Narcissists and their relationship to money

Most of us would love to have designer clothes, delicious food, exquisite jewellery, a nice car or an extravagant home. Usually this is partially achieved through working hard and very possibly treating ourselves occasionally to something extra special. Most healthy people, remain quite humble in their possession of money and are still able to have loving, mutually giving relationships. They are not focused on showing it off or using it to control others.

On the other hand, many narcissists are obsessed with money. They spend a lot of time thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it and how to hide it from others including family members and partners. Money substitutes love and affection for narcissists. Being authentic and human takes a back seat. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtaining more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled & superior to others. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not done as well as them. It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit. They are deeply controlling with their money and even when they think they are giving money to ‘help’ family or friends, it is actually done in return for constantly having loyal followers. In intimate relationships, (marriages) they are financially abusive and make sure that they are ‘completely in control’ of the finances as much as possible. They have bank accounts scattered all over the place, and even if they do share bank accounts with their grown children or partners, they make sure that they are the only ones that have access to the bank details or credit cards.

In my personal experience, when narcissists get to a point in their life where they might lose some of their money, through a divorce or through a financial crisis, they get extremely depressed and even suicidal. If they suspect that a family member knows details of bank accounts or has access to credit cards, they get extremely paranoid and believe that all their money will be stolen.

When a narcissist uses money to control their partner, and that partner decides to leave them and threatens to take their money, they become desperate, more aggressive and make bigger threats.

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These are some examples of financial abuse:

  • Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.

  • Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.

  • Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.

  • Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.

  • Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.

  • Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.

  • Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.

  • Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.

  • Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.

  • Giving you presents and/or paying for things like dinner and expecting you to somehow return the favor.

  • Using their money to hold power over you because they know you are not in the same financial situation as they are.

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Narcissists cause chaos and are emotional vampires. They cause destruction and stress to their loved ones. They create problems through poor money management or by getting involved in illegal money transactions. Their greed is insatiable and they will go to any lengths to obtain more.

I am the daughter of 2 narcissistic parents and have watched them use money to control & threaten. I have also watched them make ridiculously stupid choices due to their greed to have more.

If you are currently involved with a partner who does any of the above, please get help and leave now and don’t accept money from these people. Stay detached as much as possible. Talk to a close ‘safe’ person in confidence about your situation and ask for help.

Please take care.

If you have any questions or want to share you story, please leave a comment below.

Lots of love x

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5 thoughts on “Narcissists and their relationship to money

  1. You have explained this perfectly. When both of my parents were still together, we were financially able and this was evident even from looking at how our house was furnished. My narc mum would always bring visitors over with the sole intention of letting them see our house. Then she would smile satisfactorily at how awed her visitors were by our house then later brag about it including to my sister and I. When my dad left, we tumbled financially, lost every earthly possession in the process due to my mum’s stupid choices with money and had to move in with relatives which we still reside with till date.
    My narc mum has never recovered from our financial ruin. She started by neglecting her appearance unlike in the past when she had always been very particular with her appearance. She shut out some of the friends she had while we were financially able and would frequently vent her frustrations to my sister and I.
    Another thing with my narc mum is that she has always been selfish with her money pre and post divorce. It was hard getting her to lend us pocket money, take us to hospital when ill, pay for our education and the likes. Surprisingly, she would always buy us expensive clothes or stylish clothes so that other people could see how much of a good sense of style she had.
    My narc mum has constantly refused to get out of her comfort zone and failing business to try something more profitable. Mostly because making financial sacrifices for her children has never been her thing. Funnily enough, whenever my sister and I make any money, she salivates it and demands that we give her since she has raised us. Her demands for money from us are always laced with her manipulation tactics, sense of entitlement and desire to take us on a guilt trip. She will never humble herself and borrow money from us neither will she politely wait for us to set aside finances for her as is ever our intention, instead she will make outrageous demands and throw a fit when she senses hesitation from us
    In recent times, I have finally discovered this never ending greed in her when money is involved and it is downright irritating.

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    • Thanks for sharing your experience here.
      I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the fall out of all this carelessness with money that narcs are so good at! It is so ridiculous and it’s worse than a child with pocket money! I have never had my parents ask me for money,(although had my mum’s envy ) but just watching the controlling and abusive behaviour of my father with my mum and now his 2nd narcissistic wife is just horrid. Both my parents would be much more financially stable now, if they hadn’t made poor choices in the past due to their greed of getting more. Luckily I am not like them and value money in a different way to them. I am grateful when I have it and much more careful with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Now that I read your piece. My husband is forever thinking about the future. Our future, our kids future in terms of how money should be distributed and accumulated. He claims he hates money as he spends as much as he makes yet there is always a need of more. And the lying….

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      • Yes your posts help me understand the way a Narcissist’s brains work. As long as I can figure out how his brain works, I can understand why we have both complemented each other and how I can maneuver a way out of it. Take your time, my blog has so many topics throw in, but the main focus is my husband.

        Liked by 1 person

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