I have become, the less I want to do..I don’t feel like celebrating much.This year is especially difficult as I know I won’t hear from my Dad..I have already been struggling a fair bit over the last 2 weeks, anticipating this day..I wish it was more of a celebration..
Last year on my birthday, I took money from a shared bank account that I had with my father..This was an account he set up, in case something happened to him and I needed access..After his suicide attempt, I took money from it out of sheer worry and panic, that I would have to bail him out of yet another attempted suicide, or his wife divorcing him or whatever other drama..I took the money to protect my father and to protect myself and my brother’s future..
On my birthday last year, I was abused and insulted and spoken to like I was the worst person in the world! My phone was ringing constantly all day long, as my father was asking for his money back. Last year, I was on edge the whole day..I couldn’t even relax with a glass of wine in the evening…No matter how many times I told him that I am trying to protect him and myself, he was having none of it. Narcissists think they know best..They want to be in control, no matter what..Especially with their money! My father always showed love with money..he didn’t know how to say ‘I love you’ because he didn’t feel love..
His money was always more valuable to him than I was..He hid it well and never shared it with anybody..He showed that by discarding me last year, after everything I did for him before and after his suicide attempt..
Tomorrow will be a tough day..and Father’s day on Sunday is just another slap in the face…
All I ever did was support him & love him over the years..He forgot my birthday twice over the years..The last time he forgot it, he remembered to go the bank and deposit a huge sum of money in his savings..on my actual birthday! The date obviously meant nothing to him…Yes he was depressed..Yes he wasn’t coping..and I forgave him..I forgave him all the other times he hurt me over the years with the guilt-tripping, the shaming, the insulting, the lying..
Now I am just grieving a father who is still alive, a father who can’t be a father, a father who is completely and utterly controlled by his gold-digging wife..a father whom I love.. Nothing will never be able to fill this emptiness he has left behind..
My husband hugs me when I cry..That’s all he can do..
Sometimes we just have to get used to living with emotional pain..Emotional pain has been a huge part of my life anyway from a young age..Every single person who grieves a childhood that wasn’t healthy knows what this feels like..
I am sorry for every single one of you who feels this pain..This complicated grief..
I am sorry for myself..
At least out of all the darkness I found my light..I have someone to love me tomorrow..That means so much! ❤
Thanks for reading ❤