I am feeling so tired & on edge at the moment. Not sleeping well, having nightmares and at the moments when I’m not keeping busy with this blog, my website or my facebook page, I start feeling all the sadness & stress associated with my Dad’s suicide attempt! After all the abandonments, lies & neglect in my life, this was the ultimate abandonment!
I don’t want any more dramas! I will not allow any more traumas..
I don’t have parents anymore…That’s how I feel and will continue to feel it. It’s a lonely feeling, but at the same time it sets you free to realize that you don’t need their approval, their love or their opinions to love yourself! Not anymore..The way I see it, I have my husband, I have some good friends & that’s all I need for the future!
For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of relief to know that I can be happier away from them than near them. I guess I am getting healthier as I am making self care a priority. So many close family friends of my Dad told me after the suicide attempt, that I should go home & focus on my own life with my husband. To not get involved in his dramas anymore & to NOT continue all the support I’ve given my father as he will never change. I knew he would never change but I guess there was still a small element of hope there. The same with my mother. I still hoped that she would be nice again & be able to be the mother I always hoped. I have finally accepted it now, as my anxiety creeps up on me & I just don’t want to hear their ‘sad, pathetic ‘poor me’ stories anymore. I am currently fluctuating between being ANGRY and being ANXIOUS, and then feeling ‘SAD’.
The focus now is ‘ITS FINALLY MY TURN’ They weren’t able to understand MY feelings, MY emotions, MY personality, MY talents, MY wants & needs. I will do that for myself now..I will focus on MY LIFE now, as it’s the most important thing!
It’s funny how when I got married I knew it was the right time to do it 8 months ago. I had a gut feeling that If I didn’t do it then, something would happen. I wasn’t wrong..I wanted my parents there as a ‘last or even ‘only’ happy family photo, especially for my husband who doesn’t have much family left. His mum passed away 5 years ago and he never had his Dad in the picture. Only his half sister and her father were at the wedding. There was only 10 of us in total. Small & intimate! My Dad was already depressed & things with my mum were relatively ok for awhile, until she let me down again after the wedding.
I am grateful that at least my family ‘behaved’ for my wedding day. That was my biggest worry! In previous occasions such as my graduation for example, they ruined it by arguing & being childish. I wanted one day to be about me and to not be ruined!
Luckily it was ok, it was stressful nonetheless but I am very happy I did it. I never thought I would get married. I didn’t believe in marriage or could understand real intimacy & love. My parents never modeled that in a healthy way.
For the first time in my life now I do feel loved. My husband wants the best for me amd puts me and our life first! Its a lovely change 🙂
Anyway, I’ve been awake since 5am and feel like I need a break from the computer..After a week of being constantly on the internet trying to cope by writing, I am going to have a break to reflect, feel my feelings rather than avoid them and maybe create some art. Write a poem or do some drawings..
Art always soothes me, so I think it’s time to relax..
Watch this space.
Much Love x