I am having an increasingly difficult time at the moment dealing with my ptsd symptoms after my Dad’s suicide attempt. It was exactly a month ago today that he made the attempt & I still can’t quite believe it..
I am angry one minute, depressed the next & really anxious as time passes as I don’t know what to expect next…
My levels of hyperarousal are so high that I am already on edge about the next trauma that might come my way…I hate it! I hate that I have to suffer so much & that it affects my life so much…I hate that I can’t function normally & that emotionally I am always on edge…
I started anti-depressants a month ago and they were really helping take the edge off my symptoms..Especially the grief & hopelessness associated with my mother being narcissistic (I only realised before Christmas that she was a covert narcissist after a huge argument). Now with my Dad’s attempt to give up on life, (because his grandeur image of himself was crumbling) I felt the ultimate abandonment a daughter or son can feel. I mean I have been abandoned emotionally over & over again from both my parents & as much as it hurt each time, I didn’t know any better..Now though it’s different..Not only is my Dad older but he is also frail..I saw him completely & utterly helpless in ICU and it was deeply distressing, even more so when he woke up & was crying..It broke my heart..I had never seen my Dad cry before..and he kept repeating ‘My beautiful love, what did I become, how did I get to this pathetic state?’ I was definetely a Daddy’s girl when I was much younger, until I became a teenager and that all changed..My Dad has always had a soft spot for me as he keeps telling me over the years..
The day before his suicide attempt he was telling me how he wished he could just take a pill & never wake up..How he ‘loved me more than anything in the world and didn’t want to create problems for me & in my marriage’, how I am so lucky that I have my husband & how much of a burden he feels he is to everyone… After this conversation I told him to get some help & that I would try and book a flight to see him. He told me that he didn’t want me to see him in the state he was, as he’d lost over 10 kilos & hadn’t been looking after himself…I booked the flight anyway when my husband got home & an hour before our flight 2 days later I got the call to say they found him face down on the floor, with blood on his head & a bruised eye..He was in a coma..He took a whole packet of anti-depressants around 11am in the morning and they found him at 10pm at night..He is lucky he survived..
My Dad had been depressed for over a year and even though he went to a psychiatrist twice to start medication, he didn’t make it past the 5th day & wouldn’t listen to the psychiatrist’s advice..He was suffering due to the financial situation in Greece & couldn’t cope with his wife’s excess money demands..She said she would leave him if he didn’t give her the house..My Dad was always in control of the money so wouldn’t do it..He also didn’t have the strength to leave her…It was a mess…I supported him for months trying to reason with him, but as you know…there is no reasoning with a narcissist…You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped..
Anyhow, my husband and I spent 2 weeks going to hospital every day to see him. 1 week in ICU and one week in a psychiatric clinic. I also had to go to the police and give a statement about my Dad’s attempt and his well being…(The police in Greece are really corrupt and it was very uncomfortable speaking to them)
He is now back at home with his wife, back at his office and is still self destructive..At least he is on medication for his depression, has a pacemaker fitted for his heart & also has other medication for his diabetes. The thing is though, I feel completely differently towards him now & I can’t quite put a finger on it..I guess I saw how ‘ill’ he is in many ways..Immature self destructive thinking, lying, obsessing about money, shouting at me ‘for putting him in a psychiatric clinic’ and saying that I am against him…His greed about money in general though was the most upsetting..He has always had money & a good life, so he couldn’t cope without any income..He is getting his pension money however, but with a megalomaniac for a wife it isn’t enough..I also found out that my Dad has savings in bank accounts that also have my name on..He never wanted to tell me what money was in there, which is wrong & abusive…When I signed my name on these accounts when I was younger, I asked him to tell me what I was signing..He wouldn’t tell me anything apart from that in case something happened, I could also access that money…I wanted to know more, but he wouldn’t tell me…I stupidly trusted him..
The only good thing that came out of his suicide attempt, is that I went to the banks and set up internet banking so I can access our shared accounts…I can now finally see what savings are in there and I have an equal ‘right’ to that money..I can therefore use it if he does something that may put me in a risky situation..Like having to pay off his debts, deal with his wife or set up his funeral…I don’t know if he realises that I know all this now, but I also don’t care as I have equal right to these accounts.
I believe that once your parent decides to end their own life & is no longer able to function or think in a healthy & protective way, that as a daughter I have every right to protect him from himself & I have to protect myself…The reason I’m saying that is because my Dad would rather choose to give ‘black money to a doctor at a hospital’, than use it in a more constructive way, especially since he has a 9 year old son to still support. I also later found out that in his state of suicidal ideation, he wanted to pay his best friend money to kill him than to give it to his kids..and this comes from a man who says he has ‘no money’..My dad has always been a compulsive liar, controller & manipulator…Not anymore, as I am taking control & no longer in the dark..
My PTSD is back with a vengeance and my anti-depressants aren’t helping all the symptoms unfortunately..I am exhausted most of the time, still have anxiety, nausea & back pain due to the tension in my muscles and I am having horrible flashbacks of my Dad lying in hospital..
There were moments where I wondered what it would be like if he did die..In a way it might have been a relief..to not have to worry anymore of the future, the possible debt & dealing with my evil stepmother..but at the same time he is still my Dad…no matter how dysfunctional..and there is love there…no matter how dysfunctional…He still did a lot of good in my life…despite all the bad..
It really hurts and I don’t wish this on anyone..