I have always wondered why some people have a better capacity to look inside themselves and have the courage to change their flaws, whereas others are just not able to at all.
Why is this? Are they too scared? Too focused on the wrong things? Are they just too obsessed with appearing perfect to the outside world? Do they have such a terrible need to fit in or is it to protect their fragile inner self? Usually a lack of empathy can cause people to keep hurting others and disorders such as psychopathy or narcissism make people flawed when it comes to self-reflection.
I think we all have a fragile, scared part which we sometimes conceal but we are usually able to share this part of us with those closest to us. It is also normally something that doesn’t affect most people and they can still have relatively normal lives despite this.
It is never easy to hear the truth about ourselves if someone tells us repeatedly. It can hurt very deeply. We have to be able to handle constructive criticism or advice. We have to able to make mistakes and learn from them not repeat them until we are old and wrinkly. I guess its okay if we aren’t good with self-reflection as long as we are not hurting anyone. At the end of the day, if we aren’t able to change self-destructive patterns, it is ourselves we are ultimately hurting.
I believe that people have to have courage to be able to change their destructive behaviour or maybe to be pushed to the limit and be desperate enough to have to do this. In my case, I knew I had suffered a lot of trauma and I knew that I was choosing partners that weren’t healthy in the past, but i just didn’t know how to change my pattern of behaviour. Once I understood my past better, I was able to help myself, with the support of a therapist.
Not everyone has the courage to talk to a stranger & persevere through the ups and downs. I have always been driven by the hope of one day being more happy. Hope still drives me, even though I still have my weaknesses. I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am a dreamer though and wish all people could be self aware and stop destroying lives and hurting people around them. I wish more people were better able to treat their childhood trauma and move forward in a healthier way. I know it’s not my role to ‘fix people’. I let go of that need..I am more focused on protecting myself in any way possible.
I am still hurting from the pain and trauma inflicted on me by my parents. I have accepted they will not change though, so all I can do is focus on changing myself, sticking to my boundary setting and not felling guilty for their suffering.
Currently my Dad is threatening to kill himself again, if I don’t return his money. He is saying ‘ I’m sure you don’t want to be the reason I do it this second time?’. What an awful thing to say to your daughter.. He is threatening, manipulating, lying, using every extreme thing he can think of to get me to do what he wants.
I will not! It is killing me inside..I have to admit that my ‘child within’ is screaming with pain of abandonment, trauma & stress but I have to protect my husband and I from his crazy self-destructiveness.
I now believe my Dad is a malignant narcissist. He lies so much he doesn’t remember what he has said and he is so paranoid.
If he does manage to kill himself this time round, I will be devastated. However, I will be able to grieve properly this time and I know it won’t be my fault. This man hasn’t wanted to change or help himself. For 25 years he has tormented my mother and now his current wife, who although are also narcissistic/histrionic types, at least didn’t enjoy causing so much pain.
….I am hurting & I am sad..but I am growing in strength and practicing assertiveness & self-care more than I have in the past..
I am hopeful that things will eventually be okay..