Yesterday was an especially difficult day..It is heartbreaking to realise that your own parent can manipulate you, lie to you and even pay a lawyer to threaten you to get back a small amount of money.
Before my Dad attempted suicide more than a month ago, he was crying down the phone to me about how horrible his financial situation was and how horrible his wife was being to him, threatening to leave him if he didn’t build a house for her. Everything was awful, he didn’t trust her and she was the bad guy. 2 malignant narcissists in a marriage together equals a war zone! He overdosed on pills and was found in a comatose state in his office 10 hours later. The shock of finding this out is more than enough to deal with!
After my dad started recovering in hospital, I supported him through all his worries. He was worried his wife would steal his money when he was in hospital, so he asked me to cancel all his credit cards. He was worried she would take a certain amount of money from his bank, so out of an act of good will, I moved the money to a separate account. To protect him and myself. This was a shared account I moved the money from, which I have equal right to. He added my name to several accounts in case something happened to him. I have never used that money or even knew about how much was in there until recently. When I moved the money to the separate account, I consulted my therapist who had met my Dad and referred him to a psychiatrist when he was really struggling. She told me that he went to the psychiatrist but didn’t follow any of his advice. She warned me that he is dangerous due to his impulsive behaviour. She also told me that it was my duty as his daughter to move money out of his account , to protect him from his compulsive, self destructive actions. She then told me that when my Dad was a little more ‘stable’, I could then tell him that I moved that money and that I will keep it safe to help him out in the future.
My dad was out of the hospital in a week and out of the psychiatric hospital in another week. We all advised him that it was in his best interest to not return to his family home and stay somewhere neutral to recover further from his depression, as his wife isn’t able to support him without an ulterior motive.(taking all his money & assets). The doctors in the psychiatric clinic also advised that his home wouldn’t be the best place to be, as that is what led him to the suicide attempt.
When my Dad found out that I had moved the money he called me and said he was shocked and didn’t expect me of all people to take his money. I explained to him that I did it to protect him as he is vulnerable and isn’t able to make good decisions. He was understanding at first but of course that didn’t last long. He repeatedly pestered me for over 2 weeks to get his money back. I kept explaining to him that I was acting in his best interest after advice from 2 psychologists and all his close friends. That didn’t matter!He came up with every excuse he could think of to get it back. A week later some other money was available in our shared account, which I also took about 1/5th of and moved it to a separate account that wasn’t in his name. I made sure that he still had enough money in his account to live of for the next year if he needed to but I also moved this money without telling him first. I can understand on one hand that if a father sees his daughter moving money around without consulting him, this can make him suspicious. I can also see that if the person he suspected all along of stealing his money (his wife) didn’t actually use any, then this will suddenly make her the good guy and me the bad guy!
Everybody that knows me, trusts that I would never hurt him and also that I have never asked him for money for anything. His wife on the other hand, equates money to love like he does, so its funny that he chooses to trust her and not trust me. He called me over 100 times, bombarded me with txt msgs, voicemails demanding his money back and shamed me by saying he can’t believe I want him to suffer. He threatened me with suicide again and that it will be my fault this time if he does it! I kept explaining to him that he is vulnerable, he isn’t thinking straight and that my intentions are good. That I am keeping this money aside, in case something happens again (his wife threatens him with divorce again or actually leaves).
If you take control of something that belongs to a narcissist/psychopath then there is hell to pay! Especially if this person uses money to buy love & to control people and even more so because he feels worthless without it. My dad has 2 major weakness. His money and the fear of living alone.
Anyhow, after threats, tantrums & guilt tripping he eventually told me that his wife found out about the money I took and that she was threatening to tell the police he beats her, if I don’t send the money back. He said that she wanted to get a lawyer to call me and ask for the money back, otherwise she would get him admitted to the psychiatric ward. I don’t know what to believe or not, but I still insisted not to give him back the money and that his best option was to leave his home and go somewhere neutral to some friends. He didn’t want to leave his home and didn’t want his wife to leave him. Instead he decided to get a lawyer to call me and ask me to send his money back. That what I have done is illegal, as the money was his, despite the fact that it is in a shared account. It didn’t matter if I acted out of concern for my dad or if my intentions were good. It also didn’t matter if he is emotionally unstable or vulnerable. What I had done was wrong according to the lawyer.
Needles to say, I was deeply disturbed that my dad resorted to this. To get a lawyer to scare his own child! To allow his wife to manipulate him and tell him I am a bad person for doing what I did…I confronted him and he said she blackmailed him into doing it. I told him that he made a choice, no matter how it was done. He could have left the house and protected me from all this craziness, but instead he decided to stay and listen to his wife. This is a wife he has cheated on, thrown out of the house numerous times, taken her back with promises, cheated on her again and controlled her with money. She on the other hand controls him now, by making threats to leave him or lock him up, unless he gives all his assets to her. I found out from an office colleague of my dad’s that he is re-writing his Will & Testament and that my name was absent from it completely. Before he was going to leave a few things to me, so I could equally share them out between my two brothers.
I have been used & discarded by my father, just as every narcissist/psychopath does. I supported him for years through his ridiculous dramas, even though I didn’t really want to. I never agreed to his marriage to this woman and we all warned him of the dangers. I told him I was deeply hurt by his actions and devastated by his suicide attempt but his response was: ‘My pain is bigger than yours’…You hurt me more!
I have now returned some of his money as it is not worth losing my sanity over him anymore. I have also consulted the bank and a lawyer of my own, to find out what he could possibly do to me. I live abroad so even if they did go to the police etc, it wouldn’t be that simple. I knew my Dad was dysfunctional and a misogynist. I knew he wasn’t capable of understanding certain normal things. I had seen glimpses of love and sensitivity over the years as his children were the only thing that could bring out his nearly non existent intimacy. He was generous and always showed his love to me, by giving me money on my birthdays & Christmas. I had always wished that he would write me a card or something a little more emotional.I have never had a birthday card from my Dad. I have barely ever had ‘I love you’s’ apart from just before his suicide.
Now I have to let go, move on and say goodbye once and for all. I will not be seeing him again. I am utterly devastated but I have to finally put my needs first!
If you have a story to share that is similar to mine, then I would love to hear from you. I have so much experience now with the pain and shame inflicted by narcissistic people, that I am happy to offer an empathetic ear and any advice that may be useful. My art work from yesterday is slightly disturbing..Very different to before..It served its purpose though..To keep me sane for one day!
Thank you for reading & love to you all!