The visit from my narc mother & the attempt to once again ‘silence’ me.

My mother came to visit me here in Germany for 2 days to ‘reconnect and be close again’, after a huge emotional argument just before Christmas 2014. The last time I saw my mother was at my wedding last October. She was very generous and helped me buy my wedding dress, gave my husband-to-be and I money towards our wedding bands and also gave me a lovely pendant for my wedding day, which I was able to design myself. Things generally went okay and I had been on relatively good terms with my mother in a superficial way.

However, just as most covert narcissists, they can be very hurtful out of the blue with nasty remarks and they aren’t able to be supportive when it doesn’t ‘suit them or benefit them’. I want to study Art Therapy and she said I’m not academic enough or ‘strong enough emotionally’ to handle it, despite my unconditional offer with the university of my choice. My husband and I asked if we could store some plastic boxes in her garage before our big move to Germany, and she said that the garage was too damp and that her boyfriend parks his car in there, as there isn’t other space for him to park his car when he visits. This is a boyfriend whom she has broken up with 10 or more times. I also ‘stupidly’ asked her if I could stay with her for 3 months to earn money for my MA and she of course said that her house was too small and didn’t feel comfortable having me stay..Disappointment after disappointment, criticism after criticism, lack of empathy after lack of empathy etc etc..Too many to list, too much to understand…

Luckily after lots of therapy over the years and my most recent discovery of my parents narcissism, I have finally accepted their disability. It took awhile to accept the reality of their disorder, but unlike them, I am wiser, stronger, more self aware and very happy to have empathy, to be understanding & supportive and to display personality traits my parents could never teach me directly.

My mother arrived in Germany and all was fine. We got home and exchanged our ‘delayed’ christmas gifts that we never gave each other after our argument and we enjoyed a nice evening catching up on family news etc.

However, the ‘serious conversations’ are always part of my relationship with my mother and she started asking me again, whether I had forgiven her and whether ‘all could be positive and nice’ with us again. She wanted me to apologise for the hurtful things I said to her “that she wasn’t a good mother and didn’t support me’ and she also wanted me take back my expression of ‘healthy’ emotions. I know that a narcissist can’t handle different opinions, or opinions that aren’t what they believe about themselves. They do everything they can to manipulate and change your opinions about them, by making you seem like ‘the weak one, the pathetic one, the too sensitive one’…

I tried telling my mother that I have accepted things as they are with us and that we will never agree on certain behaviours, but she kept pushing me to ‘ change my thinking, to stop my ‘wrong’ feelings and to only focus on the good of my childhood and not the bad.

Just before she left on Thursday she brought up the same stuff again even though I told her that we don’t have to constantly go over things, as I feel I have accepted things as they are. The problem is that narcissists have an inability to ‘accept’ things about themselves that they aren’t comfortable with. She can’t accept that I disagree with her and get frustrated when she pushes me. She can’t accept that I have sensitivities and am not ‘enough’ or strong enough, as SHE perceives me.

This was an email she sent to me after she finally arrived home: It is very important to notice the wording I have added in bold and worst of all the ‘website link she added to her email, which is just ridiculous. The language, is exactly how my mum speaks..and it shows the lack of empathy towards me on my journey of healing, grieving and moving on. I only ever expressed my ‘blame’ towards her once or twice in my life, during very emotional moments where I couldn’t stop crying and my husband had to hold me in his arms.

‘Please grow from your experiences and be determined to be a better person, strong and positive. This is the only way we can move forward. The article below is sent from a place of love . How you receive this is completely up to you’.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/if-your-childhood-sucked-its-time-to-stop-blaming-your-parents.html?ref=e

‘Dear Parent Blamer,

Firstly, let me say, stop it!

It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.

To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem.We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviours and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion.

No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger, vitriol and resentment, I’m telling you (1) it serves no positive purpose (2) it will hurt you more than them (3) stop being a big, immature, stupid baby and (4) you and only you, are responsible for your current reality – no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you. etc’

I generally don’t disagree that at some point, blaming others can keep you stuck in a rut and be used as an excuse so you don’t take responsibility for your life or move forward. You can actually be stuck as a victim for awhile, as this prevents you from possibly doing things that are uncomfortable or painful, in order to grow.

However, in my mother’s case and my relationship to her, I had a very long, lonely, uncomfortable, depressed & extremely anxiety filled life so far, and never knew why. Not being able to express my emotions because my mother didn’t and still doesn’t want to hear it, is damaging. Not being able to grow and develop in a healthy way, is also damaging. Being constantly criticized and called pathetic, weak and too sensitive is also damaging.Being told to be ‘a better person’ is not good.I am already enough and already growing in strength. Saying that ‘the only way that WE can move forward’ if I am doing what SHE wants or is comfortable with is also wrong. In order to get over a lifetime of abuse, you have to grieve ALOT and it’s ok to grieve and talk about grieving, and feeling the pain. She thinks I am the weak and pathetic one, however she constantly projects her own uncomfortable feelings onto me and says ‘inappropriate’ things a parent should never say.

I will never keep quiet and not express my true feelings because she or my father doesn’t like it.

I will never keep the abuse hidden, or ‘snap out of it’ or ‘stop being angry’.

I have every right to my anger, my pain, my sadness, my disappointment and my frustration.

I suffer daily, I have nightmares, flashbacks,I can’t sleep properly, I have back pain, panic attacks, low confidence, complex ptsd and it’s just not fair! I was only a child and now I have to deal with this. I don’t want to feel the way I do, or talk about such painful stuff or be so serious. I want to laugh more, have fun more and be confident!

So FUCK YOU or anyone else out there for telling me to NOT FEEL what I am feeling.

I am in therapy, I am using art, I am helping others on their journey and I treat people in a respectful and caring manner. I am not perfect and I am ok with it. I deserve happiness and so does every other survivor of abuse out there.

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27 thoughts on “The visit from my narc mother & the attempt to once again ‘silence’ me.

  1. Glad for your courage and strength! I have received similar e- mails and ” talks.” I am sorry for your situation but you are not alone! I also use my art to bring out all that I had to hide or deny within myself. Thank you for sharing this!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so sorry, my dear friend. I know just how much this hurts, but I’m so glad you can see the TRUTH of the situation. HER situation. She does not have the capability to be reasoned with. You’re right – that email (and link, especially) is absolutely ridiculous. Anyone in their right mind would tell you the same thing.

    You know, I’m surprised, but then again, I’m not. The more I read about your experiences, the more I come to expect this faulty, damaging, abusive, one-sided, and blatantly narcissistic behavior from her. She is so far gone, so “in it,” that it’s actually really, really sad. She is severely ill, but that does not excuse her “brainwashing” types of behaviors or the damage they have created in your life.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I doubt it was easy, but I’m glad you’re getting all of this out – cleansing yourself from all of this negativity. I see SO MUCH of what you wrote in my life. Isn’t it interesting that once you see it for yourself, you cannot “unsee” it? Things begin to make sense, and as much as you don’t want to believe it – you have to – to protect yourself from further damage. And then you begin to pick up on things as they unfold – things that you might not have noticed before because you were so accustomed to them. They were once your only sense of normalcy.

    Your feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and disappointment are COMPLETELY valid. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do. God, I can’t imagine how hard that visit must have been. But… You survived it!

    I hope you can continue to create even more healthy boundaries. It seems like once she gets her foot in the door, she’ll do everything in her power to push her way in. That’s not okay. So, keep holding strong. You’re doing a really amazing job!! I’m soooooo proud of you!! I’m with you in this “good fight,” and I always will be!!

    Much love sent to you, along with GIANT, reassuring hugs. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, thank you my dear friend!For always being there! I felt like I had to write it all out to get rid of the poison of those written words and what she said..It still hurts when she says the things she does..so writing about it, is good..to get it out..
      Your words ”you begin to pick up on things as they unfold – things that you might not have noticed before because you were so accustomed to them. They were once your only sense of normalcy. ” This is so true..I notice everything when she talks…whereas in the past, I had no idea..it just confused me, hurt me..By observing, it helps protect me a little more than it used to when I had no idea!Huge, enormous, gigantic hugs to you too for all the moments you have felt this awful pain you can so relate to. Much love.xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, what an experience with your mom. And the hurtful things she says! I loved your statement “…unlike them, I am wiser, stronger, more self aware and very happy to have empathy, to be understanding & supportive and to display personality traits my parents could never teach me directly.”

    I believe my mom is also a narcissistic personality, amongst other things. I am so glad that you have an understanding of how to deal with her. Keep your boundaries and if you ever need to talk, let me know.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much. Most abusers are narcissistic or psychopathic..at least somewhere on the spectrum..I am happy that I have empathy and am so grateful for the things I have learned, however sometimes I truly wish I could numb the emotional pain I feel..I have successfully managed to go through life without abusing drugs or alcohol. I have just used anti-depressants and the odd tranquiliser when things were really bad..It’s comforting to speak to so many kind souls on here. I really appreciate you reaching out!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you so much. I also made it through life and only have legal vices. No drugs, occasional alcohol. I feel fortunate. That being said I still don’t care for myself in ways I should. I try to numb myself with food mainly. I’m also pretty damn good at dissociating and I struggle on a daily basis to just function as a “normal adult”.

        I’m pleased to hear you have learned so much. Keep on that track. It may suck at times but to rise above is the best thing you can do (even if it’s so hard to feel).

        Liked by 1 person

        • Food & sugar I guess are my vices too. I used to be a heavy smoker from the ages of 15 up until I was 21-22 but luckily no more. I also haven’t been very good at exercising, as don’t like sweating too much cos it causes me anxiety. I do try and walk everywhere though, sometimes cycle and do gentle stretching.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Anything salty here… when I was 8 I went away with my grandmother for 3 weeks. During that time my uncle Bill gave me endless bags of potato chips. I gained 10 lbs, which was a lot on my (then) tiny frame.

            I came home and the first thing my brother said to me after I got off the plane was “my sisters head came home on a fat girls body, what boy will want you?”. I’ve been comforted by my “armor” ever since.

            But I have a child… I’m battling for my health, if not for me then her. And on many days I feel as though I am losing.

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          • I am sorry to hear that, it is very tough to find comfort in food and to also limit the yummy, tasty stuff..I’m sorry to hear things are so tough…Find comfort as much as you can on here! WordPress has kept me sane!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. So much of your post resonates. I only learned about my parents narcissism in the last few months in therapy. I chose no contact, but with the view of maybe trying to have a relationship when I am strong enough to deal with this sort of behaviour you are being subjected too. My mum was once an overt abusive narc, but now it’s tamed to covert and quite honestly the latter is worse. The trouble with having compassion and understanding is that our patience can only stretch so far and when the narc insists on having it all their way, well, that’s real tough. I take my hat off for your efforts

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Cat! I really wish it were that easy for me to go no contact with my mum as well, but she has a huge family and also because of my brother’s disabilities, cutting her off isn’t an option for me. What is an option, is spending small amounts of time with her, on my terms! Ignoring emails that have covert nasty messages, keeping things superficial and trying not to share too much.I have been told that once I have completed grieving for my parents, I will no longer find things hurtful! I am getting there, but it still will take time..So sorry to hear you have also had to suffer such abuse. Big hug!

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      • I’m fortunate to have a very small family, but no contact for me meant with all of them, which is unfortunate, but necessary while I go through therapy. They have this gift of “triangulation” and it only impacts on relations with those who are around her daily. I may well reach the stage of being able to deal with both my parents as well as you do with your mum, well done!
        When you say once you finish grieving for your parents you’ll no longer find things hurtful… do you mean grieving for the parents you never had?

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Lots and lots of love to you! I guess you must have reasons not to cut her out of your life, but I have no idea how you do it. Go follow your dreams, and f**k her and her critical b**ch opinion. You got up from everything that happened, and are working to make your life what you want it to be. It would be great if she actually wanted you to be a better person, by, say, not holding you back from things you want to do, nor trying to completely crush you, but you’re already amazing, and you’re totally right: You deserve happiness. Also, I love reading your blog and the helpful things you write, and you helped me enormously when you suggested that I learn about codependency. xxx

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    • Thank you so much! I have no idea how I do it either. It is still painful but because of my brother’s disabilities and the fact that my extended family is all on her side, it is very hard to cut her off. She needs me more than I need her as she is so incredibly fragile under her false bravado..I like her younger sister’s family a lot as they are the most down to earth, humble family I have.If I were to cut her off, I would most likely lose them. It’s just too complicated..
      Thank you for your kind words!

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      • I can relate a little because I have problems with my mother and not wanting to cut her out, both because I worry I would lose my brother, and because I don’t actually want to hurt her: I want to stop her from hurting me. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I wish you all the best.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. “In order to get over a lifetime of abuse, you have to grieve ALOT and it’s ok to grieve and talk about grieving, and feeling the pain.” This is very true unless you’re talking to the person who inflicted the pain in the first place.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Roberta! I indeed know about all the projections very well. I try to observe her when she talks, which I never used to do. She hopes she can affect me like she used to, but I am not letting her. It helps to observe her words, as it creates some distance for me..

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  7. It is retraumatizing when people say things like that. I sometimes get comments on my youtube channel that make me wonder why the person watched the video at all.
    Why do people seek out posts and videos about narcissistic abuse just to tell us it does not exist and that we are big babies?

    I can only wonder if these are narcissists? Who else would be spitting up vile vomit all over us?

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    • Thanks for your comment. I am on low contact and luckily live abroad, so all is good at the moment. I have also grieved extensively for the lack of healthy parents and no longer feel that I need her validation or attention. It has given me a new sense of freedom. I am not able to go no contact due to the fact that I have a brother with special needs and need to communicate sometimes about his needs.

      Liked by 1 person

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