‘No contact’ isn’t easy..but might be necessary..

As some of you know, I have been on ‘no contact’ with my father for nearly 6 months. In 3,5 weeks I will be returning home but it will be the first time I won’t be seeing him. This hurts like hell as the last time I saw him he had attempted suicide and was a completely broken, vulnerable old man.The last time I hugged him, he was recovering in a mental health clinic. It saddens me that he wanted to die because his gold-digging wife wanted a divorce unless he gave her everything she wanted financially. It saddens me that he neglected his diabetes which caused a hematoma on his brain and has aged him 5 years more than he is.

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Despite everything I did over the last 15 years to be there for my father, he failed to emotionally ‘be there’ for me. He made a choice in the end and that choice was to remain with his narcissistic wife and turn against me. His fear of being abandoned and his own ‘narcissistic mask’ falling off was too much of a burden for him and along with his depression being untreated, he overdosed..

For 15 years, my father and his wife spent obscene amounts of money living it big, showing off and of course being numb to any real emotion,empathy or love. 80% of the time they controlled each other and were nasty to each other, were abusive to their 12 year old boy (my half brother), were abusive towards myself and my brother and finally enough is enough!

I said goodbye to the Dad I so desperately held onto all these years, the day I saw him in intensive care. I said goodbye in case I lost him..and even though he didn’t die, I lost him anyway as he abandoned me once again..I didn’t do what he wanted, so he discarded me like a piece of garbage..

Looking back on my childhood and adulthood, I got to spend some quality time with him and my now husband..We had many nice meals, as he was always generous when it came to food. He had a love of food, as does my husband. We had a few nice evenings out with my half brother too, playing in an arcade and going for ice-cream. I tried very hard to be a good sister to my half brother by modelling ‘healthy behaviour’in the few times we spent together each year, but the control and manipulation of his mother won in the end. I hope the love and sensitivity I showed my half brother was enough to save him from becoming narcissistic himself or to at least question things when he grows up. Maybe one day, when he is free from his parents I will be able to talk to him again..but for now I am keeping my distance from the 3 of them. It’s too hurtful, its too chaotic, its too evil..
I just find it impossible to relate to a lack of empathy as I am a highly sensitive, empathetic person..If someone else is hurting, I hurt too..I feel people’s pain and I want to help..Sometimes though, helping isn’t appropriate anymore..Sometimes feeling your own pain and others’ pain is just too much, especially if they are self-destructive like my father..
For now,
I will grieve a little more for the deep loss of a never having had a healthy parent..I will also however, cherish some of the good times I of course did share with my father..I have many happy memories of fishing, swimming, playing by the beach, summer holidays and goofing around with him when I was younger. My father was a good Dad at the superficial things and the fun things. At least I had that…

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