As some of you know I am back home for the holidays. This is my first Christmas and New year without any contact with my father and my 2nd Christmas with my hubby. The latter I am very grateful for obviously, however, as you can imagine the first is very difficult to deal with emotionally. I am missing my father terribly as it’s been 7 months of no contact. My grieving after his suicide attempt and consequent abandonment, seems never-ending. I apologise for tiring out my regular readers if my writing is becoming repetitive. I guess grief and the processing of trauma takes awhile to work through..
How does one get through this emotional rollercoaster called Christmas, when they are already struggling with a sense of fear or emptiness?! Not everyone is lucky to have a happy, loving family or a cosy home. Not everyone knows what it feels like to be loved & appreciated by their parents. Not everyone is healthy & safe..People have had to flee their homes due to war, their family due to dysfunction and with the many crappy things that life brings, there is also illness, poverty and death.
Nobody tells you when you are little that life is tough!
Keeping calm this Christmas is very important for my husband and I as it’s been a tough year. My husband works hard for our little family and hadn’t had a holiday this year. Now is his time to relax in a country we call home but doesn’t quite feel as comfortable anymore. It saddens me that this year there is something missing..It saddens me that I can’t pull my father out of the toxic bonding he has with his abusive wife. It saddens me that I can’t ‘fix’ him and have my ‘old’ dad back..The reality, however, is that my father was always mentally ill and I just didn’t know it growing up. I knew he made me feel ashamed or sad when he shouldn’t have but I didn’t know he was pathologically ill..My old Dad was happier, much more of a joker, who loved playing with us kids.
Since I met my husband back in 2012, my Dad started changing into this sad, desperate man who felt emptier without his addiction of ‘making money’. Workaholics are addicts, and since he was no longer making much money he started falling into a deep depression. The more the years passed and the economy worsened, the more his demanding gold-digger of a wife put pressure on him..this eventually led to him trying to kill himself as he couldn’t bare the pressure anymore and the fact that he was no longer this wealthy, powerful man..How terribly sad…Everyone who cared about him offered support and he took it.He didn’t follow the advice that went with it, however.
Now 7 months after his suicide attempt, he is exactly where he was before it happened but much worse off. He returned home to the sick environment he was used to, and is even more alienated than he was before. He no longer talks to anyone about his private life and is suspicious of everyone, even his own daughter..
No contact is essential when the other is harmful, self-destructive & abusive…
This Christmas I have my husband and he is my family..I have friends who enjoy my company and love me and I have a warm home..I don’t have a father anymore, but I can hold onto the good memories I have of him that make me smile..Nothing can take those away from me..I will always have the houses he built to remind me off his 30 successful years as an architect and I will always have my love for him, as he is my father..I will be saddened to hear anymore bad news but I will know in my heart that I did everything I could to help him..Thank you for reading, if you made it this far…
This Christmas I wish you all:
Comfort in any moments of sadness
Love for every day of this holiday season
Health for the New Year
Courage to keep going
Much love x
My child within