Keep calm, it’s Christmas!

Dear friends,

As some of you know I am back home for the holidays. This is my first Christmas and New year without any contact with my father and my 2nd Christmas with my hubby. The latter I am very grateful for obviously, however, as you can imagine the first is very difficult to deal with emotionally. I am missing my father terribly as it’s been 7 months of no contact. My grieving after his suicide attempt and consequent abandonment, seems never-ending. I apologise for tiring out my regular readers if my writing is becoming repetitive. I guess grief and the processing of trauma takes awhile to work through..

How does one get through this emotional rollercoaster called Christmas, when they are already struggling with a sense of fear or emptiness?! Not everyone is lucky to have a happy, loving family or a cosy home. Not everyone knows what it feels like to be loved & appreciated by their parents. Not everyone is healthy & safe..People have had to flee their homes due to war, their family due to dysfunction and with the many crappy things that life brings, there is also illness, poverty and death.

Nobody tells you when you are little that life is tough!

Keeping calm this Christmas is very important for my husband and I as it’s been a tough year. My husband works hard for our little family and hadn’t had a holiday this year. Now is his time to relax in a country we call home but doesn’t quite feel as comfortable anymore. It saddens me that this year there is something missing..It saddens me that I can’t pull my father out of the toxic bonding he has with his abusive wife. It saddens me that I can’t ‘fix’ him and have my ‘old’ dad back..The reality, however, is that my father was always mentally ill and I just didn’t know it growing up. I knew he made me feel ashamed or sad when he shouldn’t have but I didn’t know he was pathologically ill..My old Dad was happier, much more of a joker, who loved playing with us kids.

Since I met my husband back in 2012, my Dad started changing into this sad, desperate man who felt emptier without his addiction of ‘making money’. Workaholics are addicts, and since he was no longer making much money he started falling into a deep depression. The more the years passed and the economy worsened, the more his demanding gold-digger of a wife put pressure on him..this eventually led to him trying to kill himself as he couldn’t bare the pressure anymore and the fact that he was no longer this wealthy, powerful man..How terribly sad…Everyone who cared about him offered support and he took it.He didn’t follow the advice that went with it, however.

Now 7 months after his suicide attempt, he is exactly where he was before it happened but much worse off. He returned home to the sick environment he was used to, and is even more alienated than he was before. He no longer talks to anyone about his private life and is suspicious of everyone, even his own daughter..

No contact is essential when the other is harmful, self-destructive & abusive…

This Christmas I have my husband and he is my family..I have friends who enjoy my company and love me and I have a warm home..I don’t have a father anymore, but I can hold onto the good memories I have of him that make me smile..Nothing can take those away from me..I will always have the houses he built to remind me off his 30 successful years as an architect and I will always have my love for him, as he is my father..I will be saddened to hear anymore bad news but I will know in my heart that I did everything I could to help him..Thank you for reading, if you made it this far…

This Christmas I wish you all:

Comfort in any moments of sadness

Love for every day of this holiday season

Health for the New Year

Courage to keep going

Much love x

My child within

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6 thoughts on “Keep calm, it’s Christmas!

  1. Sending you heaps of love and thanking you for your honest sharing…how sad for your father and even sadder for you knowing there is nothing you can do but take care of you…watching loved ones suffer Ius so hard there are no easy answers and Christmas makes all this much more acute….keep close to the love around you. ♡♡

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    • Thank you so much! It is very hard but all I can do is take care of myself, like you said!The hardest thing is that my brother who has special needs doesn’t really know why my father won’t see him..He doesn’t know about the suicide attempt and all we have done, is try to explain to him that his Dad isn’t well and isn’t the same person anymore. It’s heartbreaking, as he booked flights to come here especially to see him and a week before was told that my father can’t see him at all.Wishing you a calm and Happy Christmas! ❤

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  2. Wishing you happiness and peace and love and just to also say how courageous you are and I hope you’ve had a wonderful christmas with your husband and also just to say you have a great blog! XX Carol anne

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