My husband is currently in New York with work and so far it’s been a week since he left. This has also been the longest we’ve been apart and we have another week to go.I don’t mind being on my own in general but I hate sleeping alone since we’ve been together. I have had separation anxiety in the past when he left, but since being back on my anti-depressants the anxiety is much more bearable. My art is also helping a lot luckily.
I guess the hardest part is that I am on no contact with my Dad, as his suicide attempt and his continuous neglect pushed me to my limit. My complex trauma has worsened because of this and my husband was also deeply affected by his behaviour. He had never dealt with narcissistic people before he married me so we had a joint therapy session so my therapist could explain the personality disorder to him in an easy way to understand. After threats from my Dad’s lawyer and big arguments in June, this last month luckily has been much calmer. I am however always on edge in case something happens again. You would have thought I’d be used to my parents narcissism after all these years but the reality is you never get used to it. You just get further and further traumatized until you decide to accept it, heal from it properly and keep your distance.
Having ‘no contact’ with my Dad means that my disabled brother can’t go out to Greece to visit him because he doesn’t have any support without me. We have a studio flat out there that my Dad supplied for us, because we couldn’t stay at his home due to his chaotic life.This flat is only available because someone owed my Dad money but went bankrupt, so the only way he could repay him somehow was to provide his flat rent free. However, this flat will be taken by the government at some point in the future so then we won’t have anywhere to stay! The problem is, that due to my Dad being so irresponsible and not having paid the bills for 1 year, my husband and I no longer allow him access to it anymore. He doesn’t know that yet but we changed the locks and he doesn’t have the key anymore. My brother would always visit Greece separately to me, and would stay in this flat. My Dad would always take breakfast and lunch to him and give him money for snacks. Now that we no longer want Dad to access this flat, it makes things crap!My brother has epilepsy and a low IQ and needs looking after like a young boy. He is actually 35 but will always need extra support. He has no idea my Dad attempted suicide as he wouldn’t be able to handle the complexity of it. He also attempted suicide a few years back under my Dad’s care and hasn’t been able to understand how neglectful my Dad can be. I sometimes wish my brother was normal, so I could talk to him honestly about our family problems. He is too vulnerable however.
I still have moments where I am angry at how unfair life has been to me. I only had 2 parents and 1 brother and I have never been able to rely on them emotionally for anything. Instead it was always the other way round. Now I am 33 and have been picking up the pieces of my emotionally starved life since I was a kid. I know there is a lot worse happening in the world and I am always grateful for the things I did and do have. This still doesn’t change the fact that I have to live with trauma and depression however and sometimes it really does suck!
I still don’t have a proper career, as my art career was always going to be a challenge. If only someone else had guided me when I was younger and told me what might have been better for me long-term, then maybe I would have made better choices. My parents stifled my normal growth & my development of a separate, healthy self. Both of my parents were emotionally immature & disordered, so they obviously weren’t able to guide me in an appropriate manner. Luckily I still have time to make things work a little better hopefully.
I will end this blog post on a brighter note with photos of my colourful hangers from my etsy page: https://www.etsy.com/shop/mypapercave
If you like them, then pass them on and feel free to comment or ask me any questions.
Take care my friends x