Email from my narc mother

***POSSIBLY TRIGGERING***

After having another EDMR session today to deal with the trauma of the ‘critical parent’ and ‘abusive’ parent, in this case my mother, I decided to share the email I used, to bring up the painful emotions of being shamed, gaslighted, the double bind and the awful criticisms. There is even a threat towards the end..

This email is in respone to me telling my mother that ‘I am fed up of her constantly dismissing my feelings and that I feel she hasn’t been a good mother’. That is all I said and this was before I discovered she was narcissistic/borderline/histrionic.These emails were written in December 2014 and now felt like a good time to share them.

In her respone to me, you can see how distraught she is that I would ‘dare’ say such things to her after all these years..I tried in the past to tell her that she didn’t listen but gave up as she would always turn it around and make it my fault..If only therapists back then had told me she is narcissistic.

The text in BOLD is when she gets nasty, patronising and clearly narcissistic..

My comments are in Italic and with stars at the beginning and end..

Hi, obviously I can’t speak to you anymore without getting upset and you feel that you need to cleanse yourself for some reason.

I have done the best that I can over the years for you and have never consciously let you down.

Whatever we have been through together is in the past and I thought we had dealt with it all and moved on.

I have in your eyes got things very, very wrong and you now have decided that I should hear all the things that you want to blame me for.

I am so sorry that you, as a mature women, still need to blame me and that all the help that you have sought over the years has not helped you take responsibility for your own processing.   

  **she is saying that my therapy hasn’t helped me and that is why I am blaming her. My therapy is firstly none of her business and secondly I wish I had never told her about going**

I  had not needed to become involved recently to sort things out and since October I was leaving you to get on with you new married life knowing that you could lean on your husband for any support that you needed.

Mothers are human beings who do the best that they can do for their kids. The kids grow up with memories of some experiences and then depend on their parents for guidance. I would have hoped that some of my help, support and guidance might have served you well over the years. You may have ended up with terrible memories of your teenage years but let me make it clear, I stood up for you every step of the way. I endlessly worked behind the scenes persuading your father that you deserved the best English speaking schooling. I fought for you to be allowed to study abroad even when I sat at other peoples’ parties and listened to your Dad say that he wanted you to stay in Greece and study like he did. I fought your corner when your Dad was chasing you around town after you and we cuddled up under your duvet many times for chat and reiki.

There are so many things that happen that a child can’t remember. There are only their own memories and that becomes the story that they hold in their head.

  **Here she is trying to tell me that my memories are not  valid, as she doesn’t remember things to be so bad**

There is no point in me telling you all this now— it is in the past and you have grown up, gone through therapy and came out the other end a stronger adult who had struggled through so many difficulties. Most of the time I have tried to be there for you but your memories and analysis is always going to be unique to you and I will hold other memories unique to me.

Adults who love and respect each other take complete responsibility for themselves and do not hold grudges and blame.  Oh yes I have made lots of mistakes, yes I have been ill and fought many battles but I take responsibility for who I am today. I blame no one and look at life from a place of what I have learnt.  Even when I have been angry and feeling let down by my parents, I have never spoken to them as you have spoken to me. I do not deserve at my age to be used as your punch bag .  Whether you like me and my actions or not you have abused too many boundaries that no mature person crosses with their Mother. The only fault on my part is that I was never tough enough. Tough Love was something I tried not to do. However that I now regret, as now I see that you are behaving like a pathetic, little spoilt child, ready to blame me as you can’t take it.

** She says she blames no one, however she has always put blame on everyone else but herself..Also note how she has capitalised the word Mother, as if she is some sort of queen.She also made herself the victim by saying ”at my age” (She is 61). Then you can clearly see the criticisms of me as ”a pathetic, little spoilt child” which is ridiculous but is something she has loved calling me all my life. Wanting the love of your mother isn’t something I would call ”spoilt”!

You now have a support network, your husband and your best friend.

I was so looking forward to us all sharing your love, happiness and building many happy years together this Christmas.

I am destroyed by what you have already said. I am disgusted that you think that you can turn around now and say the vile things. I also will be unable to give you the presents that I had bought and I am sad that  I can no longer welcome you to my house.

** She labels the feelings I expressed as ”vile”and clearly states that I am not welcome in her home. I will let you draw your own conclusions on these.**

Like any other MUM, I am allowed my own life, my own home and my own future. I have opened my heart and my house to you many, many times. I realise now that everything has been misconstrued by you and it is a terrible shock to discover this.

I still believe in some very traditional family values which my Mum has taught all her daughters. We are all different, we all bicker and complain about each other but let me tell you, each of my sisters have loving hearts and have always been there for me in one way or another.  I am alone and turning to them, to the family respect for our Mother and the good solid stability that they can offer me. I regret that I did not offer you the same Tough Love that is needed sometimes.

You have choices to make and you have to search deep inside your own heart and your goodness to find your way forward.

Please do not put any of the family in the place of mediator nor ask you cousins to take sides. Please think very carefully about the words that you so desperately  want to say and the impact on whoever they are addressed to.

I understand that you must be in a place of deep despair to be acting the way you are acting and hurting and shocking those who have most loved you in your life.

Ask yourself   “ What am I prepared to  lose?” before you do or say anything else.

**”What am I prepared to lose” -Nice little threat here **

All the family love you and are upset by what has happened between us  You have health, wealth and happiness so please appreciate that and get on with your life.

X Mum

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Below is my response, which took a week for me to send. I didn’t expect anything spectacular to be said in response to this..but just thought you might like to read it..

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12 thoughts on “Email from my narc mother

  1. Wow, you wrote a good e-mail back. I would never be able to do that.

    I hope e-mail contact with her will be nice for you. Keep watching over yourself ok? If she’s hurting you too much, you might need to take a ‘break’ with the contact, although that’s very difficult and painful too.

    Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Mel!Very sweet of you! I hope you are doing ok. I should probably mention that both these emails were from just before Christmas in 2014. I have grieved all of this and just dealing with the trauma side of it through EMDR. We are on ‘superficial talking terms’ now or I am practicing what is known as ‘Gray rock’. I am only sharing superficial things with her and not revealing any emotions other than neutral ones.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh you probably wrote that in the beginning of your post, I’m sorry. I’m quite tired, so I must have accidentally skipped over it.
        It doesn’t change my reaction though. I’m glad you’re doing rather well and are only sharing superficial stuff, so she can’t hurt you as badly.

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing this!!! Several of the sections from your mother’s message could have been copied and pasted from things my mother has sent me: Some of the phrases, and ways of spinning things, are exactly the same! I’m so impressed with the way you’ve stood up to her. Your strength is an inspiration! I’m too afraid of receiving emails from mine at the moment (due to the invalidating responses about “blaming” her), but one day I know it will come to this for me too, and I will turn to this post for support. Keep looking after yourself. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    • Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry you are struggling with that awful invalidation from your mother at the moment! It is such a nasty thing to have to deal with. Both these emails were from December 2014, so not as raw..I had to use her responses in this email to do my EMDR today. It turns out I have grieved so much that my EMDR isn’t bringing anything intense up..Will see…Maybe in my dreams..Look after yourself too..It’s good you are keeping your distance and protecting yourself. We are in it together, even though I wish we weren’t for the reasons we are!hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks mom! (Not really) it feels great to be dismissed, doesn’t it? No parent would ever make their child feel like garbage, especially when they’re already down.

    Kudos for sending the response, although it might benefit you to write letters and burn then as opposed to sending them to a party who will never own up to her failed parenting.

    That way you can get everything out without feeling the sting of rejection. Or you could yell at a teddy bear or picture since neither will require counseling from all of the anger you understandably have within.

    Peace and many blessings!

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    • At the time it felt good to write it, rather than sending it. I knew not to expect much..so I wasn’t dissappointed..Luckily, after all the grief work I have done since that email, my mother can no longer hurt me as I don’t need her anymore..It is like she died then..I grieved the mother I never had and am doing the same with my father now.. I wrote this post mostly to help others going through the same crap and sadly a lot can relate!
      ‘Kick em when they’re down’ is what my mother was best at..Thanks for sharing! All the best x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. this is ludacris. she is really nasty in these emails, you responded well, it was brave of you to even try, you can get nowhere with these sorta people. They just are so caught up in their own fantasies and worlds. XX

    Like

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